WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE . . .

It's December 31st again. When did that happen?

Last year about this time, I expressed the heart-twinging, tear-producing nostalgia that sometimes strikes me like a speeding train at the end of a calendar year. This year ... I don't feel that as much, and I'm not sure why. Instead, I close out this year and look forward to the next with a touch -- or more -- of unsettlement and fear, which strongly overcoats the annual excitement and hope I also normally feel.

I suppose it doesn't help that I'm totally in the throes of the common cold right now -- not the flu, thank God -- and thus, nothing in the world seems right. I don't want to shower, I don't want to go out, I don't want to be around people, I don't want people to be around me, I don't want to eat, I don't even want to -- gasp! -- watch reruns of "Trading Spaces" on The Learning Channel (although I quite enjoyed "The Ellen Degeneres Show" the past couple of mornings -- she is very funny and smart). I am grumpy and sleepy and tired and morose and utterly, supremely, completely clogged up in the sinus area.

It also doesn't help that The Chief lost his beloved sister to cancer, that Gran is starting to act and feel her advancing age, that Omma is now preparing herself for Gran's passing, that the war in Iraq has no apparent end, that our citizens and innocent Iraqis die by the dozens daily, that a huge segment of the world is suffering in plain view right now, that an even huger segment of the world is suffering and we can't see it.

I look forward to a year in which my comfortable, secure, amazing job comes to the end of its term, in which I may or may not find the love of my life, the One to live the rest of my days passionately and wholeheartedly with, in which many of my friends keep moving forward in their lives, diverging further and further away from me, in which I and those I love will get busier and busier, in which I will have more obligations and responsibilities, some of which I shoulder gladly, others which I wish I could pass of on others, in which I may lose loved ones.

But this is not to say that the past year hasn't been good. I've grown up and I know it. That is always my goal, year after year -- to grow. I look like I'm sixteen years old, but that doesn't mean I have to be trapped inside my body, right? This year, I bought a condo, took on a mortgage, dealt with lawyers and banks and other random people who wanted my money and lots of it. I killed an inordinate amount of scary bugs with minimal screaming, only because there was no one around to do it for me. I grocery shopped for myself, discovered the art of portioned freezing, and packed lunches to save money here and there. I honed the art of knowing what I want and not settling for less. I got into one very very minor fender-bender, and spun out on ice only four or five times. I got new tires on Good Girl, and developed such a good relationship with the guys at my local tire shop that they know my voice on the phone now. I took a break from a bad situation, despite fears of fractured friendships and unrefreshed hearts. I came back into a better situation, more focused and more impassioned. I accepted a challenge presented by a trusted friend, and closed out an Applebee's restaurant on a weeknight in the process. I gamely wore a cardstock foul pole as my friends all laughed at -- no, I'm sorry, laughed with -- me. I focused, refocused, focused again my energies at the office. I forgave and tried to forget a hurt, forging a new, albeit still awkward, path.

I learned a lot in the past year, too. I learned that bad things happen to good people and there is no explanation except that God cries too. I learned that people get sick, people get better, that medicine is good, that disease is scary. I learned that maintaining a friendship is a lot harder than it looks, especially if you're being called on your deficiencies and encouraged to do better. I learned that children grow very quickly and I have to watch what I say around them. I learned that love does conquer all things. I learned that seeing how someone treats those he really loves is more indicative of one's character than how he treats selfish, self-absorbed me. I learned that living on my own is so so great, but also ... lonely sometimes. I learned that I don't like men who can't and/or won't make the first move, or show the least inklings of being able to take care of me. I learned that snowboarding is very, very scary, but also hysterically funny. But that might just be the sight of me in snowpants. I learned that physical fitness is a good thing, and if a mountain bike helps in the process, go for it! I learned that I really miss my friends when I don't see them in a week. I learned that IM is a decent way of maintaining those 'long-distance' friendships and engaging in lively, honest conversations. I learned that Block Island is a beautiful place. I learned that Block Island with my L.O.L.'s is even more beautiful. I learned that as wily as I am, I am surrounded by people who are wilier ... and infintely more funny. I learned that my friends love me. I learned that it's hard to be friends. I learned that I need to take better care of myself. I learned that I can take care of those around me better than I have been.

