THE END? . . .

(So many things are ending these days, it's hard to keep going without stumbling ...)

But that might be the last personal thing I say in this forum.

The unthinkable, but not entirely unexpected, has finally happened: I've been betrayed by my blog.

Someone read something in what I've written, and has used it to question me, the things I write about, and most importantly to me, the people I write about. I don't care if I'm the one being misunderstood or misinterpreted, or if I'm the one whose life is being questioned, used as fodder for gossip and tall tales. But when I can no longer protect the loved ones I write about -- these beloveds whom I describe and share with you because they are so integral to my life and my well-being that I can't imagine living and creating without them right next to me -- then ... I shouldn't be blogging. Not in this forum anyway. Not for your eyes, not even just to share something, someone great in my life. When these who are closest to my heart -- and such people are very, very few -- are ambushed by nosy people who can't control themselves to know better than to snoop, I'm thinking it might be time to shut down, so that I end up sharing only verbally, controlledly, carefully.

Tomorrow, I might wake up and think that I overreacted. After all, this is a public, Internet web log. Anything I put up here for mass consumption leaves my control the instant I hit "publish." I reserve no right to dictate how you should read and receive these words. But maybe that's the problem: I trusted too much the social wisdom of some of my readers (how strange to even say the phrase "my readers!"). I should have been wilier, or more reserved, less open to sharing myself and the amazing qualities of those I love. I should have known better. The control freak in me let go of a bit of control, and it came around to bite me and my friends in the ass.

No, thanks.

Thus commences a period of reflection. Do I shut myself down, or do I shift direction, or do I rebel against the stupid, insensitive and careless people in this world and carry on as usual? After all, I do hate being censored; I especially hate being censored by idiocy. Hmmmm ... I'll have to think on this a bit more.

As for you ... you think upon this a bit more too.
And for crying out loud, GET A LIFE.
Quit living vicariously through me and those dear to me.

(You know what the worst part is? I don't even know who "you" are. There, does that make you feel better and less guilty, and now you can hide behind anonymity? I know who you might be, but I am not sure, and so I won't accuse. And the worst of the worst part of all of this -- as if I could feel worse than knowing that my friend must convince himself of my loyalty and respect for him and his privacy -- is that any suspicion and distrust of people, even my "friends," that had melted away is frozen back up; any walls that had fallen between all of you and me are rebuilt; any wondrous belief I had in the goodness and purity of people's hearts and that people I would call friends would NOT fall prey to the lure of gossip and wanting to be "in the know" has vanished. I'm back to my old self. So you better sleep with one eye open from now on, and yes, you better walk on eggshells around me.)