LOOKING AT ME . . .

Sometimes I scare myself with my ability to be angry and keep on being angry. I jokingly justify me by saying "Oh, I'm a Scorpio" or something stupid like that, but really, I'm just flawed and immature. Just in the last few months, I can point to at least two things that have filled me with rage (controlled, but rage nontheless) and which continue to enrage me. Whenever I think upon these things, my stomach clenches in extreme agita, my heart starts racing from the adrenaline pumping through it, and I just want to hash and rehash and rehash the hash again with my friends who are probably most sick of hearing about how enraged I am. But of course, given my Scorpion nature (har har), no amount of rehashing truly alleviates my heart or gives me relief.

Shrub fills me with rage. Down, Secret Service, down! I have no desire to hurt him -- I don't even want to be NEAR the man. I just don't want him to be MY President anymore, representing MY country and pretending to do good things for MY fellow citizens when I see him only serving special interests, merging church and state, and meddling in places he shouldn't be. I wanted to take consolation in the fact that perhaps he was surrounded by smart people: Colin Powell, Condi Rice, even Dick Cheney -- who, while being a total nutcase, probably is quite intelligent. But what is one to do in the face of someone who is vacant AND stubborn? Those two qualities in one person are impenetrable.

Shrub would support a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. Now, I'll be honest with you. I don't know what my stance on this is. But me being undecided does NOT mean Shrub can decide it FOR me. Why is he even in a position where he can SAY something about the issue. Stupid Florida. I could go on and on about Shrub: the fact that he blew a budget surplus in less time than it takes me to wipe out on a snowboard ... the fact that troops are STILL in Iraq, doing what exactly? ... the fact that OSAMA BIN LADEN (remember him?) is still out there and we have found no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and so what was the war about again? ... the revelation that he was 'planning' to attack Iraq at least a full year before 9/11 happened -- please don't use the deaths of my friend and my friends' friends as an excuse for your pathetic vendetta ... the fact that he's willing to devote massive amounts of money to this and that and the other thing that his friends are involved in, but PUBLIC SCHOOLS ARE STILL FAILING AND CHILDREN STILL DON'T HAVE HEALTH CARE ... but wait. I'm becoming angry again.

Deep breath.

Even people less removed from me fill me with lingering, festering anger, and when the situation involves someone that I actually know, that anger is mixed with hurt, and stings all the more for it. Particularly in situations where I have made efforts to be someone's friend, listened to someone and 'been there' for them, tolerated all of their idiosyncracies and annoying habits, tried to understand how they could possibly be who they are and accept them despite qualities that would normally drive me away, defended them when no one else wanted to give them the time of day, been unjustly attacked and accused by them, and basically been backstabbed by them ... I am left not only angry and hurt, but completely reeling from the fact that I have no idea what happened. And this confusion makes me even more angry.

Who they heck do they think they are, thinking they can go around being the way they are and assuming they don't have to apologize for it? I'm sorry, but sometimes, people's personalities, their very beings DO suck and they DO need to apologize for who they are and they DO need to make conscientious efforts to change. Why do they think they have done no wrong, but conversely believe that everyone else is seriously flawed? On top of that, why do they think that they are rightfully the ones to point out these flaws and inarticulately, hurtfully, bluntly, insensitively and inaccurately suggest ways to correct the flaws? Why are they -- grown adults -- still so unable to be still and look inside themselves, even if it hurts, even if they don't like what they see? Why do they take out their own insecurities on others, in the classic "I don't like myself so I'll make someone else feel bad to make myself feel good" fashion? Why do they have serious mental and emotional issues, but refuse to get much-needed and useful professional help in dealing with them? Why do they put on a front of being nice people and how do they successfully trick others into believing this?

And the thing that makes me MOST angry: why do i even care?!?!?!?!??!!? How many times do my friends have to affirm for me: they are not worth your time and energy; you cannot resolve their issues so don't even try; it is not your responsibility to be everyone's friend; they are jerks so why do you even want to be their friend; rise above and let it go; ignore them, etc.? I know my friends are right, I KNOW they are. But I cannot let go of the anger and the resentment and the hurt. It feeds upon itself within me and I make up conversations in my head -- brilliant, cutting, witty, truthful things I would say to these awful people in my life had I only the nerve, the opportunity, and the duct tape to shut their mouths so I can rant uninterrupted. Why do I do this? Don't I have better things to do?

I do have better things to do. And most of the time, I go about my life doing them. But once in a while, a news headline, a stupid State of the Union address, an inopportune and faux-friendly advance, or a smarmy smile through which I can see the evil (and yes, I think some people ARE evil, just in different way) sets me off again, and I can stew stew stew for hours. And that makes me angry too because stewing is bad for my innards and messes up my regularity! AAARGH, I HATE THESE PEOPLE!!!!!

And that brings me to a subject I was discussing with C the other day: what role does forgiveness play in all of this? I am a self-professed Christian; I have publicly committed myself to living a Christian life, according to what God teaches me and how He leads me. And doesn't He tell me, pretty darn plainly, to love my neighbor? Isn't one of the basic foundations of being a believer rooted in the fact that Christ forgave ALL my sins, and don't I pray for Him to continue to forgive me just as I forgive those who wrong me? What do any of my beliefs, any of the words I pray, mean if one of my favorite hobbies is holding onto anger and resentment and not letting go of it?

I think I resist forgiving people who have wronged me because it makes me feel like a doormat. In essence, I feel like I am saying "you TOTALLY did me wrong, but I'm going to turn the other cheek and wipe your slate clean anyway." That is sooo not me; that is sooo not any human being I know!!! But is that what forgiveness is? Turning the other cheek so I can be slapped upside the head again? Christ was taunted and flogged and persecuted again and again, in ways I cannot even fathom ... does that mean I have to be too? Well, I know that to live a Christian life, I have to endure things that non-believers wouldn't. But ...

I don't believe I need to be a doormat. I believe I would be fully within my rights to forgive ... and FORGET (assuming I could or didn't take such sick pleasure in remembering). I think I could say "I forgive you for being a total jerk to me, but you are bad for me, you are not a constructive presence in my life, you make me and my friends unhappy, and I do not want you in my life anymore." As long as I forgot, as long as I didn't unreasonably and ungraciously hold onto my anger, as long as my forgiveness was sincere, wouldn't that be alright and sufficient? Surely my calling as a Christian doesn't mean I have to be unhappy, or bizarrely and masochistically surround myself with bad elements, or tolerate the constant presence of awful people in my life? Does it? DOES IT?

I don't know the answer to any of my own questions. I know what I feel, I know what the Bible says, I know what I'm taught ... and I need to pray and figure out how it all comes together and what I'm supposed to do and how I'm suppose to live it out, exactly. I need to ask for the ability to show grace as I have been shown grace, the maturity to forgive as I have been forgiven, and the emotional depth to let go and not be weighed down by anger and hurt and live pursuant to the freedom that I have been granted as a believer. I know all that. So I continue to mull the issues ... why do I enjoy being angry? ... why can't I forgive AND forget? ... what does it mean to truly forgive? ... and how exactly do I go about doing that in the face of someone or someones who do not ask for my forgiveness, much less acknowledge that there is anything to repent of?

Any insights from you NON-Scorpios out there?