BEFORE MY TIME . . .

Sometimes, I fear my body is aging before its time. I have been fortunate to always have been healthy. My blood pressure is low, I exercise regularly, I eat healthfully, I take vitamins (even though Juice says I don't have to), I do yoga and stretch morning, noon and night, I sustain a mostly healthy and steady spiritual life, and I surround myself with loving and generous family members and friends.

But none of these things can ward off excruciating back pain and bum knees.

Every year that passes, it seems that my knees feel worse and worse. It used to be that they only twinged before rain or snow events. Now ... it feels like they twinge at everything. A brisker wind. A sunnier day. One more cloud in the sky. Too many hours in heels. Too many laps in sneakers. A few more minutes of sleep. Too many minutes of sitting with my legs crossed ... or extended. They are feeling less and less stable, and whereas before, they would hurt independently of each other, more frequent are the days when they hurt together, in tandem, as if in conspiracy against me. An x-ray seems inevitable; I fear what might come afterwards.

And lately ... my Lord, could I sound more like a whiny elderly lady ... I've been having the most debilitating twinges in my left lower back. Shifting in my seat while driving ... standing from a normal sitting position ... turning my head and upper body to answer someone calling out to me ... holding one of my precious little babies or picking up one of my precious little toddlers ... in heels, flats, sneakers, socks ... straightening from a bending position ... stooping from a standing position ... turning over in bed while sleeping ... reaching across the table for something ... receiving something that a person hands me ... through each of these things, and more, I suffer quietly, not wanting to wince aloud each time, lest I look utterly and stupidly fragile.

I keep stretching and massaging myself, in the hope, the vain hope, that the pain will go away. Maybe I just pulled a muscle. Maybe I just have to crack my back one more time. Maybe I need to sleep on my stomach, or my side, or my back, or sitting up. Maybe I need to walk instead of run, run instead of walk. Who knows?

I feel elderly. I feel fragile. I feel in pain about 80% of the day. I never know when I'm going to be reduced to holding my breath until the severity of the twinges pass. I hardly ever enjoy a self-pity party ... but the invitation is getting harder and harder to ignore.

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CURIOSITIES . . .

I'm so happy to be having a rare, relaxing night in alone, despite multiple invitations otherwise -- entirely different but equally as pleasurable as a rare, relaxing time with the L.O.L.'s or the AJA's -- and after a full day of cooking and eating, I still have food on the brain. Here's me; tell me about you:

What is your signature dinner dish? Oh dear. Not that I'm some kind of uber-chef but I don't think I can name just one, because it all depends on the cuisine, the need, the time ... but when all else fails, I pump out a mean spaghetti with garlic, spinach and andouille sausage in a thick, sweet and spicy tomato sauce.

What is your signature dessert? I love to present an uncracked chocolate-swirled cheesecake (often unsuccessful), or a batch of crunchy-on-the-outside-chewy-on-the-inside cranberry-toffee-bittersweet chocolate-oatmeal cookies (often successful).

What is your signature drink? I am told that I make some euphoric coffee.

What food/dish holds the most meaning for you? Lately, crepes. Dinner crepes, filled with sausage, zucchini, garlic and tomatoes; or dessert crepes, filled with Nutella and bananas, topped with Edy's vanilla ice cream.

What food/dish would you be happy to never eat again? That cow's-blood stew (hae-jang-gguk) that I was suckered into eating during my second-to-last visit to the Motherland. I appreciate its cultural meaning and that it invigorates the body, but ... omigosh, I'm gagging at the memory.

What food did you dislike as a child, but now enjoy very much? Sushi and sashimi. I used to not be able to tolerate anything raw and fishy. Only in recent years have I enjoyed experimenting with different sushi rolls, and my repertoire now includes sushi rolls that do indeed contain raw fish. And my 2004 trip to Whistler and the sashimi that melted in my mouth ... oh, yum. It's not the same out here, but occasionally, I'll partake of sashimi or hwe-dop-bab and really, really enjoy it.

What food did you love as a child, but cannot tolerate anymore? I used to love marinated and sauteed anchovies. (Or at least, I think they are anchovies. I know the English translations of VERY few Korean dishes.) Now ... the saltiness and crunchiness and the eyeballs I used to savor just grosses me out.

What is your favorite street or fast food? You can't possibly ask me to pick just one ... dirty-water dogs anywhere in Manhattan ... pork fried rice eaten straight out of the carton ... McDonald's french fries ... anything purchased at a Manhattan street fair.

What is your favorite restaurant dish? The corn chowder at Xavier's ... the fried zucchini blossoms at Payard ... pad thai at Thailand Restaurant ... the sour-cherry cobbler at that place in Florida (L.O.L.'s: what's it called?) ... the coffee at MoMA (no, it's not a dish, but it's good enough to be).

What is/was your greatest restaurant experience? I feel fortunate to have had many, and doubly fortunate that the factors that made the experiences so great were NEVER the food (which only enhanced the meal), but ALWAYS the company.

What is/was your greatest restaurant disappointment? A pesto pasta dish at Il Buco, attempted about eight or nine years ago. I nearly broke teeth trying to crunch through the pasta; the waitress insisted THAT was al dente over my protests and the protests of my L.O.L.'s. Finally, she took it back, and I just KNOW that all they did was take the same pasta, rinse the sauce off, boil it some more, toss some more pesto in it and SPIT IN IT before they sent it back to me. Yucko.

What is/was your most upsetting culinary experience? Anytime someone hasn't fully enjoyed something I've prepared: the pasta that was too dry, the steak that was overdone, the cheesecake that cracked down the middle, the key lime pie that was too runny, the curry that was too spicy, the coffee that was too weak, the bundt cake that wouldn't come out of the pan even when I threw it against the outdoor patio floor at my parents' house ... how depressing that the list could go on and on.

What is/was your most satisfying culinary experience? Most recently, I've got to say it was making those two huge lasagnas for care group (thanks to Charlie for lending me the biggest pans ever known to exist; I don't even know where one would purchase those minivan-sized pans). I had the exactly right amount of ingredients, everything tasted exactly as I wanted it to, everyone enjoyed it and had seconds ... and thirds, and there was plenty to send home. AND the pans fit in my oven.

What is/was your funniest culinary experience? It would have to be a tie between the time I threw the bundt cake pan against the outdoor patio floor at my parents' house in a desperate effort to dislodge the cake (only chunks fell out, so my family ended up eating the rest of it straight out of the damn pan), and the above-mentioned lasagna evening, when foolishly unattended red pasta sauce exploded ALL. OVER. THE. KITCHEN. And then, all over me, when I ran to see what all the plopping noise was. Too bad I was alone -- it was really funny, and I wish I had had someone to share the hysterical (and desperate) laughter with.

If you had to eat the same dish for dinner every night for the rest of your life, what would it be? Again, I'm gagging at the thought, but I'll venture the following: Omma's kimchi jigae over rice.