THE REAL ME . . .

All of you who think you know me ... you don't know me. You don't know me when I leave work, or church, or any other public domain. You don't know what I do with my time, with whom I spend my time, and what the heck I'm wearing. You don't know what I think or what I feel or what the look on my face is. You just don't know.

So let me tell you.

I'm sitting on our downstairs couch, under a heavy Korean dam-nyo -- a faux mink blanket that weighs about as much as a small but well-fed elephant. I am wearing a really sexy -- in a ratty kind of way -- dark blue sweatshirt dating from my college intramural indoor soccer days and a pair of grey sweatpants with "COLUMBIA" printed down the left leg. I have yet to clean off the makeup from the work day or take out my contact lenses, but my hair is up in a ponytail, and my feet are safely ensconced in a pair of fluffy white slippers. I have an uneaten clementine on the coffee table in front of me, a bottle of water next to me, and Bob (my computer) on my lap.

And here's the true confession: I'm watching "Trista and Ryan's Wedding". And I'm not totally horrified.

I did not watch the original "Bachelorette" so I don't know anything about Trista and/or Ryan, except what I have read about them in the bible of entertainment and the source of all accurate news: People Magazine. They seem like nice people. She's a bit bubbly, isn't she? But as I don't have to associate with her 24/7, I don't find that too annoying. He seems like a nice guy, with an easy smile and a laid-back attitude. They seem to truly like -- and perhaps even LOVE -- each other, which I hope is the case, because they both seem pretty sweet.

But this wedding thing ... it's SO bizarre and gripping! I just can't look away, although every intelligent bone in my body is telling me -- nay, PLEADING with me -- to do so. First of all, pink is Trista's favorite color, apparently, so everything is pink. As one who has only recently started acquiring pink articles of clothing (and then, only in a dusky, heather-y sort of pink), I am appalled and partially blinded. I mean, everyone looks nice, and aside from the overflow of frilly flowers attacking me from the television set, it looks quite lovely wherever they are/were. But the pink ... it's driving me crazy.

In addition, there are three "hosts" -- one main host who constantly interjects with a softly whispered "and after this message, Trista walks down the aisle ... and the wedding of the decade begins." Oh, puh-leeze. This is, of course, alternated with his shooting the camera to his two co-hosts, a female loitering around Trista and her bridesmaids, and a male wandering amidst Ryan and his groomsmen. "How does Trista feel, knowing that she's leaving her bachelorette days behind in just a few moments?" "Great -- she looks radiant!" GAG.

Moreover, there are helicopters wagging about above the wedding site ... and they're LOUD. You can see the guests occasionally looking up into the night sky with annoyed and pursed looks on their faces. Ryan's parents, walking down the aisle with him, looked up and said "Oh my God, check out the helicopters!" And Trista, upon her exit onto the garden ceremony, exclaimed to her father "Are those HELICOPTERS?!" And now, I am watching as they exchange their vows -- personal letters they wrote to each other -- and all you can hear are the helicopters. Grrrrr. I'd be annoyed. Well, first of all, I guess I wouldn't have the ABC Network pay for and dictate my wedding ... but if I did, the helicopters would really annoy me.

And finally, the whole shindig is simply overdone. I mean, this event cost ABC over $3million. Come ON. Who really needs $83,000 worth of printed products? Heck, everyone should be spending agonizing hours accurately folding the invitations and horribly mangling the calligraphy while addressing the envelopes (hi, JKA), or staying up until 2:00 a.m. the night before the wedding hand-making the programs and obtaining multiple papercuts in the process (thanks, Soy). For free! (The helicopters are so RUDE!) Okay, okay, I'd swoon for a Badgley-Mischka couture wedding gown when my turn rolls around, but ... And again, everything is PINK. Not only is it driving me crazy ... I think it's making me itch now.

Well, enough griping. To tell the truth, I'm thoroughly entertained. The presider -- I'm assuming he's a minister -- is pretty hilarious, with his "hold his hand and look deep into his eyes" instructions and slicked-back hair. And Trista just LEAPT into Ryan's arms after their "I do's." Wow ... scary. The microphones reverberated really loudly. (I hope the reception is as much of a spectacle, because it's only 10:49 p.m. ...) And the best part: People Magazine is profiling the wedding in this week's issue, with an "inside look behind the scenes." AWESOME.

I don't know these people, but I hope they had fun at their $3million+ wedding. I hope Ryan wasn't too mad about all that pink stuff. And of course, I hope they have a happy and long life together. I hope they get to live lives away from the cameras and be real with each other.

And when my turn comes up, do remind me: no pink, no greasy ministers, and please, no helicopters.