23 MINUTES . . .

I have twenty-three minutes before I have to jump in the shower and prepare for the rest of my afternoon and evening (read: struggle with feeling beautiful in a dress I haven't worn in over a year and wrestle with unruly hair that only looks good when I don't need it to). I just realized that saying "I have twenty-three minutes before I have to jump in the shower" sounds really ... anal. But that's me. When I wake in the morning, I plan my day, sometimes, yes, down to the minute. I don't always stick to this schedule, but knowing that I could if I had to soothes my soul.

I have to spew. There is so much going on up there that I have to let some out so I can make room for new thoughts.

... Mabel is heading up NHF's new Women's Ministry Team. I am her lackey, and gladly so. There is a strange sense of non-condescending pride that I feel towards Mabel and Charlie lately. Charlie first busted out onto the NHF W/M scene by humbly agreeing (I prefer not to think that we strong-armed her in any way, but who knows) to lead a small group at the women's retreat a couple of weekends ago. I felt like I could SEE with my EYES the movement of God's spirit over and in her. Every time I glanced around to make sure she was doing alright ... she was. Mabel has always been a leader at NHF in one official capacity or another, but for some reason, this go-around, I feel like she is my leader as well, and it warms me to be able to look up to her in this way. I often wonder how she feels, being about three-four years younger than most of The Girls, and I have the gut sense that as leader of the W/M, she can really step into her own in leadership, growing and stretching in all the ways God would grow and stretch her, and learning all the ins and outs of leading a team of people. Given my own experiences, I would imagine that there will be lots of humbling, lots of blessing, and lots of falling down and struggling to get back up again. But isn't that the joy of service and growing? And will she not have me and The Girls about her to hold her up when her knees buckle? Let the games begin ...

... There are lots of things that are beginning, most especially at NHF. We have certainly been revitalized in a major way since PEK came along. He calls this his junior year, in a sense. Personally, I would view the coming year as the post-high-school-young-adult years of our church body: still young enough to be changed and molded and influenced and energized. But old enough to know better about what is right and wrong, what must be done and what must not be allowed to fall by the wayside in the advancement of the Kingdom. There's no excuse anymore for complacency, ignorance, non-involvement, childishness and immaturity. But there is plenty of room to fall and get up again, to study and study some more, to learn and to pool our boundless energies and talents in application of God's Word ...

... The W/M is only a small part of this new beginning, but for me, a particularly special one. This time last year, I remember so clearly, that all of us ladies were merely getting to know each other. Isn't it bizarre that I can remember this stage of our collective life? I could count maybe six or seven women friends at NHF ... and now, things are so different, for me, and I hope for all of the women. Life is full and busy for us, and maintaining friendship is ... hard. But how can we not see and understand the extent of God's blessings upon us over the course of the last year? How we have been galvanized into action of different kinds, to rally around one sister or another, to serve the church and each other, to support each other's families, to carry the burdens of major life changes as if they were our own. Today, to be in a position where a W/M can be established ... it's overwhelming in the best sense ...

... I am not overworked, not yet. But I am already looking back and wondering if I have been too busy for my own good. Ems and Ha will attest to my workhorse tendencies. I wonder if I use busy-ness as a crutch? Yes, I probably do. Still, I have no easy remedy for this. I work because I love what I do, especially at NHF. To take a week's break from the Praise Team -- although I know I need it to refresh my body and soul (and voice) -- is like slowly tearing a limb from my torso, and then sprinkling salt on the wound every five seconds, and then repeatedly poking the rest of my body with a pitchfork. No, really. I can't even imagine not working with Roberto and Mabel on our respective teams -- how else would I put my passion where my heart is? I have come up with only one solution to ease my overworked-ness. Someone's just going to have to pay for me to go to Vancouver this summer to study at Regent for a week ... and my stopover in the Bahamas on the way back. Thanks. ...

... I was telling Flacon a while back: I really envy those who understand and accept the concept -- no, the actuality -- of God's unfailing love. Praying through the Psalms lately, "unfailing love" crops up ALL. THE. TIME. And each time I see it, my heart squeezes in a million different places for a million different reasons. "How wonderful it must be to receive His unfailing love!" "How great it would be to be able to pray unfailing love back to Him." "Does everyone get this unfailing love except for me?" "What the heck is unfailing love?" Humans don't give unfailing love. We try, we really do, and I have particular friends with whom this concept is almost made complete; for them, I am ever thankful and am often rendered to tears to think of them. But even so, we will never really succeed at unfailing love, nor do I believe we will ever really know what it is. And still, there are those around me who receive God's unfailing love, with open hands and soft hearts and a complete ability to understand it as it comes from Him. I can't do that, and I am beginning to despise myself for it. I am so envious and wish so much that I, too, could be just as open and just as soft, and receive from Him what is impossible to receive from human beings ...

One minute left. Maybe I'll hit the shower early ... let the steam nourish more thoughts ...