SNUBBED . . .

What is it about women, that those who for all intents and purposes have the most in common with each other, instantaneously butt heads and put up walls against each other?

Case in point: this month, NHF is launching its care groups. (I shall write a long dissertation about the futility of the launch and the ridiculousness of the drama preceding and following it later. It exhausts me to even consider it now.) The care group that I have tentatively decided to join -- after determining that it can only be good for me to join one despite my initial misgivings and pessimism -- is led by two couples. One couple I know slightly better than the other couple (whom I don't know at all) -- the husband is a funny man, but well-respected and certainly faithful and knowledgeable and a constant source of humor and endearment. The other couple is new to NHF -- they have only been with us for two months or so. The female half of this unknown couple, a capable, intelligent mother, wife and attorney, is the root of my ponderings.

She and I share the same name, spelled the same way. Our first introduction to each other, at the preliminary care group meeting, ensued as follows:
ME: "Hi, I'm Churchgoer."
HER: "Oh. I'M Churchgoer."
Shaking of the hands. She turns and walks away. I'm like "what the ..." Then she turns back to me.
HER: "Do you spell Churchgoer with a C?"
ME (smiling, because I've already been instructed to give her a chance): "Yes."
HER: "Oh."
Again, she turns and walks away, this time permanently.

I know I am hypersensitive in most of my emotional responses, and that I have an imagination fed by years of literature both trashy and worthwhile, but at this moment, I felt mightily rebuffed.

Later that evening, sitting around Camp Capio's dining room table discussing care group logistics, the other Churchgoer looks pointedly at me and states:
"If you think you might feel more comfortable at another care group, say, the Southern one, please feel free to go try it out. We will not be offended if you choose to join that one."

Now, there are myriad possibilities for this pointed remark:
1. It wasn't pointed, and her eyes just happened to rest on me during this statement.
2. She thinks I'm actually, like, twenty years old (not an impossibility given that movie theaters do still ask for identification when I go to see R-rated films), and believes that I would not have much in common with a group full of newly-married and newly-parental folks.
3. She knows I'm older than just twenty years old, but thinks I don't belong in a group of married and parental people because I am neither married nor a parent.
4. She just doesn't want me in the group.

To all of these possibilites, I offer a full-bellied, whole-hearted BEH! Complete with accompanying scowl and scrunched-up nose.

First of all, why would she -- a woman who turned away from me after finding out only my name, who has made no effort to have any sort of frivolous or serious chat with me, who is as cold as cold gets and who has left a bad first impression on more than a few people at NHF -- assume anything about me? Her assuming anything about me, without knowing me, is like me sitting here thinking she's a cold bee-yatch who can't possibly care for our group as a family. I look forward to having this assumption of mine be broken. Or breaking it myself.

Secondly, so what if I AM twenty years old? I might be a very mature twenty.

Thirdly, given that I AM twenty-eight and single and childless ... what is the big f*cking deal (aside from the BFD that I make it inside my own head)?! Am I threatening to her because I have a life that isn't necessarily tied to taking care of a husband and/or children? Does she assume that I don't care about my dearest friends who have either/or? Does she assume that she has nothing to learn from me, or that I have no desire to learn from people of her marital status? Does she think that because I am unmarried and childless that I do not have other interesting life experiences to share with the group? And finally, IS HER SELF-IMAGE AND SELF-WORTH SO TIED INTO HER HUSBAND'S AND CHILD'S THAT SHE HAS NO IMAGE OR WORTH TO CALL HER OWN, AND CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT IMAGE OR WORTH I MIGHT HAVE OF MYSELF?

I think I'm digressing, so I'll digress some more as I consider my response to the fourth possiblity, that she just doesn't want me in the group ...

Mr. Pepsi offered some insight yesterday during brunch into the psyche of female attorneys, with his wife, another Korean-American attorney, offering more analysis. On Mr. Pepsi's hand, female lawyers, perhaps because of their legal training or natural inclination (which led them to lawyering in the first place) or social pressures, are opinionated and it comes across in a negative way to those who are on the listening end. On Ms. Nice Attorney's hand, maybe the other Churchgoer is one of those "women lawyers with a chip on their shoulders and something to prove." Ick. Bad combination. Ergo -- and this is quite a stretch of an ergo -- the other Churchgoer can't prove what she needs to prove if there's another one of her in the room who seems to have it all together, and maybe even more, because the other one is without husband or child to worry or care about.

So does this petite, Korean-American, educated, female attorney not want me in her care group because I, too, am a petite, Korean-American, educated, female attorney? Is it that nefarious? Or does she really think that for my own benefit, I should be with my own demographic instead of playing with the big married kids? (Which, incidentally, would render her a complete hypocrite given her emphatic statement that "we need to become a FAMILY." Last time I checked, MY family has members of all ages, all sexualities, all faiths, all genders, all educational, social, economic and marital status.) Or have I just read too many books and watched too many episodes of "Days of Our Lives" during my formative years, leaving hard scar tissue on my brain?

OR ... to digress even further into my own psyche ... as I was telling Alien's Mama yesterday: perhaps I'm merely tainted by my parents' negative experiences with the church. Church authority leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, and it's all I can do to not buck against it every open chance I get. Seeing the agony my parents went through certainly has shaped me, and though their faith in God, Christ and His redemption is strong, their faith in the church institution has been rocked again and again, and not without leaving battle scars. Am I merely my parents' daughter, rebelling against even my care group leader because I actually like my pastor and don't feel the need to rebel against him?

Juicier yet ... maybe I'm simply a product of how my parents raised me: I am special. I am smart. I can do anything I want. I can be anything I want. I am intelligent and responsible and capable and strong. So when I come across someone who is like me (or who my parents think is me), I butt heads because ... because I don't like it? Only I should be that way? Ugh. I thought I left all that behind me and grew up a little ...

Dang. Time to go to church. The irony slays me.