MY PEOPLE . . .

I marvel at myself for admitting this, but ... there's just nothing in the world that compares to the Korean soap opera/miniseries. All the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy viewings, all the reality shows, all the talk shows and game shows and TLC quality programming simply cannot compete with the non-quality quality of the programming put out by Korean television studios.

Currently, I -- along with the residents of Camp Capio (yes, including the 8-week old Noodles), J2 and the Laboys -- am utterly and irrevocably sucked into "All In," a 24-episode miniseries about a good-hearted ggang-pae (gangster) whose expertise is in martial arts and gambling/cheating, his best friend/sidekick -- another ggang-pae, the love of his life -- a beautiful, innocent and compassionate young woman, and the overly-dramatic lives that they live, enduring every single hard knock that could possibly come anyone's way. I can't explain why I'm so sucked in. In fact, for about a month, I thoroughly teased C about his addiction to "All In," even though he's not even Korean and has to make do with the sub-par subtitles ... of course, as he likes to say, what goes around comes around, and now it's ME on the couch next to him, weeping at the injustice of unrequited love and laughing at the not-quite-Oscar-worthy performances.

One of the best things about these Korean miniseries is their consistency. For a while, the big thing in Korea was the traditional love triangle: girl likes boy who likes another girl. Then there was the historical Korean phase, where dynastic dramas about the royal Korean court abounded and all the actors wore lush traditional Korean outfits. More recently came the ggang-pae and girl-power fascination, with gambling, strong & sassy women who beat up on men, and street gangs were popular miniseries subjects -- "All In" was created during this phase. Right now, the big thing in Korea is a drama, again set in dynastic Korea, focused on the competition to produce the most elaborate culinary creations for the royal court -- kind of a glorified and Asian "Like Water For Chocolate."

No matter what the subject or era covered, they are all the same. There is always unrequited love. The main female protagonist is always beleaguered, always abused, always humble and never speaking out totally against the wrongs done against her, but still always kind and quiet and gentle, often seen staring into space daydreaming about her love or better days, with welling eyes and a tear perched JUST so on the swell of her cheek. The main male protagonist is always a bad guy with a good heart, whom you just can't HELP but adore. Sometimes, he too is beleaguered and encounters every imaginable bad luck; other times, he fights his way out of a bad situation to become uber-successful and triumph above his enemies who tried to lie and maneuver to bring him down. There is always a male sidekick, mainly present for humor value, even in the midst of the darkest drama. There is always a jealous woman who loves the Main Man and schemes against the Main Woman to get him; she never does, but she is treated kindly at the end by the Main Woman anyway. There is often a set of benevolent parents, as well as a corresponding set of vacuous, shallow and/or downright evil parents. In some, there is a doting and wise grandparent (usually a grandmother). And of course, the usual assortment of friends, business partners and random police officers ...

Trademark in these shows -- it would be SACRILEGE to not have such events -- is the "I can't BELIEVE it, this is making me SCREAM" coincidence. For example, Main Woman and Main Man break up their relationship for some stupid reason, then pass each other on the street in some random foreign country seven years later, but don't look in each other's directions. Talk about deep, heavy sigh! We also see the oft-used "Misunderstanding For Five Episodes" plot line ... five episodes of stagnant misunderstanding is about as much as I can take. After that, there just has to be resolution or I'll stop watching. Then there is the totally gut-wrenching "I Don't Want to See You Ever Again" episode, which is later nullified by the "I Always Loved You and Want to Spend the Rest of My Life With You" episode ... but it's truly agony until you get there. And of course, the chaste Korean kiss: no tongue as far as anyone can see. Just two sets of lips pressing up against each other in such a way as to imply impending sexual relations, but not too much so that the general, still-slightly-Confucian viewing public will be offended by tongue. In addition, if you are fortunate enough to be viewing a series with this option, you will experience the subtitles. Sometimes, the subtitles are more entertaining than the show itself. I don't know WHO they get to translate these subtitles ... they should hire ME. At least I wouldn't spell "bastard" as "bastarad," or "Baccarat" as "Bakara," or "bury" as (my favorite so far) "BURRY." Eh, you're better off just learning Korean and listening to the actors speak -- Korean is much more expressive than English in almost every instance anyway. And finally, there is the freeze-frame. This comes at the end of every episode, at some crazy pivotal moment, at the height of emotion and action, at the moment where you think you can't live without knowing what happens next. The theme music builds and BAM! The scene freezes and you are left whining "Noooooo!" and wringing your hands as you wonder "do I have time to watch another episode, or can I actually sleep and wake up and live another day and wait until I come home from work?" Sad, but true.

Anyway. I just pontificated for several paragraphs about Korean miniseries. I do apologize for that. But I just have to plug "All In." You all need to rent it and become addicted to it as we all have. Then go rent some more. You will wonder where the days have gone, and why you are still wearing your pajamas at 4 in the afternoon. And you will fall asleep thinking, "I wonder what happens next ..."