VIVA, DOMINICA! . . .

Old habits die hard.

I speed home from my Tuesday Bible study (we're doing Revelations -- talk about brain overload . . .), to find a message waiting for me on my machine: "Do you know what's on NBC right now? Where ARE you? Why aren't you WATCHING? Turn on NBC right now and WATCH, you." Trusty SZH. Six years later, she's still committed.

I look at the clock. 10:40 p.m. I can still catch twenty quality minutes of the Miss Universe Pageant -- the most important minutes, in fact. I grab my phone, dial SZH, pick up the remote and settle in. Senseless conversation ensues:

SZH: Where did you watch from?
ME: The last interview questions.
SZH: What's up with Miss Serbia-Montenegro? SHE DIDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION.
ME: I KNOW!
SZH: I mean, we KNOW you're not fire or water. We KNOW you're a human being.
ME: Right? But you still have to choose one -- fire or water. That's the question. And another thing -- if you're going to have an interpreter interpret the question for you, DON'T ANSWER IN ENGLISH. USE THE INTERPRETER.
SZH: I KNOW!
[Silence.]
SZH: Miss Japan is weird.
ME: Yeah. Did you see her opening ball gown? Not so much a ball gown as much as a bikini with a skirt.
SZH: Yeah, totally gross.
ME: And she took off her shawl!
TOGETHER: EWWWWWW!
[Silence.]
SZH: Also, the Japanese interpreter -
ME: I KNOW! Not so good.
SZH: Yeah. She sucked.
[Silence.]
SZH: She screwed up the last interview round, too.
ME: That sucks.
[Silence.]
ME: What was up with the typical Japanese woman giggle?
SZH: Yeah, totally predictable. Weird.
[Silence.]
SZH: Miss South Africa is just as bad. She's got to go.
ME: Oh yeah?
SZH: Yeah.
[Silence.]
ME: One thing I've noticed that is different from six years ago when we first started doing this -- their hair has collectively gotten much -
SZH: SMALLER.
ME: Yup. Definitely smaller.
SZH: The hairspray industry must be suffering.
ME: Yeah. That sucks.
[Silence.]
SZH: So who's your pick?
ME: I'm gonna go with Miss Venezuela. They always win. Venezuela is like a Miss Universe production factory. They know what they're doing.
SZH: True. They ARE the only country to win, like, three years in a row or something.
ME: Three years? Jeez.
SZH: I know.
[Silence.]
SZH: I'd say either Venezuela or Dominican Republic.
ME: Oh yeah? Dominican Republic did well?
SZH: Oh yes. She did MUCH better overall. I was just telling SC [her husband] --
ME: SC IS WATCHING WITH YOU!?!?!?!!?
SZH: Wait, wait --
ME: SC IS WATCHING THE MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT!?!?!?! That is HILARIOUS.
SZH: Only for a little bit! Anyway, I was just telling SC that Miss Dominican Republic is only EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. And then SC says to me "well, you can never trust the ages in the Dominican Republic."
ME: Ah yes, Danny Almonte.
SZH: Yup, Danny Almonte.
[Silence.]
[The countdown begins.]
SZH: Please, PLEASE let Serbia be last. She didn't answer the question!
ME: AND she's wearing hay on her dress. If you can't walk in it and it looks like it came from a farm, you shouldn't be wearing it.
[Miss Japan goes down.]
SZH: Yeah, she was weird. But PLEASE let Serbia go next.
ME: Indeed.
[Miss Serbia goes down.]
TOGETHER: THANK GOD.
[Miss South Africa goes down; Misses Venezuela and Dominican Republic remain.]
SZH: We totally called it.
ME: You know, Dominican Republic does look kind of young, now that you mention it. She's a little gawky.
SZH: Maybe.
ME: I hope it's Venezuela. That dress is stunning.
SZH: Well, Venezuela looks pretty, but she talks ugly.
ME: Ew. Like man-voice?
SZH: No, just ugly voice.
ME: Ew.
[Miss Venezuela goes down; Miss Dominican Republic wins.]
[Silence.]
[Random man runs onto the stage and kisses the new Miss Universe.]
ME: Who was that little man?
SZH: Was she just ACCOSTED on the stage?
ME: I think that little man just accosted her!
SZH, to SC: Did you see that little man accosting Miss Universe? He just got escorted off the stage!
ME: I can't believe that little man just ran up on the stage and accosted her!
SZH: Freak.
[Silence, watching Miss Universe wave to the crowd.]
ME: Is her nose too small for her face?
SZH: WHAT?!?!
ME: See, young girls should not have facial surgery, because they're still growing and this girl's nose is going to end up being too small for her face.
SZH: What are you TALKING about?
ME: Look at her face! Look at her nose! It's weird! It's too small! Ick!
SZH: WHAT?!?!
ME: This is not as emotional as I thought it would be. Dominican Republic is not crying at all.
SZH: Hey, did you hear about Sammy Sosa's corked bat?
ME: WHAT?!
SZH: Yeah, go watch SportsCenter -- it's probably the lead story.
ME: Okay. I gotta watch SportsCenter. Bye.

The best twenty minutes I've spent all week.