WHAT'S YOUR DREAM? . . .

The Unlimited Mood dares to ask the question to beat all questions: what is your dream? Never mind all the ensuing questions: are you living it? Why not? What's preventing you? Oh, it makes my head spin ...

What is my dream? Being blissfully unemployed for the last six weeks, that's all I've been thinking about. Not that I've been some sort of robot for the last four years -- and so what if I've been? I've been the happiest robot lawyer ever to have existed in history! -- but when I was working and 'being a productive member of society', I didn't really take the time to stop and think about my dreams. The visions I had for myself when I was in high school, college, graduating college, entering law school. The things that stirred my soul, moved my heart, got my blood pressure rising and my skin flush. The ideals I held (and maybe still hold?) onto. The work that would mitigate any low salary or lack thereof. What are my dreams?

I equate my dreams with the things about which I am passionate. And maybe that's my problem: I'm passionate about too many things. Partly, this is due to my character and personality. I don't like to think I'm a bandwagonner, but I recognize that I spread myself thin emotionally. How can I not? How can I face the things that I must face in this world -- poverty, racism, sexism, classism, tragedy, injustice, atheism, ignorance, miseducation, unfairness, illness -- and not be passionate about eradicating, healing, changing, curing all of these things? And most of all, professing the faith I profess, how can I stand idly by and not be passionate about bringing Christ to this world in all His glory? That is what I was made for. So what are my dreams?

So many ... I dream about taking my law degree and running with the wind with it, pouring justice in heaps wherever I go. Becoming a top-notch federal prosecutor, never losing a trial but only getting guilty verdicts in cases where the defendants really are guilty. Making the streets of New York City safe for all New Yorkers. Ushering in a new era of freedom and security for my fellow citizens, and teaching rising prosecutors how to be fair, just, polite, compassionate, hopeful, professional, caring. Shunning awards and plaques, working only for the public good. Or maybe going completely non-profit and going back to my roots: galvanizing the Korean-American community into action, for goodness' sake! Let us here on the East Coast not be limited to partying and event-planning. Let us be heard in our votes, in our contributions to the economic and political landscape, in our joining with other ethnic-American groups to further the interests of our community instead of just ourselves, in encouraging subsequent generations to put down roots and follow their dreams.

I dream about joining InterVarsity staff on the campus of Columbia University. Living and breathing and walking and learning among some of the brightest young people in the world. Soaking in the lifeblood of a vibrant urban campus teeming with hearts open to academic learning and spiritual growth. Answering seeking questions, leading students to Christ, putting in them a passion not only to become fantastic members of society, but also compassionate members of the universal church. Praying God's power and peace over a campus that cries out for Him, all day and all night. Cooking for students who don't have time or money to feed themselves; going on retreat to wide country locales, only to come back to the comforting hum of Manhattan; sitting in a local cafe preparing my talk for the week's meeting and thinking, "I love it here. I love these students. I love this campus. I love this city. And all my love pales in comparison to the love that He has for all of these things, all of these people," and being completely overwhelmed by this thought. Taking all that potential -- so much potential and they don't even know it, it breaks my heart! -- and channeling it towards good.

I dream about going back to school, to medical school (oh, I can hear my parents' protests already!) and emerging a pediatric oncologist. Working alongside Cheech, the pediatric surgeon, brother and sister tandemly striving day in and day out to save the lives of the most precious and helpless. Perhaps going full-time in a small town, a local clinic, someplace where folks don't always have the resources to afford people like Cheech and myself, but we'd get some fat government grant, no? Traveling the world for months out of every year to under-developed countries, because we know children's suffering is not limited to the United States. Maybe dragging some New Hopers with me, because every place needs even a temporary infusion of teachers, developers, lawyers, doctors, engineers, artists who love God and love His Creation.

I dream about writing a book, two books, lots of books. Nothing spectacular. In fact, I suppose this is a selfish dream, for it helps no one, contributes nothing to society. But I dream it anyway. Telling stories of my incredible parents, my delectable childhood, my bizarre upbringing, my crazy family. Relating anecdotes of my hilarious, intelligent, passionate, lovable friends. Giving the inside scoop of a judge's chambers ... or maybe just the coworker who made the judge's chambers even worth writing about. Drawing for you a picture of a perfectly rainy day, a radiantly sunny day, or just the day that made all other days pale in comparison. A love story, a tragedy, a travelogue, a diary of interesting meals I cooked, or the time I ate nothing but bagels and baby carrots for a couple of months during college.

I dream about getting married and having babies and being ... well, being everything. As passionate as I am about working and doing all the things I dream of above, I am equally as passionate about devoting myself to caring for my husband and raising my children and caring for my home and my church and my family and friends. If this means I don't work outside the home, then so be it. It's a gorgeous day out and I want to pack up my family and take them to the park? We're there! Someone at church is sick and needs me to come over and make dinner for her family? I'm there! My husband needs me to help him in his work and it would make his life easier if I did so? I'm all over it! There's a volunteer opportunity to spend a couple of hours a week at the local hospital reading to sick children? Sign me up! My parents have retired and want me to spend a day golfing and hanging with them? I'm so ready! My husband has a month off and wants to take the kids to travel the world? Who am I to say no?

These are big dreams ... and it's all the follow-up questions that prevent me from living them. How do I condense my life to live as a Christian campus staff worker, or to go back to school, or to take a job that would downgrade my former salary by almost 50%? How can I be sure that at the impending age of thirty, I'll have the stamina to do any of this (much less have the stable of babies I'm hoping for)? How long must I keep applying and applying and applying for that amazing job that I keep getting turned away from? How do I trust God that if I lift my foot and lean forward and let the momentum carry me, that He will catch me and place me exactly where I'm supposed to be?

There are those who will say, "just do it." Oh believe me, I want to. I sooooo want to. So ... maybe I will.