I did a lot this year. I bought a condo. I painted it, me and my traveling cabal of home decorators. I went to two weddings, but vandalized only one newlywed couple's home, and there, kidnapped one precious pair of ducks for whom I no longer hold any responsibility so help me God. I went to Block Island. I baked a really awful ass-like cake, some kick-ass cheesecakes, several hundred cookies, a couple of pecan pies, and a handful of other cakes. I successfully resurrected the bundt cake. I hosted a baby shower, a barbecue and a cocktail party. I came this close to winning a game of Monopoly, but you really just can't beat the reds and yellows. I finally got up to eat at the Culinary Institute of America and toured FDR's birthplace (this time of my own volition and not as part of some cramped school trip!). I saw my second and third stage plays ever. I went to the beach for the first time in about eight years. I went ice skating for the first time since seventh grade (and still hated it!). I saw my favorite painting at the Met again. I saw Madonna, Alicia Keys, Beyonce, and Missy Elliott in concert. I ran two 5ks to benefit womens' cancers. I went camping. I picked up golfing and ended up not being too horrible at it, although we shall re-evaluate in the spring. I hosted my sister and her husband and their two disgustingly adorable girls, one of whom looks charmingly like Sonic the Hedgehog. I went to five baseball games and strolled the Coney Island boardwalk for the first time evah.

So, I don't really know where the fear comes from. I guess I fear the unknown. I fear my Gran dying, and I fear more the fact that Omma seems to be at peace with it, as if it's alright. I fear that I'll turn thirty without having found The One. I fear that I won't have a job come the fall. I fear that I will be a horrible Missions/Outreach team co-leader. I fear that nothing at NHF will change. I fear that my friendships will change. I fear that love will leave me, or that people will become too busy to love me. I fear that Cheech will go to Africa again and come home sick and exhausted. I fear that the tsunami in southeast Asia won't be the worst of the worst we'll see. I fear that the war will never end. I fear that I'll let my life become stagnant and the same. I fear that I will get sick with some horrible disease, which of course I have no chance of getting, but if I read about it, I'm convinced I have the symptoms. I fear that I'll become too poor or too lazy to start making the small but significant changes to my home that I've been longing to make. I fear that terrorists will strike again. I fear that Shrub will be even stupider (and yes, I just said "stupider") in his next term.

But ... even as I write this, I know this isn't about me. It shouldn't be about me and the things I fear. It shouldn't be about fear, for if I profess what I do, then ... even though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. I may hope nothing for myself; I only hope in the Lord; I must be strong and take heart. I must utilize all my resources to go after the job towards which He is leading me. I must spend more quality time with Gran so as to make each day more meaningful and memorable. I must be a comfort to my mother and lead her to Him as her solace. I must trust in the Lord and lift my abilities and responsibilities up to Him, to use me as He intends at NHF. I must pursue my friendships with grace and love and forgiveness and honesty, and let His spirit break down the walls that hurt and confuse. I must place my heart in His hands and let Him lead me towards my earthly love. I must abide by His timing, and not rush to meet my own arbitrary deadlines. I must read the news every day and never lose focus on the fact that this earth is His creation, that everything in it is beloved by Him, and that I must be part of the maintenance and care of this planet and all who dwell in it. I must raise awareness among my friends and neighbors regarding those in need. I must be a wise steward of my finances, managing well that which He has provided for me.

Hmm. I guess there is a lot to look forward to in 2005. I suppose I just need a shift in my worldview -- to not look at circumstances as "Things To Do Wrong or Not Do At All," but as "Things I Can Still Achieve, Accomplish and Love Successfully, Even If It Takes All Year." My fears are misplaced; better to channel my energy towards flipping fear on its head and coming up focused, dedicated, deliberate, compassionate, kind, hopeful, and when all else fails, prayerful and reliant upon friends and family.

My hope, my prayer is that all of you, my nominal amount of readers, would also be able to face your fears and spit in their faces in the new year. In a time of war and devastation and uncertainty, at a time when kids grow up too fast and the world does nothing to slow them down, during a period when everything is confusing and nothing is clear and life moves just a tad too quickly, it is not for us to put up our hands and signal resignation or even tacit acceptance. Perseverance is the name of the game, in friendships, in family life, in the office, in spiritual growth and understanding, in love, in caring for creation, in making the daily hum-drum not so hum and drum.

My deepest desire is that 2005 bring all of us a deep and abiding peace, a greater affection and understanding for and of each other, the best of health, and the greatest satisfaction of our souls.

See you on the flip-side.