YOU VEX ME . . .

. . . when you act like you know me better than you do. Knowing my name does not make you my best friend. Having the same career as I do does not make you a member of my club. Being of the same ethnic background as me does not give you deep insight into my psyche. Having known me as a child does not make you an expert on my development into an adult -- in fact, that makes you less likely to know me well now.

. . . when you are clueless. Don't stand up in a theater space if you're seated in the front row. Don't talk on your cell phone in enclosed spaces, unless you're trying to coordinate where to meet your dying loved one in the hospital. Don't stay seated on the subway when a pregnant woman, elderly person, parent carrying children and shopping bags, handicapped person gets on after you. Don't stand on the left side of the escalator. Don't walk slow on the sidewalk in Manhattan. Don't leave your shopping cart in the middle of an empty parking space next to your car.

. . . when you drive like an idiot. Stay in your lane. Use your blinker. Don't swerve in front of me, and then laugh because you think it's funny that I freaked out. Don't toss your garbage out the window on the highway. Don't dance so hard to the radio that your car veers around on the road. Pay attention to your blinker -- if you're not turning, turn if off. Get your muffler fixed. Don't speed so much, unless you have a death wish.

. . . when you are tactless. Don't ask people how old they are and how much they weigh. Don't make jokes about people who are not like you . . . in public. Don't talk in class (or the courtroom) unless you're called on to do so. Don't disrespect your elders for no reason. Don't be exclusive and picky amongst your friends. Don't lie to your friends and family just to save your own ass. Don't be lazy about paying attention to who is around you and how they are feeling.

. . . when you try too hard. You can't woo with smooth words -- they'll only laugh at you. You can't win every argument -- they'll only hate talking to you. You can't be the best at everything -- they'll only think you don't have time for them. You can't be everyone's friend -- they'll only think you're frivolous. You can't always be the center of attention -- they'll only get bored with you. You can't attract with just makeup -- they'll only wonder what happened to your personality. You can't know what everyone's thinking -- they'll only think you're being passive-aggressive.

. . . when you are rude to strangers. Always remember: the bus driver can ignore your bell-pull; the waitress can spit in your food; the court clerk can temporarily misplace your important document; the secretary can schedule your appointment for 7:45 a.m.; the store cashier can forget to give you the discount; the nurse can make you wait to see the doctor; the cab-driver can take the long way home; the undercover officer can arrest you; your law school classmate can be the judge you appear before in 20 years. Just suck it up and smile -- you know life ain't that bad.

. . . when you are close-minded. Why are you telling me Christianity is wrong? Why are you telling me abortion should be illegal? Why are you telling me Democrats are stupid? Why are you telling me women shouldn't be in combat? Why are you telling me I'm too young to do the things I want to do? Why are you telling me who to marry? Why are you telling me I don't have the strength and stamina to be in elite law enforcement? Why are you telling me America should police the world? Why are you telling me that black and white high school students should have separate proms? Why are you telling me I shouldn't have gay friends? Why are you telling me God doesn't exist? Why are you telling me you're so liberal and accepting?