AREN'T THERE PEOPLE WHO CAN DO THIS FOR ME?! . . .

I need to start investing my money wisely. I mean really investing. Yes, yes, I have the standard IRA that everyone else has, and it has been performing about as well as Renee Fleming singing the National Anthem on broadcast television during the World Series. But that's not the S&P 500's fault, per se, so I can't be bitter. (Renee is a whole different story, though ...)

I have many friends in the finance industry. I have many friends who know things about finance and the finance industry. I have a few friends who actively maintain their own personal finance and appear to do it with a semblance of stability and knowledge. But -- no offense -- not one of them can explain personal finance, and what I need to do to have it, to me in any fashion that I can understand. (They use scary big words like "expense ratio," "diversify," and "risk allocation." The horror!)

That is largely my fault. Hearing about and seeing numbers, much less hearing about how I must manipulate them, promptly puts me to sleep, much like stories about golf outings. I took Federal Tax in law school, like every other schmuck. I read the Wall Street Journal just to keep abreast of what might or might not be going on in the economic world (but truthfully, I just read the little news snapshots on the front cover, then flip through the paper to find the articles that have more words than numbers in them). I purse my lips and sigh appropriately when I get my monthly IRA statements. I log onto The Motley Fool and browse the message boards and the day's tips. But none of this means I have any idea what I'm doing or what my eyes are seeing, and it certainly is no gauge of my alertness when performing these activities.

How terribly sad for me.

So I spent a large part of the day with my trusty friends at Vanguard, believing that enough Web browsing, enough squinting at the screen, enough reading the same paragraph over and over, enough playing with the Investment Calculator, enough reading the Greek that describes the various funds, enough exposure to this financial mumbo-jumbo might break through my thick words-only skull and make some sort of useful impact. And lo and behold! It did ... I think. (The hardest part, frankly, was answering the Investor Questionnaire questions honestly! It was like being on Emode!!!)

Apparently, I can afford to -- and would like to -- throw some money into long-term, medium-to-high risk bond funds (oh my God, is that the right terminology?!). There are two that have been narrowed down for me by the good folks at Vanguard ... such a clever little Questionnaire, really.

So now, as I brace myself for the good-natured advice my financially savvy friends are going to sling at me, the ultimate question really is: WHO HAS $6000 THEY WANT TO GIVE ME SO I CAN INVEST IN THESE TWO FUNDS?

Thanks.