AM I A MAN? . . .

I have been having a very interesting series of conversations with a good friend of mine over the past couple of days. As a result, I have come to question myself in a very strange way: am I a man?

I half-jokingly ask myself this for two reasons:
-- First, and most facetiously, I have been collecting electronic toys and accessories lately like you wouldn't believe. Granted, I've also been NAMING them, which is decidedly NOT manly, but my glee at playing with these toys is slightly . . . boyish.
-- Second, and more seriously, I don't want to commit to someone and be married. Not right now anyway. Perhaps not ever.

That would devastate my parents. As cool and progressive and 'modern' as they are (particularly compared to other Korean parents), getting their precious only daughter married off is still the number-one priority right now, especially since I'm done with the grad school thing, and well on my way with the career-development thing. It would never occur to them that I would not be married, or -- God forbid -- not WANT to be married. What normal heterosexual woman doesn't want to be married, right?

Uh, me. Or at least, me right now.

I don't know why I feel this way lately. Over the past two years, since ending my last relationship, I have wavered between varying degrees of wanting to be in love, wanting a boyfriend, wanting that ring on my finger, wanting a future shared with a husband. Some days, I've wanted it more than others. But I have never NOT wanted it, until recently. WEIRD, right?

I think I might just be reacting. (I do that well -- I should look for a job where I can just react to things.) Reacting to parents slyly asking me on occasion if I've met anyone nice, or how this guy or that guy is coming along, as if they are cornish game hens, slow-roasting in the oven. Reacting to my parents' friends who ask me if I have any "good news," as if getting a raise at work, or finding out my boob is cancer-free isn't good news enough. Reacting to all the people around me getting married, causing me to think, "is this REALLY a life that I could lead?" And, naughtily, acting and reacting to the married people around me who seem to be made uncomfortable by people like me: single folks who are truly satisfied with life, doing fun things, not tied down by anything or anyone but our own internal censors, who perhaps cause them to think either (1) "how can she possibly be fine and single?!"; or (2) "wait, being married isn't the end-all and be-all of life?!" Yup, the evil me looooooves to do that tweaking . . .

Or maybe I'm just preoccupied with pining for a cool job, so pining for a love isn't on the front burner anymore. I have other priorities right now, as well as other things that satisfy and fulfill me.

Or maybe I've just calmed down. What's the big stinkin' rush to get married, after all? I would hate to be married just because "it's time." God forbid I wake up one morning next to my husband and think "What a huuuuuuge mistake this was." No, no, a good marriage is worth waiting for, even if it drives people around me crazy.

Or maybe I'm a commitment-phobe. I don't really think I am -- I've always been a faithful and loving girlfriend, with no roving eye or straying sentiments and no fear about opening my heart to past boyfriends -- but it's not outside the realm of possibility, I suppose.

Or maybe it's seasonal. In the spring, the fever hits and everyone's . . . well, randy, for lack of a better word. In the fall, I just want to snuggle in a sweater and lay around and smell the crisp air alone. I'll have to tune back into myself in April to see if there's an identifiable cycle here.

Or maybe I'm disillusioned. If it hasn't happened for me by now, it's never going to happen for me, or something equally cynical and silly.

Or maybe I'm a man at heart. All I can think lately is "I'm not ready!!!!" and "There's NO WAY I can do this married-life thing" and "Spend the REST of my LIFE with ONE PERSON?!" and "I have to raise LIVE CHILDREN?! I can't just babysit, then give them back to their rightful owners?!" And I get these weird anxiety-esque heart palpitations at the imagined vision of me walking down the aisle and vowing my life over to someone.

Ew.

That's too bad. I kind of liked being a woman. The tampons, the mood swings, the boob problems, the maintenance, the self-image issues, the glass ceiling, the expensive haircuts, etc. They all suck, but still, it's way cooler being a woman. I hope I get to be one again soon . . .