UNDERRATED VIRTUES . . .

I have many character defects ... but in fairness, so do a lot of other people. And I just feel like getting harsh on people today, for I have spent the last few months mulling and pondering the virtues and lack of virtues in myself and those around me, and I need to let off some steam ...

I enjoy discretion. I am sometimes not the epitome of it, but I was raised with the knowledge of its importance. Therefore, I am often stunned and shocked into silence by others' lack of it. People around me, especially women (and I don't really know why this seems to be the case) love to talk about things that, in my humble and perhaps repressed opinion, they shouldn't be talking about. I do not advocate secrecy, for as a human and as a Christian, I know that hiding and secrets are not always healthy. But on a purely social level, I find something inherently wrong with criticizing your spouse in public, or calling your parents crazy when describing them to your friends, or harshing on loved ones to your friends, or retelling in detail every fight and argument you ever had in the confines of your home. There is a fine line between sharing for the sake of receiving comfort and prayer and support, and blabbing for the sake of conversation or even -- and I shudder in my shoes whenever I see this happening -- for the sake of bragging about how insane or defective or deficient or lacking someone in your life may be. I am completely and utterly yours if you need comfort, prayer, support, a quiet ear to hear. But when you are indiscreet and exhibiting a total lack of sensitivity, not just to the subject of the conversation but to the tolerance level of the listener as well, my abiility to sympathize is radically lessened, for it almost becomes a contest of "this person in my life is soooo awful because s/he does this," which prompts another to trump up a horrid story about his or her own. Or what about when spouses 'tell on each other' with the expectation of hearing "oh no, YOU were in the right. Your spouse is TOTALLY wrong." Ugh. How distasteful. Even worse is the implication that if you are willing to be so open with your disregard for your closest loved ones in public, then what might you be saying about me, with whom you are not so closely-tied? Are you telling all of my secrets, airing all of the things with which I have entrusted you, breezily criticizing me for things of which you have no knowledge or understanding? The more indiscretion I witness, the less I am able to trust and confide, even within the Christian community. It's so sad when the walls that I am personally trying to break down are being built up for me by someone else's actions.

I enjoy silence. I am surprised by how many people don't enjoy it, and in fact, are completely incapacitated by it. I recall one occasion, during dinner with a friend who asked me, "Do you always eat in silence?" I replied, "No, but if I don't have anything to say, I'm not going to speak just to fill the air." "Oh," he stated. We chomped on our respective salads and smiled goofily at each other across the table. I continued, "Besides, I am totally comfortable sitting in silence with you, so you shoudn't feel bad that I have nothing to say to YOU. It's totally not personal." He stated, "Oh, I feel better then. I dislike having to fill dead space for no reason." And THAT is precisely it, my friends. Why waste your words? Why fill dead space for no reason? Why be so uncomfortable with something that can be so peaceful and meaningful and refreshing? Why chatter incessantly? And another thing ... silence is NICE. There is so much noise in the world, why add to it? If there is something valuable that need be said, then by all means, say it. But don't just chatter. It's so ... annoying. And as a final matter, I find that most unnecessary chatter directly correlates to the lack of discretion. When there is a lack of substantive conversation, the talk inevitably turns into indiscreet chatter. And that makes me uncomfortable.

I enjoy introspection. It's not always the most fun thing I ever do in a day, but I do it all the time anyway. I look at myself, my inner-most thoughts and feelings, my gravest judgments and darkest criticisms of others. And then I think about their roots. Why do I dislike certain action in others? Is it because I see it in myself and dislike it there too? Or is it because of how I was raised? Is it my professional training, or my religious upbringing, or my worldly experiences? My introspection and discovery of who I am on a daily basis comprise probably all of those things and more ... but certainly I am convinced that I should think before I speak, and reserve criticism and judgment of others, at least publicly, until I am sure that I can speak from a blameless and pure position. Why criticize someone for being inattentive, when my own attention is limited and pulled in every direction imaginable? Why rebuke someone for being late, if I am also chronically tardy? Why judge someone else's opinion or expressed thought, when I have no assurance that my own is the correct one? Why roll my eyes in disrespect and dismissal, when my own behavior doesn't merit respect or adherence? Why speak with hubris and presumed authority, when nothing about me renders me greater or more knowledgeable or more authoritative or more worthy of reverence than anyone else? Why nod my head in frantic agreement with someone I assume I should be agreeing with, when I have not yet taken the quiet time to form an opinion of my own? Or even worse, am I so needing to have everyone else be aware of me (rather than being aware of myself) that I nod my head and act in ways so that others can observe me, rather than taking the time to observe myself? I have done that before, and been horribly ashamed afterwards. But then again, perhaps I think too hard ... or others think hardly at all.

