FAITH, LOVE, GRACE . . .

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love Communion Sundays. No matter if, in the days and weeks leading up to it, I've felt and been close to God, or felt and been far from Him, Communion Sundays always refocus me and remind me why I'm here and by Whose grace I continue to be here.

Today's message hit me particularly hard, particularly forcefully, and with particular meaning. PEK reminded me that God is God. He is not human, and He does not act like humans. Just because people around me may view me in a certain way, just because I am plagued by insecurities based upon how I think people view me, does not mean that God views me in that way. If I displace human feelings and human behavior onto God and how He treats and considers me, then I am nullifying the very act of Him sending His Son to be crucified on a cross, taking my sin away. Past sin, present sin, future sin -- all of it. And how could I nullify the act of One who sees me in all my disgusting humanness, being mean to people, lying and being two-faced, acting lazy, not trying hard enough, not loving my neighbors enough or at all, not always respecting my parents, not always being a woman of faith, etc. but still loves me and still extends permanent grace to me and still says "I'm here for you even if you don't know it"? How could I? I can't.

I was also reminded that there are people in my life who love me unconditionally. Of course family comes to mind immediately: we let it all hang out in our family, so when you've been a total jerk, someone will tell you immediately. It's no holds barred in our home, and Omma, Appa and Cheech have seen it all ... but they stick by me anyway. And I realized today that one can have friends who love one unconditionally as well. Sure, we're all human, so of course we might talk about each other or get annoyed at each other or feel the need for some distance now and then. But I have friends who have stuck by me anyway and continue to do so. I have friends who know how awful I can be, but pray for me and with me anyway. I have friends who know I snore in my sleep but will go on vacation with me anyway. I can be a complete annoying type-A bee-yatch one day, but be embraced and welcomed into a friend's home the next day.

And if human beings can love me this unconditionally, then how much more lasting is the love of God shown to me? I must dwell upon that always: as great as my friends and family are to me, as much as they love me, as gracious as they are to me, God is unfathomably greater, more loving and more gracious than that.

I don't know why it is so easy to remember the negatives and forget the positives, to be wounded by hurt than healed by forgiveness, to stagnate in one place emotionally or physically than to run forward with freedom. But for believers like myself, running forward with freedom is something we must do, given that we have received the love of God and the salvation afforded by His sacrifice.

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GROWING PAINS . . .

JKA put it exactly right: NHF is experiencing growing pains. The coming month will see some concrete changes in the way NHF operates, how our services are run, how meetings are held, and in particular, how our praise team will grow. That growth process has already begun, and as in any situation, it hasn't been pretty. In fact, practice on Saturday afternoon was pretty damn stressful and I hate thinking about it, even now, a whole two days later.

I still can't figure out why. All ten or eleven of us are friends, or at least very friendly with each other. But maybe that's the problem. As much time as I spend with them, we still exist at a very superficial level of friendship, so I think there is still some insecurity about being real with each other. Like, if I say to someone "you're out of tune," will that person be offended and not like me anymore? Or does someone else feel like their only value is in their musical talent and cannot bear to hear words that say otherwise, even if those words come from a 'friend'? Or perhaps we just don't know how to work intensely together. Or maybe we don't feel comfortable enough yet to be honest with each other, and we don't know what words to use to speak to each other truthfully but with love. Or maybe we just all feel the pressure that I feel: now that we have a pastor who has an expansive vision for NHF, we as a praise team need to live up to that vision as well and move forward with it ... we just don't know how.

Whatever it is, it's painful. It's never nice to feel like you can't be honest with people you considered to be among your closest friends in the world. It's never nice to feel like someone is mad at you, or to feel mad at someone else but unable to articulate it constructively. It's never nice to work at something for hours but feel like it's never going to turn out the way it's supposed to. It's never nice to go through a tense period in a friendship, and realize that for a time, you need to tread on ice until things smoothe over. But ... that's what growing pains are, I suppose ...