FOUR FUN GAMES TO PLAY WITH ELDERLY KOREAN FAMILY MEMBERS OVER THE AGE OF 70 . . .

1. "Here, Have Another": Give your hyper-traditional, hard-drinking, hard-talking, reformed-only-because-he-doesn't-get-around-so-fast-anymore grand-uncle his third beer (after 2 glasses of wine). Sit back and listen to the slurred hilarity that ensues.

2. "I Don't Have Time To Get Married": When the above-mentioned -- and did I already say hyper-traditional? -- grand-uncle asks you where your boyfriend is, tell him you don't have one. Watch carefully as that statement registers and observe the grand-uncle's face clench up in indignance. When the grand-uncle then asks you why you don't have one, inform him that you don't have time for boyfriends right now because they are too much of a hassle and they need to be coddled all the time. Watch carefully as that statement registers and observe the grand-uncle's face turn red with simmering annoyance. When the grand-uncle then asks you "Shouldn't you be getting married soon, though?" reply that you don't have time to get married because you have so many other, more important things to do. Watch carefully as the grand-uncle stutters off into silence with a look of sheer confusion on his face. Allow yourself half a second of gleeful smirking. Any longer would just be graceless.

3. "Validate Me, Baby!": This game has several components, including:
a. Wash all the dinner dishes (seven place settings!), all the time. Sit back and listen to the elderly folks fawn over how hard-working you are.
b. Whip up a batch of cookies and let mom describe the pastry ice-cream-filled swans floating in a pool of chocolate sauce that you made for dessert a few Christmases ago. Sit back and listen to the elderly folks fawn over what a culinary talent you are.
c. Let mom and dad describe how you taught yourself to knit and how you take cooking classes for fun and how you buy books like "Photography For Dummies." Sit back and listen to the elderly folks fawn over what a brainchild you are.
d. Dress in a suit for work and bow prettily to the elderly folks as you leave in the morning. As you stroll to your car, listen to the eldery folks fawn over how professional and lawyerly you look.
e. Peel boatloads of assorted fruit in the family room after dinner, arrange them prettily on nice china and stick toothpicks in the fruit pieces. Sit back and listen to the eldery folks fawn over how marriageable and daughter-in-law-ish you are. For advanced players, sit back and listen to the grand-uncle declare once more that you had better get married and soon, then listen to the grand-aunts declare that you don't need to get married just yet. For truly expert players, sit back and listen to the grand-uncle and grand-aunts start debating each other until you are well and truly forgotten as the subject of their original fawning.

4. "The Camera Adds Ten Pounds": Send the elderly folks, back in the Motherland, a family portrait taken during the last semester of law school when you were barely going to class, barely waking up in the morning, drinking a lot of beer and eating a lot of junk food. Wait two years -- during which you exercise, get a stable job, eat a balanced diet and stop drinking so much beer -- then host them in your house for two weeks. Sit back and listen to descriptions of how you have the largest eyes they've ever seen on a Korean girl, how skinny you are and you really should eat more, how you have cheekbones they can see, how you're slightly taller than they'd thought you'd be, and how you DO have normal skin tone after all. It's so liberating, really.