GROWING UP IN THE CHURCH . . .

When I look back over the last 28 years of my church-attending life, I am often surprised and heartened. Surprised, because statistically speaking, as an American woman in her 20s, I technically shouldn't still be a believer; I should have "fallen away" at some point in college or soon after graduation. Heartened, because I haven't, and though it hasn't been easy believing or living a life of belief the whole time, I'm still here. I still believe in God; I still believe in salvation; I still believe in loving Him and loving my neighbor; I still believe in grace; I still believe that I am forgiven; I still believe that God so loved the world, He sent His only Son to save it.

So looking at my church life now, it's not my faith that is wavering; instead, I find myself questioning my place in the church, particularly at NHF.

We are a small body -- our core group probably totals no more than 50, although our numbers have been increasing in recent weeks as friends and people in the community hear of PEK's arrival. There are probably about eight couples in their forties or older, most with two or more children; probably about six couples in their thirties, some with children, some with babies, some just loving life on their own. There are a few couples in their twenties, and just a small fraction of them have started to expand their families. There's a varied assortment of single folks in their twenties and thirties, myself included. No babies for us yet, I don't think, but who's judging, right? The last three groups of congregants is bizarrely and collectively referred to as "the Young Adults." And then we have the high school kids -- just four, I think. We are, for the most part, a tight-knit group. Everyone cares for each other, though not everyone is the best of friends, and we have worked hard over the past several years to create this motley but loving family.

So the question that has been pushing at the walls of my heart since Sunday afternoon is this: how come we don't play together? Or more precisely, why don't the Young Adults play with ... the Older Adults? And why do we complain about them not playing with us, when we don't ask to play with them? And why do we even need to ask to play with them? Can't we all just ... play nice together, even without asking permission? Isn't that the point of a church, to just be able to BE, without worrying about how we are be-ING?

I ask these questions because this past Sunday, during the fellowship hour (more like two hours, given the increasingly extravagant meals that are being served -- Hallelujah!), WJ came over to the table at which many Y/A's were sitting (because of course, we sit separated according to our age and friend groups and almost never intermingle) and extended an open invitation to the Bible study at his house this Saturday. Now, I had heard about these Bible studies. Actually, let me offer a revision: C told me about the amazing FOOD offered at the Bible studies held at WJ's house. Apparently, WJ is a true connoisseur of the barbecue method, and orders his wood chips special-like from North Carolina. I happen to be a sucker for good barbecue. Even for bad barbecue. Or I might just be a sucker, period. But I digress.

I've never been invited to the "adults'" Bible study before. I was never UNinvited, and of course, I never asked to attend myself, but that's not the point. The point is that it never occurred to me that I might even be welcome at "their" Bible study. Even while we Y/A's, or at least us Y/A women struggled to put together our own Bible study groups, it never dawned on me that I could join one that already existed. In the hidden depths of my heart, I always felt that the "adults" had their own thing going on, and the rest of us had to find our own way to do "our" own thing. But I now find this silly and counter-productive for a few reasons.

First, this whole "us"-vs.-"them" or "us"-exclusive-of-"them" mentality is simply misplaced in a church setting, or at least it should be misplaced in a church setting. It's not like one of us is Shrub, and the rest of us is the Axis of Evil. We are a CHURCH, for crying out loud, and we should be one body, with Christ as the head. Of course, the church's members have different needs, and there's certainly nothing wrong with organizing separate and distinct activities to try to meet and serve these needs. But shouldn't this be done with the purpose of strengthening the whole unit, instead of dividing the unit up into distinguishable and segregated portions, who inevitably end up misunderstanding and miscommunicating with each other, as distinguishable and segregated groups are wont to do? Second, while NHF does have a Women's Group, a Young Adult Group and a Couples Group, it also has a "Bible Study." Just that -- a Bible study. It's not the "People Aged 40 And Over Only" Bible study, or the "Only If You're Married With Children" Bible study, or the "Open Only to People Who Always Act Mature and Adult-Like" Bible study. As C told me, it's just a Bible study ... so why do some of us automatically impute to that the preface "Adults Only"? In doing so, we Y/A's exclude ourselves ... and then sit around and grouse about it, even though the subject of our grousing doesn't really exist! See? Silly. Finally, JJ brought up a good point on Sunday evening: how long can most of us continue to call ourselves "Young Adults," at least when categorizing by age? Many of the "Young Adults" are now 30 years old or over; I'm going to be 30 myself in two years; most of my 20-something friends are not that far behind. Is this going to be some weird mental thing where we're going to call ourselves "Young Adults" even into our forties, as long as there are people older than us in the church? Isn't that just ... strange and slightly Michael Jackson-ish? At what point are the Y/A's going to stop clinging to our church childhoods and say: "We too are adults. Please treat us like adults. Actually, let's act like adults. Let's stop asking to be coddled. Let's be pro-active. Let's make friends with other adults. Let's be role models and sources of encouragement to those who are younger than us, those who actually will be young adults soon. Let's stop feeling like we have to ask permission for everything. Let's stop being passive-aggressive. Let's be brave enough to expand our circle of friends. Let's do things together and play nice as a family. Let's stop complaining about "them" and start to do something about the things we whine about. Let's be unafraid to take responsibility for ourselves and for NHF."

