MOVING ON . . .

Tonight, I take down my 2003 calendar(s), and put up the ones with "2004" emblazoned across the cover. Okay, that's after the effects of whatever I imbibed wear off and I clean myself up a little bit. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow morning. Or tomorrow afternoon, instead. And we all will face writing "03" on our checks and correspondence until about mid-April. How strange, the passage of time.

Normally, around this time of the year, I get a bit morose. As I see the new year rushing full-speed at me, I start to get heavy-hearted and teary-eyed thinking about things like "my parents are getting older" or "I'm still not married or anywhere close to it" or "what have I done with my life" or "when I was 8 years old -- now, those were the good old days." I lie in bed at night and deliberately conjure up memories from my past: moments that will never be recreated, times when I was completely happy and oblivious to the cares of the world, when I totally indulged myself and felt loved by everything and everyone around me. I let the waves of nostalgia wash over me, until I can feel my heart clench and the tears squeeze out the corners of my eyes as I long for those particular events and days, foolishly thinking that they were better than the days I'm having now.

That hasn't happened so much this year. Of course the morose thoughts still take a stroll through my brain every now and then, and various friends of mine, especially C and Hooch and my NHF goils have been on the receiving end of my "I wish I could see into the future and know that everything will work out somehow" rants. But this year has been a little different from all years past.

It was very full. A lot of stuff happened this year. From January 1, 2003, to today, my calendar (all my calendars) has been chock full of events, occurrences, big steps, and major changes. I went to more weddings than ever and ran around in high heels for more hours than I would have ever imagined in my worst nightmares. I ingested more ice cream in the span of one summer than I have in the past five years. I had consecutive late nights having the most fun ever. I had baseball games and dinners out and jaunts in the city and trips out of state and drives around the neighborhood and hikes in the woods. I had one speeding ticket, four parking tickets, two fender-benders, and one ripped-off front bumper. Poor Good Girl. I had two rounds of home renovation, both of which went (and are still going) weeks overdue! I had Sunday afternoons lying out on grass with my friends. I had cozy evenings in front of the TV with special friends, and early mornings rushing to work with my eyes barely open, but a smile on my face. I saw Foxwoods, Tampa, L.A. and Albany. Yay, Albany. I had a couple of trials at work and one major decision that took months to do, and for which I suffered a constant incoming barrage of indestructible candy corns from Hooch. I am now an auntie to seven babies (soon to be eight), and godmother to one. I was almost constantly tired, but so so happy and felt so so alive this year, surrounded by family and friends so precious to me.

This year was also one incredibly packed learning experience, more than twenty years of schooling combined. I learned about my work ethic: how I need to bone up on my weaknesses and ask for cultivation of my strengths. I learned how to be a friend and not take advantage of the fact that my friends love me and will forgive me for the wrongs that I do. I learned how to be patient and flexible when the hallways of the house are filled with dust and boxes and paint cans and ladders and I can barely walk to take a pee, much less cook myself or my family a meal in the non-existent kitchen. I learned how to support my friends through hard times and to listen to them and sympathize, even if I am unequipped to offer advice or a solution. I learned how to put aside a negative first impression and give someone a chance, just because it's the right thing to do, even if I am disappointed in the process. I learned how to love someone openly, honestly and with abandon, and the importance of communication (or trying to communicate) in maintaining a significant friendship. I learned how to laugh in all circumstances and in all rooms of the house, and that rehashed jokes are not always a bad thing. I learned that the past does come back to haunt you, or at least to visit for a short while, and that everyone knows everyone knows everyone, so it's important, like Dad says, to be me and to be real with all the people I meet. I learned that I need to be more generous, kinder, more compassionate, more patient, more diligent, more attentive, more selfish at times, less road-rage-y, more relaxed about certain things, more trusting in certain people, less fearful, more adventurous, less unreasonably cautious, more confident, less doormat, more encouraging, less judgmental, more discerning, less outspoken, more thoughtful, more faithful. I learned that being physically fit does make a huge difference. I learned that I am stronger than I thought and had more endurance than I thought and that my body can take me places I didn't think it could. I learned that I certainly do have friends who will stick by me through anything and everything, despite distance or differences in circumstance and philosophies. I learned that it is true that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I learned that the best-laid plans don't always work out, but second-best-laid plans are good too. I learned that stepping off the edge and doing something slightly forbidden and slightly scary can be totally rewarding and worthwhile. I learned that putting on a smile even when I don't feel like it can make the smile soak through to the inside sometimes. I learned to drive manual. I learned to appreciate the outdoors more. I learned that having high expectations isn't always a good thing, but keeping high standards is.

See, I had a very busy year, and I am still trying to figure it all out.

I don't see how 2004 can bring anything that will top anything that I've lived in 2003. But of course, just when I think things can't get any better, they always do. And just when I think things can't any worse, they always do. Such is my life, such is all of our lives. And we keep chugging along, doing our thing, making the best of our circumstances, trusting in God to keep us going, praying for safety and for peace, relying on our friends and family to hold us up when we lag and to let go and applaud when we rise up.

I hope that if you choose to reflect on the last 365 days, your thoughts, like mine, are just as warm, happy, sad, confused and utterly, totally, completely, to-the-bones satisfying, and that when you lie in bed and look back, like I do, you squeeze out tears of gratitude and fulfillment, as I will.

Happy New Year.