BLURRY BLURRY . . .

I bought a bed over the weekend.
One down, everything else to go.

It's amazing to be on the cusp of home ownership. I have so many worries -- financing, not being suckered by handymen, not being suckered by my bank or my lawyer or the sellers or their lawyers, buying the right amount of paint, moving, paying for furniture, separation from family, being financially responsible for the rest of my life -- that I can't really focus on the joys right now -- being independent, having a space of my own, taking luxurious time to determine my style and make the place my home, organizing a painting party, having family and friends over for dinner or a late-night barbecue on my teensy outdoor deck.

It doesn't help that everything looks alike.

Really, how many different shades of blue and green paint can there possibly be? Oh Lord, don't ask. I'm blind in one eye already and the other one's going fast ... And how many different shades of dark wood stain can there possibly be? And why does no "mahogany" match with any other "mahogany," and why do all the "walnut" stains look different from each other, and what the heck is "honey" anyway? I wish I was into Korean black lacquer furniture, because then I could just take J2's inheritance off their hands ... but no. I can see it now. My vain efforts to decorate tastefully (as well as piecemeal) will result in a home full of furniture that kind of matches but mostly doesn't. Oy.

It really doesn't help that I have no talent for this at all. When I listen to Soybean and Mrs.G envision my space, their space, anyone's space, I am rendered speechless. They have vision, they have eyeballs inside their brains, they have the drafter's paper all laid out and the color-wheel spinning, they have fingers inside their skulls feeling different textile textures, they can space furniture and picture frames, they can calculate paint gallons and roller nap sizes, they can see vertically and horizontally as well as on the fourth plane. It's amazing. Simple ol' me -- I see something I like, buy it and hope it kind of goes with other things I have. Usually it doesn't. Blue is blue, green is green, and I don't know what color "Anticipation" is supposed to be.

My small consolation -- which also freaks the bejesus out of me -- is that I have this place ostensibly forever. It's mine. I can do whatever the heck I want with it. I can paint it again and again and again until I get the colors right. I can move furniture and do all sorts of crazy things. It's mine.

Wow. It's mine.