Wednesday, April 30

CAR TALK or OBSERVATIONS FROM 12 YEARS OF DRIVING . . .

1. Why does one's ability to drive competently decrease as the value of the car being driven increases? No slam on my friends with nice cars, but if you drive a BMW or a Benz, chances are, you drive horribly. You either go too fast or too slow. You either signal obsessively or not at all. You play mind games with your fellow drivers. You talk on your hands-full cell phone, eat a bowl of chili and read a book at the same time. You think lane markers, stop signs, yield signs and exit ramps are suggestions. N.B.: Jaguars are the worst, and it doesn't matter if you're male or female, young or old, black, white, Asian, whatever. You and your Jaguar do not belong on the road.

2. Staying in your lane is not hard. If it is, you should just stay home.

3. Turn signals are standard -- nay, REQUIRED -- on all vehicles for a reason. Use them.

4. This morning, I watched as a car coming towards me turned on its left-turn signal. Then it made a right turn. What IS that?!

5. My dear fellow SUV owners: you are driving a 4000+-lb. weapon of mass destruction. Don't be an idiot about it. You CANNOT drive at normal speed in the rain and snow. You CANNOT take corners fast. You ARE NOT ENTITLED to swerve in and out of lanes. You MAY NOT tailgate another car, especially one with children or old people in it. You MAY NOT leave snow on the roof and hit the highway, blinding everyone behind you. You MAY NOT take up 1.5 lanes on the highway. Also note: if you drive an Escalade, see #1 above.

6. If you have children in the car, why are you speeding excessively, swerving in and out of traffic, doing your makeup, reading the newspaper, not buckling them into their child seats, cursing and screaming out the window at the driver in front of you, giving the finger to the driver behind you, chatting on the cell phone about nothing important, turning around to scream at your children in the back seat, and not staying in your lane? Come ON. Stop being an ass.

7. Why can't men deal with women who drive faster than they? READ MY LIPS: I am NOT going to drag race you. If you can't keep up (or you need to prove your manhood by attempting to) that's YOUR problem.

8. If your car is emitting nasty gases from the exhaust pipe, GET IT FIXED. I don't want to smell your nastiness all the way home. AND you're giving me cancer.

9. Don't pass me, then get in front of me, then slow down. That just tells me you're a jerk. And it makes me mad. And then I just have to bump you at the next stop light.

10. You know, some days, I just want to drive the exact speed limit with my sunroof open, hair floating wildly in the breeze, smelling the aroma of spring and trees and dirt and sunshine, grinning stupidly at my fellow competent drivers. So if you see me doing that, don't honk, don't curse at me, don't tail me and threaten to hit me, don't even put the pedal to the metal as you screech by me in a vain attempt to prove that you're cool. Just pass me gently and say hello.

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