TURNING GEARS . . .

I am a major conspiracy theorist. When you put me and Hooch together and anything even slightly out of the ordinary happens -- the local deli doesn't answer the phone after 2 rings -- we immediately think worst-case scenario, and our brains jump into gear as to what we can do about it. Clearly, the person who shot John F. Kennedy has taken the local deli owners hostage and that is why they are unable to bring us our turkey sandwiches, so we must go and rescue them, as well as solve a decades-long mystery!!!

Hearing about major power outages that shut down south London during the evening rush hour today does absolutely nothing to stop those gears from turning at full speed.

This is no coincidence, my friends. Even your more-rational, less-eager-to-jump-to-conclusions, haven't-watched-too-much-TV-or-read-too-many-political-crime-novels brains must concur with mine on this one.

Did al Qaeda operatives not take practice runs before 9/11, flying as airplane passengers and observing airplane protocol? Did they not take flying lessons, however feebly and stupidly and lazily? Did they not linger in Manhattan, rooting out flight patterns, watching the skies, staring at the World Trade Center towers as they plotted their sick little martyrdom?

Is it so outside the realm of possibility that such finesse-less preparation would take place again? Is it really possible that the whole Eastern seaboard and Canada would power down for a day without warning? Is it really possible that all of South London would power down within the same month with no warning? Are they -- whoever they are -- watching us, jotting down our reactions, seeing how prepared we are, observing who responds first and who answers to whom, listing the apparent chain of command, gauging the White House's reactions, gauging our reactions? And who's the chucklehead brushing these events off as if they happen everyday?

You can laugh, but I can't. You can't tell me to come to work in a federal courthouse every morning and not worry about it. You can't tell me that nothing untoward is happening because, well, you don't know. You can't tell me to trust my government because, well, there's only so much it can do to protect us, despite its most honest and best efforts. You can, however, come join me and Hooch for lunch and we can give ourselves the heebie-jeebies about all these theories . . . or are they?!?!

Important note to the CIA: I REALLY don't know what I'm talking about. I have an over-active imagination. I read spy novels. I watch Tom Clancy movies. I look for action and adventure in everything around me because I'm afraid to get involved in it myself -- I don't like getting scraped up and having to slap Band-Aids all over myself. So don't come knocking on my door at 4 in the morning asking me why I'm saying these things. You should be thinking the same things before I can even formulate the sentences anyway. . . . Or perhaps I should just stop writing things that might spur the CIA into action. Sigh. When WILL I learn?