Thursday, February 22


... one of my best friends in high school, J, had a drinking problem and R and I had to intervene and everything was alright, sort of, but then I started dating the guy that J had been in love with since middle school, and then nothing was alright, and then the guy and I broke up, and I thought that life just could NOT get any more complicated?

... the slimy counselor at camp in Korea harassed a campmate of mine, and the police were called and the counselor was fired, and my campmate went into shock and we had to speed her to the hospital and had to sing "Oh, Donna" to her while her eyes were rolling back into her head, just to keep her sort of awake, and then all of us older kids spent hours in Very Important Meetings with the senior counselors and instructors about damage control and proper behavior, and I thought that life just could NOT get any more dramatic?

... we were in Home Economics class in the 7th grade, and had to put ourselves into groups of 5 for the cooking & baking portion of the semester, and I told a sort of nerdy, smelly, awkward girl who was on the fringes of my group of friends, "We already have five people, you're not needed here," and her heart dropped into her shoes as tears filled her eyes, and I immediately felt so bad and remained haunted by my awfulness through the rest of middle school and high school to the point where when her brother died in a car accident during our senior year, I could not even approach her to offer my condolences because I felt too small-hearted to express my sadness to her, and I thought that I just could NOT hate myself anymore?

... Omma's father in Korea died, then 11 months later, Appa's mother in Korea died, and each time, I had to put them on airplanes across the oceans and imagine them flying through 16 hours of sadness, and then the next year, the new pharmacy they bought was destroyed by fire right before they were to move in and re-open for business, and so for three months they were out of work with nothing to do and were so stressed out and trying so hard but almost in vain to rely on God's faithfulness and love, and I thought that I just could NOT be any more heartbroken?

... I was sitting in the dark in my lonely, hateful Boston apartment in the middle of my first year in law school, hating my life, hating my classes, hating my classmates, hating my professors, wondering if I had the gumption to quit something, mulling whether I really wanted to apply to other sorts of graduate programs and whether it was too late to take the G.R.E., imagining the reaming I would get in all of my classes the next day because I understood not a single word of what I had just spent hours reading and studying, and I thought life could just NOT be more hopeless?


Life just goes to show me that there's always more MORE. Those days -- middle school, high school, college, even law school six years ago -- were the GOOD OLD DAYS, they really were. Man, did I have it easy. Boy, was life simple. Yikes, did I not appreciate it enough for what it really was.

Now. Now is when things get rough. Now is when I know what hopelessness, heartbreak, sadness, drama, complication, self-hatred really are. Now is when I actually have to face these things, wrestle with them and forbid them to take me over. Now is when I have to figure out who I really am, and what my place in this world, in this community, in these relationships, truly is.

This is the real stuff.

Tuesday, February 20


I asked God to speak to me and teach me something today, something of Himself, something of how He wanted me to be and what He wanted for my life. And this is what He said:

You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone. ... As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.
When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you. ... Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

-- James 2:22, 24; 3:3-10, 13-18; 4:7-8, 10

So basically, He taught me that I have to:
    * Have my deeds represent my faith
    * Tame my tongue and watch what I say
    * Be humble
    * Love peace
    * Be considerate
    * Be submissive
    * Be full of mercy and goodness
    * Be impartial
    * Be sincere
    * Make peace
    * Submit myself to God
    * Resist the devil
    * Draw near to God
    * Humble myself before Him

Ay caramba. I have a lot of work to do.

Sunday, February 18


I have given myself many unclaimed hours today. So here's something to fill a bit of time, thanks to Jade Park:

Look at the list of books below.
BOLD the ones you’ve read.
ITALICIZE the ones you want to read.
CROSS OUT the ones you won’t touch with a 10 foot pole.
PUT A CROSS (+) front of the ones on your book shelf.
ASTERISK (*) the ones you’ve never heard of.
Don't touch the books about which you feel indifferent.

