I AM YOUR TV GUIDE . . .

Can we talk about FOX for a moment? Now, I love FOX. FOX brought me "The Simpsons," "Malcolm in the Middle," "American Idol" (I love you, Simon!), 10 glorious seasons of "Beverly Hills, 90120" (and I am NOT ashamed to admit that I will be taping Sunday's 90210 Reunion show, also on FOX), 9 mostly excellent seasons of "The X-Files," and heck, even the train-wrecks known as "Joe Millionaire" and "Married By America" (both of which I watched faithfully, natch). But everyone has her limits, and I just have to draw the line somewhere. FOX Broadcasting Company, you totally lost me on "The 1st Annual Miss Dog Beauty Pageant," airing tonight. Talent competition? Evening gown portion? No, I just can't do it.

Re: "American Idol": THANK YOU, AMERICA, FOR FINALLY GETTING RID OF JOSH.

Re: "The West Wing": Oh, ye of little faith. All you nay-sayers, fair-weather friends, right-wing crazies, jealous-of-Aaron-Sorkin wannabes, "The West Wing" is BACK. If you saw last night's episode, "Commencement," you know exactly what I'm talking about. Sure, "Buffy" has the witty teen-speak; "Friends" has the universal likability; "CSI" has the gory blood n' guts; "Mr. Personality" has Monica Lewinsky (ick). But do all these shows -- and any others, for that matter -- offer you the most exciting 10 minutes of your television-viewing life? Do they provide that pulsing techno-beat soundtrack, hitting persistently on a minor key, leaving you slightly annoyed, vaguely scared, increasingly tense? Do they show you normally unflappable men and women -- military officers, Secret Service agents, the White House Chief of Staff -- losing their composure in such tiny, agonizing increments that all you want to do is scream and cry out at the television screen, forgetting momentarily that they can't hear you? Do they give you black-lit flashes of what might have happened, what might be happening, what horror no one can prevent? Do they show you Leo, the Chief of Staff, the old man, the recovering alcoholic, the slow and steady and steadfast Leo, hearing bad news like a swift punch to the gut, panicking in his slow and steady and steadfast way, walking to deliver bad news to his friend and boss, walking fast, skipping, tripping over his own feet, jogging, eluding younger, healthier agents, running, out of breath, frantic to get to the President to deliver news that will break him?

I didn't think so.