REVENGE OF THE NERD . . .

Sometimes, I surprise even myself with the depths of my capacity to be nerdy, and the fact that I get excited about things like the new Apple G5 and Tiger, the latest Mac OS-X version.

But it's all just so preeeeeetttttty.

***

IF YOU WERE ME . . .

If you were pretty darn sure of wanting something -- really, really, truly darn sure, and I mean praying-for-it-every-day-every-moment and thinking-your-life-would-be-simply-grand-if-it-came-to-fruition and unable-to-think-of-anything-else sure -- but felt like it might not become yours anyway, what would you do?

What would you do if you felt like if it became yours, it would be too good to be true and that's scary to you?

What would you do if you felt like you could move God's heart with your constant petitions, but were still not completely positive about that because you feel sort of bad about constantly bugging Him about it?

What would you do if you were on a constant roller-coaster because the positive signals you receive, indicating your wish might come true, are sparsely interspersed with negative signals, dashing any hope you might ever have harbored?

What would you do if the consequences of getting what you want are as scary as the consequences of not getting what you want are devastating?

What would you do if you became tired and ashamed of asking God for this thing that you want because you just think He stopped listening weeks ago?

What would you do if you want this more than you've ever wanted anything in recent memory, but still can't tell if you really want it, or if you just want to win?

What would you do if your heart felt pure about wanting this, but still feel sort of foolish for your longing?

What would you do if you felt like you would bank your future on this one thing, but feared being left in the dust because you put all your eggs in one basket?

No, seriously, what would you do? What am I to do?

***

OBJECTIFIED . . .

(OK, I'm not writing this to be arrogant or snotty or all up into myself, and I'm NOT NOT NOT fishing for compliments from those who know what I look like. It really is a weird phenomenon for me, and there's no one I can really talk to about this in a serious way, so I express myself in song. I wish.)

The other day, one of my dearest friends asked me, "haven't you been told before that you are beautiful?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I wanted to burst out in wild, hysterical laughter. "Are you freakin' kidding me?!" I wanted to screech. But I was at work, and we do try to maintain a minimum of decorum here.

No, I haven't really been told that before. But in the last week, more people have said that to me than in the last twenty-nine years of my life combined. Alright, so 99% of those offering me compliments were total strangers, friends of my parents whom I met at a huge Korean wedding, couples who all wanted nice, Korean-speaking, church-going, professionally-employed, clean, "beautiful" me to marry their sons and give them many, many grandsons. (But I take it where I can get it, you know what I mean?) Then last night, during dinner, my parents said I looked particularly lovely (only a parent could say such a thing when I have my bangs pinned up with big shiny clips, kimchi jigae dribbling down my chin, grains of rice stuck to my sleeve and meat juice grimed all over my fingers, God bless them).

It's so weird. When I look back over my physical appearance and how I felt about myself over my life span, these are the words and sentiments that come to mind: frumpy ... short ... frizzy-haired ... not Caucasian ... not Korean enough ... dorky ... clumsy ... too plump ... too skinny ... square-faced ... pointy-chinned ... flabby ... awkward ... too pale ... over-dressed ... always a season behind ... invisible ... boyish ... klutzy ... spastic ... insecure ... utterly uncool ... dumpy ... uncouth ... ugly.

What a strange journey I've taken since January to the present, from learning that God made me wonderfully and beautifully in His image, to developing confidence that He wants me to stand tall and walk facing forward with no burdens, to being encouraged by friends and family that the good qualities of my heart -- as few and feeble as they might be -- exhibit themselves in a lovely way in my outer appearance, to being told by strangers and loved ones alike that I look good and am behaving nicely.

Part of it is that I now let my hair stylist do whatever she wants when she cuts my hair. Part of it is that I can now afford to buy clothing that fits me properly, and have ceased caring about what others think of my fashion sensibilities. Part of it is growing up and realizing that if I'm short, oddly-shaped and not Caucasian, ain't nuthin' I can do about it. Part of it is growing in my faith and realizing that if God thinks I'm beautiful, I don't have to give two hoots what anyone else says. Part of it is stretching into myself and learning to receive compliments graciously. Part of it is being encouraged by friends and family who want the best for me and believe that I can be and do whatever I set my mind to. Part of it is the experience of getting my eyebrows shaped for Banana's wedding (Soybean can back me up on this one -- that was WEIRD). Part of it is allowing myself to be loved by people other than just Omma, Appa and Cheech (who would still say that I'm the biggest dork he knows, and would I please STOP wearing that awful hooded sweatshirt?!). Part of it is going out on a limb for crazy reasons, things, people, and coming out unbroken and strong. Part of it is being healthy (mostly) and reaping the benefits of full lungs and flexible muscles. Part of it is being satisfied.

Lots of parts to make up one beautiful me. I confess, I still can't say it without feeling self-conscious, being worried that I'm standing on the verge of extreme hubris or indulging a delusional ego. But I figure, there are enough things in life to get me down, to make me feel bad about myself, to make my shoulders turn inward and my face point down to the ground ... girl's got to learn to say a nice "thank you" and let her ego be boosted sometimes ...

***

AMPUTATION . . .

According to the evil beings at WebMD, I could be suffering from a pinched nerve, internal swelling, an injured blood vessel, or peripheral neuropathy in conjunction with an autoimmune disease, like lupus. GREAT. I detest WebMD, but I just can't seem to stay away.

I do not, however, detest Dr.Wu, who, while not being completely alarmist, has nonetheless instructed me to "call your doctor." Yikes.

***

KLEE, CLAY, SAME DIFFERENCE . . .

I dare you to tell me you don't love this:


The Law

And if I could create a little gallery in my home, I'd add these:


Signs in Yellow


Lady Apart


Blue Night


Flora di Roccia

***

F-F-F-F-FRIDAY . . .

What is your favorite…?

1. …Cold Remedy? Day and Night Comtrex.

2. …Thing to do when you’re sick (lay on the couch, stay in bed, etc)? Gather everything I might ever need -- snacks, carton of orange juice, box of tissues, extra blankets, books, magazines, Bob -- and lay in a prone position in front of a softly-humming television set to something I don't have to pay attention to -- The Learning Channel, HGTV or Bravo! -- so that I can sleep on and off throughout the day.

3. …Item of clothing to wear when ailing? My loose grey cotton lounge-pants, a long-sleeve cotton shirt and my big fluffy grey hooded sweatshirt.

4. …Person to comfort you? Mommy.

5. …Food to eat? Kimchi jigae and room-temperature water.