1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown): this book made me crazy. It was enjoyable, but it made me crazy.
2. + Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen): I read this every year, at least once a year. The BBC movie, I watch at least twice a year. Is this a problem?
3. + To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee): I think it would be fair to say that this book changed my life.
4. + Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell): I'm a dork. I read the book once. Then I watched the movie once. Then I watched the movie with the book open in front of me to see how well the movie matched the book.
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (J.R.R. Tolkien): I have this thing about fantasy and sci-fi literature. I can't read it. I just can't. For all that my imagination runs wild with images and scenarios and colours and words, I can't drop into a fantasy literary world and enjoy it. I can, however, watch the movie. So that is what I did.
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (J.R.R. Tolkien): see #5.
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (J.R.R. Tolkien): see #5.
8. + Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery): for a short while, I thought I was Anne, and it confused me to look in the mirror and see no red hair or freckles.
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (J.K. Rowling): sorry, I don't do Harry Potter.
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown): this book did not make me as crazy.
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (J.K. Rowling): see #11.
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving): I went through a phase where I read every John Irving book I could get my hands on, in a row. That was a few years ago. I haven't been able to read Irving since.
15. + Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden): I thought the book itself was a smooth and fantastical read. But I always thought it a bit bizarre that a white guy wrote it. Know what I mean?
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (J.K. Rowling): see #11.
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald): I don't remember much about the actual book, but I remember not liking it very much, and feeling very disturbed that I had taken the time to read it.
18. The Stand (Stephen King): is this the one with the scary clown in it?
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (J.K. Rowling): see #11.
20. + Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte): I read this when I was too young to read it. I think it left scars that are still being picked over.
21. The Hobbit (J.R.R. Tolkien): see #5.
22. + The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger): I own it; I just haven't read it yet.
23. + Little Women (Louisa May Alcott): I read this when I was too old to read it and really fall into the story. But I still found it charming, and wished I had read it when I was younger.
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold): good enough.
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. + Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. + The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis): this man is a genius. There's nothing he wrote that I won't read.
29. + East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom): I have this thing ... I can't stand overwrought sap. And I can't bring myself to easily pick up a book that gazillions of Americans love to read. If it's too popular, I am repelled by it. That's why I still have yet to watch "Titanic."
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks): see #30.
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (George Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. * The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. * The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. + The Red Tent (Anita Diamant): borrowed long ago, it's on my to-read pile.
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. + The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel): seriously. There's just a lot of sex in Auel's books. It's like reading porn, because there really is no plot, other than to get to the next opportunity for sex. Bizarre. Is this story-telling?
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella): uh, just no.
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom): see #30.
45. + Bible: what is there not to like? It's the story of my life.
46. + Anna Karenina (Leo Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt): I have a friend who is seriously into all things Irish (although he is the furthest thing from). I myself am seriously into all things English. It makes for interesting faux-arguments.
49. + The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. + The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver): currently reading ...
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Charles Dickens)
53. + Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card): Juice gave this to me to read years ago. Oops.
54. Great Expectations (Charles Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald)
56. * The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (J.K. Rowling): see #11.
58. + The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough): remember Richard Chamberlain in the miniseries? Is it bad that Richard Chamberlain in the miniseries is all I can recall about the BOOK?
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. + Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky): oh yeah. I love me my dark Russian authors.
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice): I read it because I wanted to get through the book before I got through the movie. Never went to see the movie; regret spending the time to read the book.
65. * Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. + One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares): also, just no.
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. + Les Miserables (Victor Hugo): read the book once, saw the musical eight times.
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery): is it strange that I read this in French?
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Helen Fielding): the film was enjoyable enough, but I don't feel the need to redo my Bridget Jones experience on paper. Once was good for me.
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. + The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje): I never thought I'd say this about a book, but ... the movie was better.
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett): sigh, sigh and sigh again. Even as a little girl, I sighed my way through this book.
76. * The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. * The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White): I'm a leeeeetle annoyed that Julia Roberts plays Charlotte in the recently released movie. I simply love this book and love the story.
81. * Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier): why, exactly, did they make us read this in high school?
84. * Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. + Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down (Richard Adams): isn't this something about rabbits on a ship? Yeah, file this under "can't picture it, can't read it."
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. * Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. * Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. * In The Skin Of A Lion (Michael Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (William Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum): I forgot this was a book first. The movie was fantastic.
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford): oh yeah, I remember my trashy novel days. Good times.
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)

My stats:
* Read: 39
* Own: 23
* Want to read: 10
* Indifferent: 28
* Wouldn't touch: 10
* Never heard of: 10

Saturday, February 17


Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anyhthing. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.