So where do these recent revelations leave me? Well ... I think about this coming Saturday's Bible study at WJ's house and C's encouragement to "just go." (I also think about the barbecue dinner to be served, but I promise, that is a minor consideration). If I attend, I am fairly certain that I will be the only single "young" woman there. I can also be assured that there will be some minor hubbub: "WOW!!! You're HERE! You've JOINED us! WELCOME!" (Which I guess isn't totally a bad thing -- I'd rather be welcomed than not, right?) Though I will want to lay low and listen and just soak in the new scene, there will also probably be some "And what do YOU think? PLEASE speak up. In fact, what do ALL the Young Adults think?" Some of the older ladies might pull out the old stand-by line: "When are you getting married?" It's just inevitable. And when my Young Adult friends discover my plans to attend the Bible study, I might hear "you're going WHERE?!" But if don't attend, I think I will regret it, especially since I was invited, and especially now that the idea has taken firm root in my head. C says it would be the kind of study and discussion I would enjoy -- he knows me pretty well and I can safely take his word for it. Plus, with the coming of a new pastor and the start of a new year, I've sort of made a commitment to myself to not be afraid of so many things at NHF like I used to be: to not be afraid of branching out, of making new friends, of drawing closer to the friends I have, of being a more active and responsible member. At some point, I have to truly make NHF my home, instead of just a place I enter every Sunday, where others make decisions on my behalf and of which I can wash my hands come Monday morning. And finally, there are just some really cool people who attend the study: WJ, who is so encouraging to our Praise Team; C&M -- self-explanatory; S4, who are so fun and interesting and who groove in the aisles and who are home makeover mavens; S&C, who are like surrogate parents to so many of us younger folks. I like hanging out with them; I wish I could hang out with them more; I wish I could get to know all of them better; this Bible study would be an easy transitional way to do all of the above.

Putting on a new attitude is scary, for me and probably for most other Young Adults. It might mean opening ourselves up to people we assumed we had nothing in common with. It might mean a shift in the friendships -- some very close friendships -- that already exist within the Young Adult group. It might mean coming to a realization that we were wrong -- no one was excluding us, we were marginalizing ourselves. It might mean suffering through some growing pains as we take on new roles and responsibilities at NHF. A true concern for me, certainly, is that I wouldn't want any of my Y/A friends to feel that I'm "moving on up," or ditching them to make new friends. But my deepest hope is that we could all "move on up" together, or develop new friendships together, or embrace the older folks at NHF who might be able to better guide, encourage and teach us than we are able to guide, encourage and teach ourselves, together. In doing so, we Young Adults might learn to be better friends to each other, and we might be spurred as a stronger group of younger folks to do great things at NHF, not simply for our own satisfaction, but for the good of the whole church family. As it should be.

So ... I'll keep you updated. Will I invite any of my cohorts to go up to WJ's barbecue fest -- I mean, Bible study, with me on Saturday night? Will I be able to sustain my new attitude and new commitment for longer than just a few days? Will I, one young, single woman, make any difference at all in the hearts of those around me? Will I be any sort of encouragement to any of my friends, or allow myself to be encouraged and taught by those older and wiser than myself? Will I be able to break out of my "I'm still young and childish" rut and stand on my own as an adult member of the church? Stay tuned ...