DIAMONDS ARE WHOSE BEST FRIEND? . . .

Hooch just got through telling me how utterly appalled she was by the new "Joe Millionaire," which premiered yesterday evening. (She also says that she'll never watch it again, but already, she's given me several justifications for why she might have to tune in next week.) She says that as soon as the women contestants discovered that the cowboy was a millionaire, one of them, in essence, declared "Now he can buy me diamonds!"

Ick.

Aside from the pure "ick" factor of these women, that comment re-raises a question in my head that I've often wondered about: what is it with women and diamonds? So many of my girlfriends, so many of my mom's girlfriends, gush and fawn and drool over them. Diamonds and their carats are topics hashed and rehashed, as engagement rings, 10th-anniversary bands and solitaire pendants are oohed and aahed over, and the men who purchased these items are given twinkling looks of sheer approval and adoration. I just don't get it -- what am I missing, exactly?

For sure, I like pretty things as much as the next girl. When I dress up, I have a fair collection of jewelry from which to choose the appropriate accessories. I confess a partiality to the Elsa Perretti collection from Tiffany's, and a sterling silver cross given to me by my parents hangs around my neck 24 hours a day, almost 365 days a year, with much love. But this strange demand for diamonds and for men purchasing them for you . . . I can't comprehend it and I don't like it.

Over the years, despite the urgings of my girlfriends to the contrary, I have come to these conclusions: I don't want any diamonds, I don't think. (Knowing my luck, I'd lose them or get them stolen off me on the subway anyway.) I don't need a diamond on my engagement ring, when and if I get married; in fact, a couple of years back, I saw an engaged couple wearing matching engraved platinum engagement rings -- both of them flat bands, his reading "FIANCE," hers reading "FIANCEE" -- and they were the most charming and meaningful things ever, truly signifying their commitment to each other, and not just his purchase of a shiny bauble for her. And if I should ever succumb to the desire for diamond solitaire earrings (which I do admit, I think are pretty), then what the hell -- I'll just go buy them myself!

There, I'm off my soapbox now. Thank you.