I'M A NERD . . .

I'm glued to the television tonight: it's "American Idol 3" after all -- where else did you expect I'd be? Sheesh.

Tonight is country night -- all the contestants must sing songs originally created and delivered by country musicians. The songs have been great ... the singers have been eh. And the all-cast music videos are just hideous, in a "it's so bad, it's good" sort of way.

But I just have to say ...

Little Diana: I guess I just have a prejudice against teeny-bopper singers, even though Britney and Christina and Debbie and Tiffany all started out in that category, and at one point or another, I enjoyed them all. But she too should be allowed to go home, go to high school and grow up a little. Look what happened to Britney and Christina. Ew.

George: what is there not to love? I didn't think it was appropriate to compare him to last year's Ruben, just because he's another black man with a hot voice. But his hot voice is certainly one that I could listen to for-evah! And by the way ... he's just adorable!

Fantasia: she kind of scares me, although she was funny tonight. Her voice, when great, is great. When not great, can break tempered glass. She was also mean to my honey, Simon.

Redhead John: someone please vote him out. He forgot the words. He is NOT adorable. He is NOT charming. He can only sing in one kind of style. He is NOT the new Clay Aiken. Please send him home, let him hit puberty, and then let's see where he can go ...

Camille: I just don't like her. I don't like her voice. I don't like her performances. I don't like how she dresses. I don't like her video montages. Kick her off.

Jennifer Hudson: could we PLEASE stop talking about her weight? She is beautiful. She is talented. She is confident. She has the coolest hair! (Which, disappointingly, she straightened this week. Wah.) Oh, and by the way, she's still waaaay smaller than the average American woman. So y'all should get off her case! Jeez.

The Pen Salesman: I do not think he's that great a singer. But he's sooo entertaining! I mean, he's a middle child, for crying out loud, and a total spazz to boot! I relate to spazzes ... even untalented ones. I would not be offended if he went to the top six ... but then he really WOULD have to go, just to preserve the facade of the integrity of this competition.

Jasmine With the Flower: Uh-oh ... I normally like her, but she is SO out of TUNE tonight. Ew. I can't listen. I might actually have to mute her. But her dress is cute. Too bad the dress can't sing.

Rose Bowl Matt: Hmm. The new improved sweet mellow Matt. Interesting. And occasionally out of tune. Very out of tune. But I think I like him because he's not like anyone that one would expect to be on "American Idol." And I find it very ironical (I know that's not a word) that this big ol' Rose Bowl winning football player is now on "American Idol." That just makes me laugh.

LaToya: in all the time this season has been on, I have never heard LaToya sing. Tonight, I heard her sing. First of all, she memorized all those lyrics. Dang. And allow me to just say ... THAT GIRL CAN SING. And Paula put it most accurately: she's a young Gladys Knight (with some good ol' Tina Turner mixed in). And Lord knows the music industry could use more Gladys and Tina ... Plus, she's graceful, gracious and well put-together. That's it. The competition is over for me.

Pink-Hair Amy: first of all, her hair scares me. Secondly, I LOVE the song she sang ("Sin Wagon," by Dixie Chicks). And I have to say ... she sang it pretty damn well. But forget the singing. Did she suddenly lose, like, 15 pounds? Did they overdo the body bronzer? Did they chisel her cheeks? Did someone suck out her normal body fat? This isn't Amy; this is someone else. I don't want Amy sticking around till the end, but please, bring the real Amy back!

And that's all she wrote.

***

And now for her commercial commentary ... I saw, for the first time, the new Verizon ad featuring a family called The Elliotts. The mother is apparently Hispanic, the father is white. They have four children and an enormously cute dog, all apparently bright, cute, funny and loving. The mother speaks Spanish on the phone, apparently speaking to a relative, while also trying to manage her adorably chaotic household. The father, though dressed uptightly in a buttoned-down business shirt and necktie, still manages to geekily connect with his slightly hip-hop-but-respectful teenage son. It is the ultimate in politically correct, socially conscious, "look, we are trying to reach all segments of American culture" advertising. And I love it.

The ad makes me gag slightly for its cheeze-factor and the picture-perfectness of it all. But ... after all the other junk on television, in programming and advertising alike, a little cheeeeeez and picture-perfection is kind of encouraging and uplifting and heart-warming. My heart doesn't get too warmed by television lately ... Verizon did me good. (And I'm proud to say I own a Verizon phone!)

***

I just started tearing up at a Coca-Cola commercial. You know what I'm talking about: black woman walking down a sidewalk, handing out bottles of Coca-Cola to strangers and passers-by, singing about how she wishes she could change the world one person at a time. Weep, weep. My heartstrings have been duly tugged, and yes I AM craving an ice-cold bottle of Coke. Isn't it amazing how that happens?