FRIENDSICK . . .

Watch out, world: Juice is online, ready to regale us with tales of life and medicine on the Wrong Coast.

I'm ecstatic -- another convert to the Wide World of Blogging -- but I'm also intensely friendsick. Of course I, and we, all know that when medical school ends, the new graduates disperse across the country and the world to go forth and heal (hopefully). New doctors return to their families or college stomping grounds, explore new lands, seek warmer or cooler climes. I just never thought Juice would be one of them. I just assumed he would stay with us.

But no. Yesterday evening, he departed for (and apparently landed safely in) the Bay Area, from whence he now blogs like the rest of us computer-crazy folks. In many ways, he's much closer than he appears, kind of like in your car's passenger-side rearview mirror. Certainly, one of the benefits of the Internet age is the ability to be wherever, whenever, in real time or whatever time you choose. So, Juice isn't really anywhere but right here on my computer screen.

Still ... there's no calling him up for a viewing of our "Buffy" DVDs. There's no seeing his freakishly tall frame hauling Consuela around at NHF. There's no making fun of him for bringing a very large duffel bag to an overnight retreat. There's no more of that odd perfume-y smell in his car during carpools. There's no more watching him swoon and nearly keel over at the first bite of a juicy medium-rare steak. There's no more revealing of deep, dark and hilarious secrets by the nefarious light reflecting off bottles of Corona at the 72nd Street Boathouse. And that's just sad.

So ... years pass, people graduate, friends move away and start careers and blogs in order to keep in touch with those "back home." And I guess that's the important thing ... that Juice has a home here to come back to ... when he wises up and realizes he belongs here.

***

WHAT THE HECK IS A CARE GROUP, SHE RANTS . . .

NHF is launching a new initiative this summer, geared towards getting all congregants, old-timers to newbies, plugged into the care system of the church. This term, "care group," is new to me. I'm more familiar with "small groups" or "cell groups" -- groups of six to eight people which are formed from the larger church body so that church members can get to know each other in a smaller, more intimate setting. The small groups I've been part of throughout my life have operated as Bible studies, perusing specific books or passages of the Bible; prayer groups, where members act more as a support system than an intellectual study group; or study groups, where particular themes or ideas or needs are addressed in a more formal and structured setting. And yet, none of these seem to be what NHF is starting this summer with its "care groups."

No one, not PEK, not the deacons, has actually defined care groups. No one I ask knows the answer to the question "so what exactly is going to happen at these care group meetings?" No one knows what to do about the fact that with only three care groups currently being promoted, each group is going to be massive -- at least twelve individuals per group. No one knows how the group leaders were chosen, or what teaching background they have, or what their theology is, or how they are equipped to "care" for people.

But I have more micro-level questions, pertinent specifically to me: If I technically live closer to the Central care group, is that the one I should attend, even though I also am kind of close to the Southern care group? If I am emotionally closer to members of the Central group, should I join the Southern group just so I can fulfill the alleged purpose of these care groups: to get to know people? But can I really care for and expect to be cared for by people I don't know well? Am I really going to open myself up to them, or properly receive them opening up to me? If one group ends up being a touchy-feely support group, should I join the other group simply because I already HAVE a touchy-feely support group and would rather do a Bible study instead? If I join the Central group because people I already know and love are members, does that make me exclusionary, selfish, childish and unadventurous? If I join the Southern group because I don't know people there as well, does that make me nothing better than a social butterfly who just wants to make more friends? If I don't want to be in the Southern group because PEK is leading it and I already spend enough time with him, does that make me shallow and mean? If I join the Central group because I already know its members, will that necessarily make me more open to being real with them and being vulnerable in front of them? If I don't join ANY group, does that make me a rebel and an outsider, someone who isn't doing it even though everyone else is? What if I join a group and find that it meets absolutely none of my needs and I get zero benefit from it? If I join, then quit, does that make me flaky and noncommittal? If I am a member of the Praise Team, attend my Thursday night meetings, and join a care group, Central OR Southern, am I going to burn out and end up resenting church life? Can I do all that and also be active in the service ministries that NHF is going to be pushing in the later part of the year? And finally ... what the heck is a care group anyway, and can I just join a Bible study somewhere?!?!?!

I waver between being really excited for these NHF care groups to start, and being really pessimistic about them, as well as my role in them. On the one hand, it will be exciting to see my fellow NHF-ers come together, get to know each other on a deeper and more real level, help each other to grow and live each day, be there for each other, be involved in each other's lives and curious about each other's well-being. But on the other hand, I wonder how realistic it is. My faith, I guess, is not strong enough for me to believe that God can overcome our humanity, our tendencies towards back-biting and gossiping, towards judgment and unconstructive criticism, our gender and generational gaps, the ease with which we fall back into secretly thinking "at least I'm not like him, at least I'm not dealing with her problems, at least I didn't sin like him, at least, at least, at least." A Bible study, I feel like I can deal with. It's straightforward and no vulnerability is necessarily required. But a care group, where I am to share and be shared with, where I am to care and be cared for, where I am to talk and be talked to, where I am to cry and laugh and show my feelings, as well as observe those of others ... can I deal with that? Doesn't part of me, part of all of us, kind of like the shallow interactions most of us have? It's safer, it's easier, it's less stressful, it takes up less time.

But in the midst of all this wavering and questioning, I keep thinking about a key tenet from one of PEK's recent sermons: a relationship isn't whole if it is easy. In marriage, friendship, family or any other kind of relationship, if it's easy, you're doing something wrong. It is in the hard parts -- the arguments, the fights, the honesty, the reconciliation, the offending and taking offense, the forgiving and receiving forgiveness, the shocking each other with our true selves, the understanding that all of our true selves are shocking to people who don't expect it, the deeper understanding that no one's true selves are NOT shocking -- that people get to know each other and care about each other and love each other. Life is only 50% joy and happiness and la-la-la; the other 50% is all the icky stuff that people spend endless hours trying to avoid, but can't because, well, it's part of life. Similarly, relationships, in order to be 100% complete, must embrace each half -- the happy la-la-la and the icky ups and downs. Certainly, I find this to be true in my own relationships. In all the relationships that are important and vital to me, I and the other party have had to struggle and push to maintain the love and friendship, and inevitably, the result has been a stronger friendship, a greater love, a deeper level of understanding and trust, and a wiser knowledge of each other.

Knowing this application to be true, I also know that I must approach NHF's care groups with a softer heart and a more open, optimistic mind. Sure, there are things I don't want people to know about me, for whatever reason. Of course I don't want to hear bad things about others either, to know they are less than perfect. Can they forgive and love me, can I forgive and love them? It's not up to me ... I just wish someone could answer my questions.

***

Watched: "Shrek 2"
Favorite "Shrek 2" voice-over: Antonio Banderas as Puss in Boots.
Favorite "Shrek 2" one-liner: "Come on, you stupid giant pastry!"