SNIPE, SNIPE, SNIPE . . .

Out of left field, here are my wedding registry To-Do's and Not-To-Do's, realized after viewing a registry (nay, registRIES) yesterday evening (damn near took my mom and I all night to get through it!):

1. I will not register at FOUR different places, and place nearly identical items on all of them. This will confuse guests and make them wonder why we want 3 sets of a 10-piece $700 Calphalon pots n' pans collection. And it will make us look either scatterbrained, or greedy, or both.

2. I will register at four different places for the purpose of offering our guests a variety of choices and objects to purchase, if they wish to do so. However, once again, I will not place nearly identical items on all our registries.

3. I will not register for so many items that our guests will wonder if we are going to live in a mansion with five bedrooms, three kitchens and eight bathrooms, particularly if I marry while still in my 20s and have a lifetime ahead of me in which to accumulate all that silly stuff.

4. I will not register for things that, in traditional Korean culture, my parents, my husband's parents, or our extended family should purchase for us: really fine china (who needs Wedgewood in their 20s anyway?!), really fine silver (I would only oxygenate it and make it turn all yukky brown), really fine crystal (I would just drop it anyway).

5. I will not register for FURNITURE. I know people do. I know people feel they need to because they think they won't be able to afford it otherwise. But I just cannot burden friends with the responsibility of buying a SOFA. And I just cannot fathom sharing a marriage bed that someone else has bought. That's just weird. I will scrimp and scrounge and buy my own damn couch, thank you.

6. I will only register for things that we absolutely need to start a home (a small home, please). That means no wine tower. No four sets of bed sheets in four different colors. No three sets of bath towel in three different colors. No four different sets of dinnerware. No 10-setting placemats and napkins in three different styles. No three different sets of 13-piece Calphalon pots and pans. No two of the same iron from two different places. No eight different spatulas. No three different colanders. No two upright vacuums. No three different toaster ovens. No mini-3.6-cubic foot refrigerator. No Conair Ultra Massaging Foot Spa. No cute little trendy kitchen/house toys that we will have just to have and will look pretty but serve no other useful purpose: lobster pots, tortilla warmer, pizza spatulas, pizza cutters, butter warmers, "sushi-to-go" kits, hurricane lamps, stainless steel chargers, vermouth spritzers, and the like.**

7. I will not register for stupid things that we can purchase for ourselves: wastebaskets, Swiss Army knives, flashlights, shavers, decorative pillows, bathroom accessories, chip clips, doormats.**

8. I will not get carried away with that little registry gun. It is not a toy. Guns are dangerous.

I'm sure there are more things I could snipe about, but perhaps I'm just being ungenerous. After all, I never know when I'm going to be frying eight different things at the same time, and thus will need eight different spatulas.

**No joke. All this stuff is really on the registry/ies. I'd like to point out my absolute favorites: (a) the tortilla warmer. What is UP with the tortilla warmer?! These people are Korean, for crying out loud. How often could they POSSIBLY be eating tortillas?! (b) the Conair Foot Spa. Please. (c) the chip clips. Who registers for CHIP CLIPS?! (d) the mini-fridge. I don't understand THAT at all.