When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all He created.

My dear brothers, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it -- he will be blessed in what he does.

If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in
their distress and to keep onself from being polluted by the world.

- James 1:2-27

Thursday, February 15


Like heat. My house didn't have heat for several hours today. It wouldn't be such a big deal except that it was 20-degrees outside today (in the sun), and I tend to feel like I'm freezing if the temperature falls anywhere below 72-degrees anyway. I had the fleeting thought that if the situation did not get fixed (by the guy we are all supposed to call in situations like these), I would, no matter how many layers I donned, freeze to death in my sleep tonight. No one would know for days, and then thank goodness for the cold because at least my body would be slow to decompose and would not stink. Alright, it was more than a fleeting thought, and I thought, in conjunction with that longer-than-fleeting thought, that I did not really want to die, and that I would probably come out of this with just a bad cold. But still. I'm glad I have heat now. I don't like not having heat. Heat is good. Everyone should have heat. And come to think of it, I'm sad that not everyone does.


Like airplanes. Over 100 folks were stuck on a JetBlue airplane, sitting out on the tarmac, for 8 hours yesterday afternoon during the Nor'easter that blew through the East Coast (spitting out ice in a stupid wanna-be imitation of what should have been wet, glorious, fluffy snow, like the snow of yore). Life stank for those passengers, sitting out there with overflowing toilets and a depleted inventory of snacks and beverages. I think if I had been there, I, too, would have been the utmost picture of misery. But I wasn't, and so I'm going to pontificate. When an aircraft pulls away from the gate and out onto the tarmac -- or sometimes, even when it's still AT the gate -- it is no longer free to pull back INTO a gate to let passengers out. Airplane traffic at major airports is so congested that when one plane pulls away from a gate, another one slides in almost immediately. On days like yesterday, with inclement weather grounding planes all over the East Coast, NO gates are free to release passengers. Ground crews are likewise overwhelmed. If they're not trying to de-ice planes as quickly as possible in the hopes of getting it off the ground, they are trying their darndest to clear the runways and gate approaches so that landing planes have a safe place to touch down. And if the weather just gets too bad, it's just not SAFE to have ground crews out on the blacktop, so they send everyone indoors or home. Everyone, from the pilots to the folks in the control tower (who you know were going insane yesterday) to the ground crew to all the ancillary third-party service providers, has rules to follow, and in this day and age, if those rules aren't followed to a T, bad things happen. You can't just bring a plane to a gate and let hundreds of people loose in an airport. You certainly can't pull a ladder up to the plane and let hundreds of people loose on the slippery tarmac. You can't even pull the service carts over to restock water and pretzels. There are rules, and the rules are there for everyone's safety. Yes, I can imagine it sucks big eggs to be stuck on an airplane for 8 hours (a plane that isn't flying to a destination, that is). But whining about it is useless. We are lucky to be in an age where we can travel anywhere we want, anytime we want, and sure it frustrates our immediate-gratification-wanting, entitled American selves when that doesn't happen. But the bottom line is, sometimes Mother Nature and the rules rule.


Like trust. It's a romantic notion to want to trust people, and to have them trust you. It's nice. It would work out great in a perfect world. I like it, no, I LOVE it, when my friends trust me and I can keep their trust. I love it, too, when I can trust them and can know exactly their care for me and how much they want the best for me. I DON'T like it, though, when my trust is sought and sought and sought, and then when I finally decide to give it, I feel sort of ... dirty afterward. Like the other person got what they wanted, and I just have "SUCKER" written across my forehead. Trust is sort of like your virginity - once you give it away, you can't ever get it back. You just sort of stew over the fact that you gave it away when you weren't ready to. So hold onto it. Trust is precious. And sadly, not everyone deserves yours or mine.


