DARE I SPEAK UP . . .

I've been pretty honest on my little journal here in the past ... even though I know there are, like, five people reading this on a consistent basis, plus some unknowns who don't even care, I've essentially bared myself here for both yours and my benefit. There is some value to "hiding" behind the computer keyboard: sometimes I get so heated about issues and so angry and vehement that my throat closes up and I can't speak; sometimes my brain moves too fast and I have too many things I want to say and the words don't come out of my mouth coherently; and of course, sometimes, I am feeling timid and afraid of speaking face-to-face, even to my closest and dearest, so I'd rather vent or complain or whine or be me via computer, rather than via live personal feed. So I'm not afraid of being honest, whether it's by typing to you or speaking to you ... which is why I'm not afraid to say now (or babble about the fact) that I think I'm ready to start looking to meet someone I could freely spend the rest of my life with.

EEP!

There IS context to that statement, but it's a long ugly story that you don't need to hear, but probably will anyway if you see me at all on a regular basis. In a nutshell (incidentally, thanks to JaYcEe for the lovely demonstration of "I'm in a nutshell! This is me in a nutshell!"), my parents really want me to spend eternity with someone I find quite boring and unscintillating, so in order to get them off my back, I need to either (1) start dating around, or (2) meet someone else, like, RIGHT NOW, and start seeing him seriously. Sigh.

This hairy situation is compounded by the fully-conceded reality that, according to a Korean idiom, "my eyes are too high." That is, I have high standards (gasp -- as if that's a BAD thing): I want a Korean man, a Christian man, a man who is older than myself, an athletic (but not meat-heady) man, an interesting and learned man, a man who reads books but also watches bad television, a man who likes to go for hikes and play outside, a man who will patiently and lovingly teach me to do new things and to explore and handle my fears of falling and injuring myself without laughing too much, a man who will play nice with my friends and loved ones, a man who embraces the things and people that are important to me, a man who is respected by everyone he meets, an ethical man, a man who loves children, a man who will treat my family like his own, a man who pays attention to me but also likes to hang with his boys (or boyz, as the case may be), a man who isn't lazy and never will be, a man who isn't complacent with what he already knows but constantly strives to learn more, a curious man, a man with a crazy and weird sense of humor, a steady and consistent man, a man who isn't afraid to cry but doesn't weep like a baby either, a man who knows things I don't, a man who reads the newspaper, a man with whom I'll have a great sex life, a man with whom I will share an eternal and never-flagging passion and love. Sigh. My high and apparently un-meetable standards are why, according to my mother and some other people, I am 28 years old and unmarried. (God forbid I get any "older" and stay single!)

Now, to digress for a moment ... some of my dearest lady friends are turning 30 this year. Several other of my dear lady friends are way past 30. Some of them are or have freaked out about this, some don't care. I, personally, don't care. In my view, today's 30 is like yesterday's 20, especially given our prolonged life spans. But more importantly, I was such a slug in my 20's -- apathetic, lazy, unskilled, ungrown, unpolished, unthinking, selfish, insecure, etc. -- that leaving them behind would be, for me, an absolute TRIUMPH. I will BLESS the day I turn 30 because that will signify for me the first day of a new decade in which I might actually be able to DO something WORTHWHILE with my life, given the skills I will have accumulated, the realities I will have learned, the financial stability I will have gained, and the true realization of the meanings of important things, like belief, faith, friendship and love. I hope that right now, I can be an encouragement to my friends who ARE turning 30 before me, and not use age 30 as a "oh my God, I haven't done anything with my life yet and I'm still not married!" ...

Back to the topic at hand ... I'm not bothered by the fact that I have high standards -- I don't want to spend my life with someone I don't love, or with whom I will fall out of love, or who I cannot and/or do not respect. I'm not bothered by the fact that I'm 28 and unmarried -- age means less to me than other things. And besides, people still ask me for photo identification when I go to see R-rated movies. The only two things that bother me right now about being single are:
(1) almost all of my friends are married, and that makes social situations ... interesting and sometimes a source of minor agita. Is it okay that I'm the only single woman here? Is it okay that I'm having a serious and private conversation with a friend's husband? Is it okay that because of me, the seating at the dinner table is an odd number? Do my friends pity me? Do they even think about me being a single woman, or is it all in my head? (Don't answer the last question. I think I know the answer); and
(2) my parents. Ick.

I confess that today, I possess a sort of double motive. On the one hand, of course I want to meet someone I can freely love, someone I can show off to the world and for whom I can loudly proclaim my affection and devotion, someone with whom I can concretely and securely and adventuresomely build a life. If I could meet him today and start on that crazy trip together, that would be just peachy. But on the other hand, I just want to get my parents off my back. They are soooo disappointed in me that I won't fall in love with the one they want me to fall in love with. (You should see them moping around the house. It's pathetic actually.) So frankly, I just need to throw them a bone, something to distract them. A little "see, I'm going out and playing the field, so if you'll just relax a bit, I'll bring someone nice home for you and you'll eventually have grandchildren" tidbit.

So ... half-facetiously (errrr ... refraining from a well-worn but inappropriate joke here) and half-seriously, I call upon my trusty friends out there (if you don't know who I am, don't bother) to FIND ME MR. PERFECT (or at least someone I can pass off to my parents as such). I trust you guys right now more than I trust my blinded and single-minded parents, who know me only as they WANT to know me. The rest of you know me as I am and as I can be, when I drink, when I'm sober, when I cry, when I laugh and snort loudly, when I sing off-key, when I road-rage, when I pray outloud, when I am mean to my neighbor, when I put up my wall, when I let my wall be chipped away, when I sneer at someone, when I pull out my elitist bullsh*t, when I am humble, when I am moved, when I am amused, when I am extremely and disgustingly lazy, when I am righteously indignant, when I snore in my sleep, when I drop babies on their heads, when I drop myself on my head, etc.

And if it works out, you'll get a special honorable mention in my wedding programs! (After I recruit you to help me fold them, of course.)