TODAY'S OBSERVATION OF HUMANITY . . .

Despite conventional wisdom, it occurs to me that men are just as good at leading women on as women are reputed to lead men on. It occurs to me that it doesn't matter the man's vocation, his age, his maturity, his outward behavior. It also occurs to me that perhaps men know exactly what they're doing, and do it anyway. That's just not right.

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TODAY'S OBSERVATION OF MYSELF . . .

Sometimes, I wonder how much I interfere with the fulfillment of my own destiny. I wonder, what could I have accomplished, what desires of my heart could I already have realized, what people could I have loved and what pain could I have let go of if I had been bold and made the first move? I see people around me being apparently shameless, being apparently bold and adventurous, being apparently innocently unafraid, and I am equally appalled at their shamelessness and envious of their courage. I wish I could say what I wanted to say. I wish I could invite the company of people. I wish I could wash my hands of those who waste my time. I wish I could just take a step out on the plank, and not be so filled with trepidation about how wide or long the plank is.

I think I anticipate too much, and I just want everything to be perfect. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, I don't want to push people away, I don't want to get all up in someone's grille, I don't want to overstep my bounds. But as a result, perhaps I retreat too much? Perhaps I let my inherent shyness and fear dictate too much of my behavior. I sit by and let someone else live the exciting fulfilling life that I envy. I don't just reach out and grab it like he or she does. I don't trust that people will be honest with me if I'm being pushy, and I dread the possibility of hearing that truth.

And I think the worst part is this: I'll sit idly by and make excuses for myself by saying, "God will take care of this for me." I don't subscribe to the school of 'God helps those who help themselves.' No, in my life, it has always been true that God and only God helps me and sustains me; I'm useless to Him when it comes to running my life. But even so, I find myself using Him in the worst way, as a crutch for the circumstances in my life. I don't have that soul-satisfying public interest job: is it because I assume I don't have the entrepreneurial spirit to delve into it? Right, so I'll wait for God to create that spirit in me before I even make a go for it. I'm not married to the man of my dreams: is it because I assume he'll come to me instead of me going to him? Right, so I'll wait for God to point him in my direction. I go for weeks and weeks not having a single evening to myself: is it because I don't want to say no to all my friends and loved ones and risk being left out of the loop or hurting someone's feelings? Right, so I'll run myself ragged and ill and hope that God will heal me soon.

The thing is, God ain't my garbageman. He always does, and is always willing to, clean up my messes, but that is not what He is in my life for; that is not why He is God, my God. So why do I treat Him like one? And why do I underestimate myself and limit myself, glancing jealously out of the corner of my eye at those who have everything I apparently want, while saying, "God, how come you didn't get that for me?