THERE'S ALWAYS MORE . . .

Appa emailed me last night and told me to be careful and not go outside. He fears I'll be retaliated against for being Korean.

I wasn't scared until he said this. I figured people in general are rational, that they will know the difference between one imbalanced person and me, that they will not be driven to revenge against people who share the same background as the shooter, that they will not be taken over by raw emotion. Now, I wonder the opposite. Do I really have reason to fear for my safety? Do I really have cause to think that people will look at me differently from now on? Will others no longer evaluate me by my own account, but by the account given by some stranger hundreds of miles away?

I was always proud to be a Korean-American. When people asked me my background, I was so thrilled to share it, to talk about it, to let them know that I come from a people who are industrious, hard-working, faithful, dream-chasing, ambitious, proud. Today, I'm stricken by a sudden crisis of identity and confidence. What will happen the minute the word "Korean" comes out of my mouth from now on?

I hate that I'm scared to be me. I hate that I don't feel safe today as an American, and that I don't feel like I can rely on other Americans to back me up, countryman to countryman. This is a bad, bad feeling.

***

I KNOW JESUS CHRIST AND YOU ARE NO JESUS CHRIST . . .

Apparently, in some of his mailed-to-NBC rantings, the shooter compares himself to Jesus Christ, dying like He did.

Uh, NO. I REJECT THIS CHARACTERIZATION AND I REJECT YOU, SHOOTER, FOR DARING TO MAKE SUCH A RIDICULOUS COMPARISON.

Jesus Christ lived His life in peace. Jesus Christ endured humiliation, temptation, suffering, pain and all this world had to hurl at Him with humility and obedience to the Father. Jesus Christ retaliated not one bit for the things He had to bear. Jesus Christ not once turned from the path of love, grace and simplicity. Jesus Christ not once considered revenge although He had all the power and resources in the world to exact it. Jesus Christ died after deepest degradation and hours of painful suffering nailed to two pieces of wood, so that people might have eternal life through the shedding of His blood and the taking of their sins upon His shoulders. Jesus Christ sacrificed Himself so that people would no longer have to suffer as He did.

Jesus Christ did not kill people because they hurt Him, made Him angry, taunted Him, caused Him to suffer. Jesus Christ restored life, He did not take it. Jesus Christ's anger was righteous and glorifying to God, not self-serving and hateful. Jesus Christ did not inflict further pain and suffering upon a world already chock-full with both. Jesus Christ ranted for the purpose of speaking truth and defending the holiness of His perfect God and Father, not for the purpose of launching vitriol against humanity. Jesus Christ did not flinch from the near-impossible life of bearing difficult things, and He did not stray from a message of peace, forgiveness and unconditional, powerful love. And Jesus Christ did not die in some bizarre, militant, violent blaze of glory; He died with the weight of the world on His shoulders in complete submission to God and humility before man, knowing with the cleanest of consciences that He still overflowed with love and grace, even unto His last, ragged, humble breath.

To even imply that Jesus Christ would look upon the events at Virgina Tech and think, "oh, look, someone whose handiwork I approve of because he died just like I did" is horrific, ridiculous, misguided, stupid, and WRONG. My stomach churns all over again.