MARTHA, MARTHA, MARTHA . . .

I'm torn. This whole ImClone fiasco has got me all aflutter.

First of all, there's the issue of my love-hate relationship with Martha. Her "E! True Hollywood Story" says it all -- she's a hardass, perma-bee-yatch CEO of a hugely successful company, with a weird voice, who had a strained relationship with her daughter because she was working all the time (and was generally a bee-yatch), and abandoned her ex-husband when he was suffering from brain cancer or whatever horrible illness it was. On the other hand, I have adopted several of her recipes as my own, gobble down her Martha Stewart Living Magazine every month like a crazy woman, and generally aspire to be her in all culinary and decorational ways. Without being a bee-yatch, naturally.

Caveat: not all of her recipes are reliable. One has to wonder if she tries them out before she releases them to the public, or if she really does steal them from other people (see: "E! True Hollywood Story") and passes them off as her own, without the requisite testing. Her baked goods are sufficient, but her regular foods are actually downright icky. Or maybe it's just because of my own requirement that I eat kimchi with everything . . .

In any event, despite her Good Things and Desserts of the Month and antique green glass collections, I am very, very angry at Martha. How could she not have known the SEC rules, or the possibility that SEC rules against what she did (and I am convinced she did it) existed? How could she have bargained everything she is and has and is known for (I'm talking professionally, not her bee-yatchiness), for a few extra bucks? Hell-OOOO -- you're a gazillionaire. If you still need a few more tens of thousands of dollars to make yourself feel better, you have ISSUES. How could she have lied to the government (and the latent prosecutor in me is convinced she did)? Doesn't she know they'll always find out and git her? How could she have screwed up so badly that her stock value drops like a ton of bricks, leaving her stockholders in the lurch? Bad, bad Martha.

And you know what else? I don't even really have that big of a problem with the government making an example of people like Martha -- famous, celebrity-like, inordinately wealthy people who assume and act like they're above the law. Please, by all means, make an example of Martha. I mean, who else are we going to make examples of?! No, show them ALL that it is naughty to steal, lie, obstruct justice, cheat, and be a bee-yatch, and that if you insist on doing these things, you will be punished accordingly. And please, if she's convicted, send her to jail for the appropriate length of time. Inject some equity into the system, and restore a little bit of faith in the administration of the criminal judicial process. No special treatment. No 300-count Egyptian cotton sheets. No color-coordinated electronic ankle bracelet. No probation just because you're a famous rich white lady, okay? Put on the jumpsuit and suck it up, because you did a bad, bad thing.

But then wouldn't you know it, they figure out that ImClone's cancer drug really does work. Go, figure . . .