MONDAY MUSINGS . . .

Summer is so weird when you're working full-time. I believe one can never get out of the "I deserve a summer break" mindset, and so we will always live our lives as if June, July and August were freebies. I don't know about your industries, but certainly in the Courthouse, things slow down. Normally, there are less trials scheduled, fewer judges actually in the Courthouse, more vacation-day opportunities.

Certainly, I've been treating my summer evenings as if I didn't have to get up the next morning and put in a full day's worth of work. Going for ice cream, hanging out at Camp J2 or Camp C, evenings in the city with M or the LOLs or other randoms, weekends away, Sunday nights watching "Angel," lolling about and doing nothing of any particular significance. It's been awesomely fun and I think many of my friendships have really been strengthened as a result.

But I'm exhausted. I barely see my family, and that probably has raised tensions of its own, although Saturday with mom was amazingly wonderful. I need to sleep more. I need to work out more. I need more massages. I need to spend quiet time with God. I need to burrow by myself and re-energize my innately introverted nature so that I don't burn out and react against my friends instead of embracing them.

That's why I can't wait for autumn. For the chill turn in the air that hurts my nostrils when I inhale. For the changing colors of the leaves that make my eyes water from their brilliance. For the cuddly sweaters and socks in which I can wrap myself and feel like a bunny. For the early onset of evening that drives me into my home instead of away from it. For the cups of coffee and hot chocolate that I'll share with friends, when we meet up for the first time after a busy week and truly have something to catch up on. For the oncoming holidays that remind me of all I have to be thankful for.

***

The different components and accessories of my new computer should start arriving today! NEW TOYS!!! I feel like a boy.

***

I think I am going through a really unhappy time in my life right now. Oy -- that's so heavy and personal, I hate even saying it. But the first definitive sign came last night: I did what I haven't done since my early homesick days in Boston when I started law school. I popped in Fiona Apple's first CD, "Tidal," to lull me away, and I cried myself to sleep. That CD is just too damn depressing, but it always touches a nerve with me . . . and makes me fall asleep. I fell asleep to it when my maternal grandfather died and mom had to speed off to Korea that very night. I fell asleep to it when I was going through a rough patch at work, dealing with office politics and balancing LSATs and law school applications. I fell asleep to it when I felt abandoned in Boston, with no friends and no familiarity around me at all, save for my pillow. I fell asleep to it when my last boyfriend and I broke up. And I fell asleep to it last night. Hmmm. This is going to need some self-analysis. Stay tuned.

You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, but you don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie

You'll never touch these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you

You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You'll never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie

***

I am participating in the Komen Race for the Cure in September. THIS should be a hoot, not because I'm part of a team raising money for breast cancer research, but because I'll be RUNNING . . . in PUBLIC . . . with PEOPLE. This cracks me up. I don't know why, but it just does. I mean, I'm no Phoebe Buffet -- I don't flail my arms with my hair in pigtails, screaming at people as I run by them. I'm quite normal, in fact. But I'm SLOOOOOW. As I have informed skeptical friends, I run slower than I do math. That is SLOW, SLOW, SLOW. Also, I trip a lot when I run outdoors. THAT is funny, even to me. Luckily, it is a run/walk, so I anticipate that I'll be doing a fair share of walking with my strolling pals. I don't mind eating C's 8-minute-mile dust. I can handle the shame . . .

***

I had a dream last night that one of my good friends didn't want to be my friend anymore and said that he hated my guts. Sigh. I hate dreams like that, that play on all my insecurities and make me wake up wondering if it's true or not. It's making my Monday all . . . weird-like.

***

And the ultimate question: what to have for lunch?!