OOH, THEY'RE GONNA BE MAAAAD . . .

My friends are going to be peeved when they read this, but I forge ahead regardless, as is my custom . . . tee-hee!

My birthday is nigh, and family and friends are in an apparent small tizzy to try to make it special. But my question is this: WHY? Herewith, in typical DYC fashion, are why I ask:

1. Everyday is my birthday, baby! No, I'm kidding. But in all seriousness, every day for me is special, and I don't mean this in a touchy-feely trite fashion. Every day, I am surrounded by loving and affectionate family, supportive and devoted friends, an excellent job, hilarious co-workers that keep me slogging away at even the most God-awful cases, a warm and safe home, and all the luxuries and privileges of life that anyone could ever ask for, including the Banana Republic Credit Card and my precious AMEX. Har, har. I don't need to celebrate one particular day to feel . . . special.

2. I hate surprises, and for some bizarre reason, it seems to be inculcated in human nature (well, some humans' natures) to want to surprise people on their birthdays. But let it be known: I hate suprises more than I hate pudding, Mitsubishi automobiles, sweet pastry products, irregular clothing purchased at outlet stores, excessively staticky hair, passive-aggressive personalities, slimy shellfish and bad drivers terrorizing the road in their luxury SUVs. In fact, surprises PISS ME OFF. Let it also be known: I ALWAYS FIND OUT. And then I'm faced with the unpleasant dilemma: what do I wear? If I dress "nicely," then people know I'm not surprised and they are disappointed that their surprise didn't work (sorry). If I don't dress "nicely," then I feel like the slob when we go out on the town or whatever. Besides, if there are going to be photos, I want to look halfway decent. Bottom line: just tell me ... and tell me EVERYTHING. C'mon ... I'm not Type-A for nothing.

3. Everything I eat at home is delicious, so I don't understand it when Omma and Gran ask me "what do you want to eat on your birthday?" That is a weird question to ask. I always want to eat everything. Please ... it's ME.

4. No one is ever satisfied. For example ... if I am surprised (this is a very rare occurrence ... in fact, it has never happened), then I'm PISSED because I dislike surprises so much. (Yes, yes, a therapist would have a field day with me, dissecting my control issues.) If I am not surprised, then the party-givers (my beloved friends, I DO love you all so very much!) are pissed. If I say I really don't want to do anything out-of-the-ordinary, nobody believes me! (They should know by now, I mean what I say, and if I don't say anything, THEN they can interpret what I might mean by my silence.) If I say I really don't want any particular special food, then Omma and Gran are disappointed that I'm willing to slurp down the same ol' kimchi jigae. If I say I really don't want any gifts or I don't want people spending money on me, people think I'm just being humble ... but it's true -- I have everything I need (AND want, unfortunately for my AMEX account). And besides, y'all should be saving your money for more important things, like our next spa outing.

5. No one ever believes me. Truly, TRULY, if we have to celebrate my birthday at all, ideally it would be spent with lots of friends, lots of food, lots of beer or Grey Goose, lots of laughter, a cig experience shared with my non-smoking smoking friends, and lots of general lollling about being silly as we always are. No frills, no frouf, no incredibly sweet desserts, no excessive amounts of money spent on little ol' me. Just us, just me. THAT would be perfect, and best of all, NO TIZZY REQUIRED!!!!

Alright, I have to go gird myself now, because I'm really gonna hear it from some people ... yikes!