I enjoy coherence. This, I suppose, ties in with everything else: thinking before speaking, or not speaking at all when unnecessary. I like to use words that really mean what they mean, and do not act simply as filler. I try not to be trite because frankly, I disdain triteness, and don't want to have to disdain myself any more than I already do. I try to prepare my words, my outwardly expressed thoughts, so that I can communicate effectively. Yes, I am the Queen of the 18k Email, and I readily concede that succinctness is not at all something about which I know anything. But at least my sentences are real sentences, and my paragraphs flow in logical thought patterns. I use punctuation (though I have been much criticized for my lack of salutations), and mostly correct grammar. I steer away from oft-used colloquialisms, for they tend in any writing to lessen the import of the original message. And I try not to babble when speaking. Dang, people really babble a lot, and honestly, after the fourth or fifth verbal comma, I'm gone. I'm not suggesting that one should compulsively edit his or her speech just to make it palatable to my (and I'm sure, others') snobby tastes. Nay, I'm all for freedom of speech in every sense of the phrase, and I'm all for open communication, however it is to be achieved. I just wish we all thought about how our words were being received, and how best to deliver them. From experience, I know that when certain people speak, I tend to listen with only one ear, for I know there is much extraneous matter to be culled from the real meat of the communication. But when others speak, I am at full attention, for I am able to implicitly trust that they have been careful in preparing their thoughts and tongues before speaking. Perhaps that is unfair, for speaking, even in a small conversation, is in many ways an art form that is difficult to learn. But difficult doesn't mean impossible, and one should never stop learning useful skills.

I enjoy growing. Even if it hurts. I think I've achieved a place in my life and in my heart where I can rely on my most beloved friends and family to lovingly criticize me and they can securely know that I will take their care to heart. I consciously try -- not always with one-hundred percent success -- to apply what I have been advised or have learned to my behavior. I try to understand my criticisms of others and see if I can't apply those same negative thoughts to myself, so that at least I can criticize with a clean conscience. But it's difficult to have this forward-thinking attitude when people around me seem to not care much about their own growth. Everything is someone else's fault, every problem can be fixed by someone else, every wrong has been done against me, and I wash my hands of it all for I am not at fault; I am the victim. Were I to truly think that, I would be rendered a child for the rest of my life. And ICK on that.

I enjoy being unlazy (although, ironically, I am feeling prodigiously lazy right now). You know what I mean, though -- I don't speak of the occasional desire to loll about in sweats and eat potato chips all afternoon long. I'm talking about chipping in to do your part. I look upon our church activity as an example: the same people -- men and women -- help with the breakdown of chairs and tables after our post-service snack, be they tired, sick, pregnant, not entirely young. And the same people don't. The same people help with cleaning up the devoured food, throwing away garbage, washing dishes. The same people don't. The same people gravitate towards the more 'demeaning' tasks, lifting the heavier items, performing more of the perceived drudgery. The same people don't. Now, I know I open myself up to criticism of having Martha Syndrome, being she who would rather cook and clean and whine about it, than sit at the feet of Jesus and spend time with Him. But you know what? I DO spend time with Him, and I am NOT whining. I am simply suggesting that laziness disguised as "fellowship" or "conversation" is still laziness. If people cook for me and set up chairs for me to sit on to enjoy the meal, I consider myself seriously deficient in character and manners to not return the graciousness by assisting in the cleanup and breakdown. I am filled with pity for those to whom those thoughts do not occur.

Alright, alright, enough with the harshness. I'm actually in a perfectly elated mood, and am probably dredging up memories from days long past in compiling my Harsh-On List. I also recognize the inherent conflict in my writings and my thoughts, for who am I to suggest anyone should listen and heed anything I have to say? People are people, and people are different, and blah blah blah, that's what makes the world go 'round (trite). But still. I'm entitled to harsh on people, and so it is done.