THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU ARE ALONE, BABYSITTING 7-MONTH-OLD TWINS FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF UNTIL THEIR MOTHER COMES HOME FROM WORK AND THEY SHRIEK LIKE BANSHEES FOR THE LAST THIRTY MINUTES . . .

1. Rub their gums with your finger. Maybe they're teething and need the itch to be scratched. Remove finger when they bite down and leave imprints.

2. Rub their bellies with your hand. Maybe they're gassy and bloated and need to fart for relief. Stop rubbing when they pull the "I'm going to go as stiff and flat as a board and start to slide rapidly out of your grip" and lunge to catch them before they drop onto the floor.

3. Feed them formula from a bottle one at a time. Maybe they're hungry ... both of them ... at the same time. Realize that popping one bottle from one mouth to another every ten seconds is probably not going to soothe them much or quench their hunger. Stop feeding when they open their mouths wider than ever and shriek louder than ever, slapping the bottle with their open hands to get it out of their faces.

4. Change their diapers. Maybe they had a poo emergency or pee build-up. Realize that their diapers are completely dry. Try to catch them before they throw themselves over the side of the changing table.

5. As you change their diapers, fan their naked butts with a new diaper to try to cool them down. Maybe they're hot and uncomfortable -- wouldn't YOU be? Realize that if you keep doing that, they might just pee in your face. Slap the new diaper on as quickly as possible. Again, try to catch them before they throw themselves over the side of the changing table.

6. Wipe their faces with a cold, damp paper towel. Maybe they're hot and sweaty and not accustomed to the suddenly warm weather. Use the towel to wipe their chins when they throw up instead.

7. Place them in their Exer-Saucers with the scary toys attached. Maybe they're sick of you holding them and just want to be let alone to play. Remove them from their Exer-Saucers when they start launching themselves backwards in the little sling-seat, shrieking and crying and flailing their arms and banging their heads on the backrest.

8. Sit them on the floor, place their favorite toys and books in front of them, and turn off the "Baby Einstein" DVD. Maybe they just need peace and quiet. Scoop them back up as quickly as possible when they droop and shriek and threaten to fall backwards in protest at not being held anymore.

9. Place a baby biscuit in their little fists. Maybe they just want something fun to munch on and slime. Realize the biscuits probably aren't going to cut it when they FLING them across the room. That was actually amazing to see.

10. Struggle to pick up both babies at once, hold them in a comfortable position, and rock them back and forth without dropping them or dislocating any limbs. Maybe they just need to be coddled. Realize that they are calming down and rubbing their exhausted faces into your shirt. Walk, sweating and disheveled, over to the folding chair conveniently placed by the French doors overlooking the front yard, and plop yourself into it, both babies clinging to you. Rock back and forth in the chair, singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" in a low, soft voice. Perceive that the babies are totally calm now; one is enjoying dancing back and forth on your leg, the other is placidly staring out the French doors at the wide world beyond. Stop singing. Maybe the babies want to sleep. Realize that they will start crying again unless you start singing again. Sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" for the next twenty minutes, rocking back and forth, losing feeling in both arms, until their mother arrives home. Be mortified that both babies' faces are tear- and snot-streaked, clear evidence of major meltdowns. Chuckle in frustration when both babies laugh hysterically at seeing their mother. See, everyone needs their mother. Gleefully hand said babies over to mother, limp out the door, and realize on the way home that your arms feel like noodles and will be sore when you wake up the next morning.