Like closeness. I had it, and I don't have it, and I haven't heard from it all week. I should've cherished it and been more careful with it while it was here with me. Let that be a lesson to you all.

Wednesday, February 14

REALLY . . .

Which Grey's Anatomy Character Are You?


You've got everything - work ethic, determination, skill and looks. But you'll never admit it! You have a lot going for you, and it's all the talent you have that makes you capable of being so good. But in light of all your ability you still lack self confidence. Don't worry so much about proving yourself, you have everything it takes and all you need to do is believe in yourself to accomplish your dreams.
Take The Quiz Now!Quizzes by
LUCKY . . .

Seven of my friends will be having babies this year. SEVEN. Is it possible to be so thrilled, and also so not thrilled? That is to say, thrilled for them, but not thrilled for me. I sure do wonder when it will be my turn.

Saturday, February 10


Too heavy. Everything is too heavy. I am too heavy for you, perhaps? Sorry about that. Here's some lightness, courtesy of Jade Park ...

A- Available? In a sense.
B- Best Friend? They know who they are.
C- Cake or Pie? Occasionally, with strong black coffee, please.
D- Drink of Choice? Room-temperature water.
E- Essential Item? Bob, my Bible, my journal and lip balm.
F- Favorite Color? Brown to wear; red to look at.
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? Neither, because gummi = gag.
H- Hometown? New York.
I- Indulgence? Salty potato chips and Apple products.
J- January or February? February.
K- Kids and names? Not yet, but I'm ready.
L- Life is incomplete without? Jesus.
M- Marriage Date? Soon, I hope.
N- Number of Siblings? One.
O- Oranges or apples? Oranges.
P- Phobias/Fears? Clowns, deep water and going through the car wash.
Q- Favorite Quote? "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." (Ps. 31:24)
R- Reason to Smile? Being loved.
S- Season? Autumn.
T- Tag three people! Eh, they'll tag themselves if they want.
U- Unknown Fact About Me? If you don't know it, there's a reason.
V- Vegetable you hate? Cauliflower.
W- Worst habit? Picking my lower lip, and rushing to judgment.
X- X-Rays you’ve had? Teeth.
Y- Your favorite food? Omma's kimchi-jigae.
Z- Zodiac? Scorpio.






C'mon, God. Throw me a bone.


I don't only ask these things of others, not all the time, anyway. I also ask them of myself. I am learning more and more of who I am. I am mean. I am merciless. I always want to be right. In wanting to always be right, I want others to always say that they're wrong. Even when they're not. I'm incapable of saying "I'm sorry." I'm immature and stubborn. I am manipulative. I don't deserve kindness or compassion, but ask for it all the time. I am hard-hearted and hard-shelled. I then wonder why people can't see the softness in me, if there even is any softness. I want it all. I rarely give anything. I'm controlling. I'm suspicious. I'm angry. I'm jealous. I think that everyone else sucks. But the reality is ...

I suck.

Never has the cross of Christ seemed further away.

Friday, February 9


A police officer followed me home today.


There are four inane corollaries to the fact that a police officer followed me home today:

1. Apparently, two of my three brake lights are out, and "THAT, ma'am, is an equipment violation."

2. Apparently, having a police car follow me home and sit in my driveway with all its lights on thrills me just a little bit and makes me feel just a wee bit like a bad-ass.

3. Apparently, I am pretty and I can bring my "pretty self" to the station tomorrow after I get the bulbs replaced so that they can void my ticket.

4. Apparently, being called "pretty," even by the po-po, is just what was needed to put a small smile on my face after a completely smile-less week. And make me blush. I'm a sucker for a man in uniform packing heat.



In every industry -- law, medicine, science, education, etc. -- pre-existing boundaries are expansing (or in some cases, disappearing completely). We are constantly pushing into new frontiers. I was reminded of this while reading about a judgment in a local wrongful birth suit.

