CODEINE-INDUCED . . .

My least favorite part about getting sick (because I have so many favorite parts, right) is the part at the end of the sickness where the cough lingers. And lingers. And lingers. Like a bad stain of baby puke. Codeine helps, but I only take it at night, so during my waking (and working and driving) hours, I am alternately woozy from the lingering codeine and jolted awake by my dry hacking cough. Ick. Moments like these, I think that I will never get better and will never feel 100%. But then in a snap, I'm sure I'll feel better and won't even remember the last time I got sick. God bless the mysteries of the human mind. That is why women have more than one baby.

***

THAT GIRL IS . . .

POISON! I have only met one person in my entire life whom I would describe as being a poison upon the earth. And she drives me nuts and fills me with rage and anger and bitterness. She fills my mind with all sorts of things that I would say to her if only I could. And she makes me want to smack her. There are very few people in the world I want to strike. Actually, there are less than very few people in the world I want to strike. Poison is one of them. Actually, Poison is the only one. Sigh. As I am an avowed pacifist, I can strike her only in my dreams. Damn, I hope I have some good dreams tonight.

But the thing is ... every poison has an antidote. I wonder what can vanquish Poison.

***

LEGAL EAGLE . . .

For all that everyone touts federal judicial clerkships as being the shining and much-envied star on any attorney's resume, I'm finding that people like looking at your star, but won't necessarily want your star to shine in his or her office. I am inundated yearly with letters from local (and not so local: thanks, Alabama, but I don't really want to work there) law firms, big and small, white-shoe and tennis-sneakerish, who want me because of where I work, for they are confident that I am smart, capable, intelligent, personable, and highly qualified. Which of course I am, naturally.

But when they ask what experience I have, they seem to overlook the last four years of my life. I have handled all manner of legal issues -- some better than others, and almost all, largely with great assistance and insight from Hooch, the Legal Beagle -- ranging from employment law, to insurance law, to criminal law, to constitutional law, to intellectual property law. I've worked on cases involving car accidents, double murders, unique machinery, the Post Office, large things falling on small people, discrimination, police brutality, employment disputes and jails, children and boxing matches. From watching tardy and unrepentant attorneys, I've learned to be on time and be respectful. From reading shoddy paperwork, I've learned to spell-check, then check again. From working with Hooch and the Judge, I've learned to be concise and clear. From answering the phones and opening the doors and responding to questions, I've learned to be courteous and polite and even firm. Heck, I've even learned in some situations, to control the contortions of my face -- I can scowl and laugh internally with the best of them. I've done this for four years and churned out a respectable amount of paperwork -- none of which has been overturned, knock on dark mahogany federal courtroom wood, but it still doesn't matter.

Everyone wants me to have more experience.

Sigh. Maybe I'll ask my parents to support me while I go to cooking school.

If I could write any cover letter in the world, this is what it would look like:

Dear White Shoe/Tennis Sneaker:

My name is ChaEsq, and I'm not that interested in working for you unless you assign me to some interesting cases and let me do lots of pro bono work on the side and still pay me and respect me for it. After all, I have a mortgage to pay now.

I'm probably not all that qualified to do anything but prosecute, because that's just in my blood. But I am a quick learner, and I'm not just saying that. Ask my mom: when we go golfing, and I'm hitting some really bad shots, she tells me specifically what to do, and I do it, and my shots go far and straight, with that nice pinging noise as the club strikes the ball. I love that sound. Anyway, my point is that I can handle anything you throw at me, because I'll simply learn about it. I'm not kidding -- I will, and I'll do a good job for you.

Plus, I'm mostly a fun person. I make nice with almost everyone, and I'm not cutthroat or competitive. I don't bother people ... much. I coordinate events pretty well, and am all about bonding and relaxing. Trust me, relaxed employees are happy and productive employees. I'm not pretentious, and I don't strut around in really pointy high-heeled shoes that instantly scream "bitch from hell!" I eat almost everything and almost everywhere, although hoity-toity restaurants make me giggle. I don't take a lot of sick days, and I stock my drawers with lots of goodies so that my coworkers can share with me.

You should at least bring me in and talk to me. Let me charm you with my wit and humor, and show you that even if I don't know a lick about securities regulation, I am absolutely worth teaching.

Oh, and by the way, you have to let me leave at 5:00 every evening because I like to eat dinner in the comfort of my own home.

Thanks for your time.