PUTTING THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE . . .

A while back, I heard someone say that Biblically-speaking, a woman can't sit around waiting for her husband to become respectable before respecting him. Sometimes, a gal's got to dole out the respect first and watch her husband grow into it and take on respectability as a permanent mantle.

I think the same is true for giving trust and being trusted.

My ego is so big that I can't believe people would not trust me, either with tasks or with words. When it comes to tasks, certainly, I get the job done. With words ... well, I try. I'm pretty good at keeping secrets, usually because I forget them soon after hearing them. There was that infamous season where I kept forgetting that Mabel was pregnant, even while her belly was expanding before my very eyes ... eh, bygones. And I try, I really, really do try, not to speak ill of people behind their backs or to their faces. I like to think that I'm thoughtful, caring, deeper than I am shallow, a good listener, prayerful. I'm not nosy; I ask after people if I think they need to be cared for; and I don't ask after people if I think they desire privacy instead. But what if I'm none of those things? What if I'm not trustworthy at all? Ouch, that smarts a bit.

But maybe it's tit for tat, trust for trust. Maybe the understanding that people don't always trust me is what I get for not trusting a single person around me, except my blood family. (Maybe this is what I get for growing up in a house where we were taught NOT to trust anyone but blood family?) If I'm honest, even among my closest and dearest, I plague myself with a few ounces of mistrust -- can I really confess this, can I really brag about this, can I really fall on my face without them laughing at me, can I really show my true self and not be hated? It's difficult not to; who out there has not experienced the sting of being betrayed to one degree or another? Unfortunately, even within my Christian community -- we are yet human, after all -- my lists could go on and on: the times I laid bare a shortcoming and had it later used against me when I fell short again; the times I boasted of an achievement or skill and had it later thrown in my face when I couldn't live up to my own standard; the times I shared a secret and had it later repeated back to me from several different sources; the times I discovered lies, half-lies, white lies being told about me, behind my back; the times I needed care and found no care coming from the place I assumed it would naturally flow from; the times I think people just don't care, so I am freed of an obligation to share.

How do I keep on keeping on in the face of these events? How am I to trust if everyone renders themselves untrustworthy? I know that grace and forgiveness tie into all of this, but these things, also, are hard to give when I'm not receiving them in turn. It's a big fat roundabout, and I wonder if the bottom line is this: trust first, take the ensuing stings, keep on trusting and wait for trust to be returned. Walk in a straight line.

But heck, forget about the giving -- I want to be trustworthy, too. This, I have not the least idea of how to accomplish (particularly difficult because I thought I was trustworthy already. Big eep.). I suppose there is no need for everyone in the world to trust me with themselves; I couldn't carry all of that and myself anyway. Still, if I bind myself with certain folks, certain groups of people, particular communities, then not only do I have an obligation to give of myself and not be selfish with who and how I am, but others also have the obligation to step over the line and offer themselves to me as well. If we all were like me, waiting on my side of the middle line for folks to prove themselves so that I can bestow upon them the wonders and depths of me (please know how sarcastically I speak of myself!), then there would be no friendship and no community at all. Oh, that is so sad for me and so sad for all of us. So the challenge for me now is to lessen the sadness of others, to be at the middle line already with a broad heart, a closed mouth, open ears and a wise mind. I guess that's the way to do it, to earn trust and grow friendship.

Put it out there first, and see what follows ...