Yes, I said "wrongful birth." As in "this birth was wrong." As in "this birth never should have happened and I'm mad that it did, and so I'm suing you because this baby never should have been born but for your mistake, and now I want money for my pain and suffering resulting from the birth that happened wrongfully."

Eh, I don't want to get into it all -- abortion, partial-abortion, genetic testing, things that happen in test-tubes, medical selection, ethics, religion, what's right for the parents, what's right for the child, what's right for society. I could go on and on about it all, taking all sides at once, and still coming out with no resolution.

But I have to say ... it's got to suck to be the kid growing up knowing that your parents didn't want you, wouldn't have had you but for a medical mistake, and that they sued for the pain, suffering and emotional distress that resulted from having you when they didn't want you in the first place.

All of a sudden, my life's pain is INVISIBLE.

Tuesday, February 6


That certain people might actually be better off without me in their lives.

That life goes on without me.

That heck, people probably don't even notice my absence.

That people do indeed lack compassion, sensitivity, insight.

That what's broken might not be fixed.

That some hopes are not worth holding onto, and some visions are just hopes.

That it all could have turned out differently and it's my fault that it didn't.

That there isn't really all that much to look ahead to.

Friday, February 2


I really enjoy "Grey's Anatomy." "Dude, she's Callie O'Malley" just got written down in my journal, because that's simply freakin' genius.

Global warming be darned, it's finally snowing here and it's beautiful.

All of a sudden, dairy has become my most hated enemy. One scoop of ice cream and I'm a pained, bloated, gaseous, burping, nauseated mass of quivering misery. Good thing I just discovered soy milk, and that I don't hate it.

I went to CVS today to pick up 581 photographs, contained in three bundles. The vapid and insolent teenage boy behind the counter gave me two bundles. I asked him if he was sure that was it. He said yes. I asked him to check again. He said he was pretty sure that was it. I asked him to please check again. He said no, that was it. I was running late so I left angry. I'm still fuming. I hate teenagers.

"Dreamgirls" is a dream, it really is. We loved it. It's perfect entertainment, pure and simple, and there are a few scenes that will take your breath away. I'm surprised I didn't pass out from holding my breath, actually. One scene made me sob like a baby. Jennifer Hudson and Eddie Murphy -- it's not just hype, folks.

Babies are being conceived and popping out everywhere. When do I get to have one?

I gave him a plant last year. He loves it and takes beautiful care of it, he says, because it reminds him of me. I saw it tonight, and it sure is luscious. He should come over here and take care of my plants.

I really miss Kremenchuk. What exactly is stopping me from moving abroad to live there?

I am looking at twenty-nine books on my to-read pile. I finally started three of them. Always multi-tasking.

Really busy weekend, or really empty weekend -- I still can't decide.

Thursday, February 1


There are things that happen in my sleep that I don't fully understand and never have. I am receiving pretty solid guidance and assurance about what exactly is happening and why, and why I should consider it a gift for which to be thankful ... but it is taking me a while to come to peaceful terms with this "gift." (It's like tonight's episode of "Grey's Anatomy": not everything that is apparently a gift feels like a gift.)

But lately, every time I close my eyes, whether to nap or sleep or doze or even to rest my eyes, I see the same person, the same people behind my eyelids. Nothing's happening with or to them, there's no action in what I see; I just see them. And I don't know what to do. Should I help them? Should I talk to them? Should I reach out to them somehow? What am I supposed to do about them, for them, to them, with them? And why them? I hardly even know them!

It's such a curious thing. It makes me wake myself up in the middle of the night, and lately, I just don't want to even go to sleep, for fear ... well, fear isn't the right word either. I just don't want to sleep because I just don't know.


This afternoon, I had a conversation with a Randy Random and it made me think so fondly of these folks:


It's remarkable that when you're nose to nose with someone, that person is the only thing that fills up your world; when you open your eyes, that person is the only thing you see, the only reality that exists. And it's just as remarkable that when that person leaves, your scope opens up to all the varieties of other realities, but still, the world seems too empty. Not entirely a bad sensation ... just strange.



"Choose humility and selflessness."

"I'm so glad to be here with you."

"Thank you."