GRINCHY . . .

I hate Christmas music. Most of it -- minus a few select Christmas hymns -- fills me with rage and makes me want to (i) stab myself in the eyeballs with a sharp object and/or (ii) stab someone else in the eyeballs with a sharp object. Many people lately have been wanting to analyze me and figure out this weird Grinchiness. I don't think I'm being Grinchy. I love everything else about Christmas -- being with my family, people mellowing out and lovin' on each other the way they should all the time, celebrating love shared among friends, celebrating Jesus Christ's birth. But maybe that's what makes me feel Grinchy. People gettin' their panties in a knot about Christmas displays and religious icons and being all obnoxious at the mall and in the parking lots and acting all stupid about video game consoles and holiday sales.

LIKE IT OR NOT, PEOPLE, CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT JESUS CHRIST, so just deal with it, and shut up about the manger scene set up in the middle of town. It's HISTORY. It HAPPENED. JESUS CHRIST, and NOTHING ELSE, is the meaning of Christmas. So unbunch your panties and turn off that awful Christmas music. Global warming ain't never gonna let it snow again, so you can forget about walking in a winter wonderland!

Yeah, maybe people's ignorance (and it really is ignorance, for they are IGNORING the TRUTH) is what makes me want to stab them in the eyeballs with sharp objects. Vapid girls cooing "Santa Baby" over the radio just adds to the fury.

But I'm also Grinchy this year because I am highly, excessively, acutely depressed. Not because it's Christmas; I'm not one to be depressed by the holidays, although I am stricken by the winter doldrums as much as anyone else. No, not because it's Christmas-time ... but just because life happens and people happen and then bad things happen, and well ... what can I do? When one is balancing a wide smorgasbord of rejection, heartbreak, hopelessness and anger, one gets a wee depressed.

And so, I'm easily distracted. Thanks, Unlimited Mood, for the distraction ...

1. My uncle once: had to administer a 24-hour IV drip into my arm because I got sick during a trip to the Motherland.

2. Never in my life: have I known such pain as I am feeling now.

3. When I was five: I ran around the house with aluminum foil wrapped around my wrists pretending to be television's Wonder Woman.

4. High school is: one of my fondest memories.

5. I once met: the violinist Isaac Stern.

6. There’s this girl I know who: is really enjoyable to talk with and constantly makes me laugh.

7. Once, at a bar: I had the best cheeseburger I have ever eaten in my life.

8. Last night: I jumped up and down, waving my arms and chirping like a fool, to get a two-month-old baby to smile. Ultimately, he sort of ... smirked. A little.

9. Next time I go to church: I don't think it will be any easier.

10. When I turn my head left, I see: an architecture-inspired lamp that I really enjoy except it's hard to dust.

11. When I turn my head right: I see the matching lamp, equally hard to dust and equally enjoyable.

12. How many days until my birthday?: 315.

13. If I was a character written by Shakespeare I’d be: Katherine, from "The Taming of the Shrew." (Hey, you can't say I don't know myself or that I can't be honest with myself.)

14. By this time next year: I hope there is love between us again.

15. A better name for me would be: anything that doesn't create the natural diminutive of my real name. I really hate the current diminutive, but I have no other alternative.

16. I have a hard time understanding: how airplanes stay in the air. No, really. They tell me it's about this thing called "physics" ... but c'mon. Seriously.

17. If I ever go back to school I’ll: come out with a Ph.D. in English Literature, an L.L.M. in International Criminal Law, a Master's degree in Christian Counseling, a degree in Baking and Pastry Arts Management.

18. You know I like you if: I give you anything of me: my food, my home, my clothes, my money, etc.

19. If I won an award, the people I’d thank would be: everyone who got me there because for sure I didn't get there on my own.

20. Take my advice: there is such a thing as true love, but it ain't pretty.

21. My ideal breakfast is: A cup of coffee from MoMA and a McDonald's Sausage Egg McMuffin with Cheese ... or a bowl of miyuk-gook with rice and kimchi.

22. If you visit my hometown: you have to take a walk through the residential area downtown and check out the gorgeous old Victorians.

23. Why won’t someone: knock some sense into him and make things right again?!

24. If you spend the night at my house: truly make yourself at home. I'm not one of those people who just say that to say that.

25. I’d stop my wedding if: and only if I really had to.

26. The world could do without: this strange and inexplicable disbelief and hatred of Jesus Christ.

27. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: eat it.

28. My favorite blonde is: RM, my favorite non-Asian third-year medical student. Kobey comes in at second.

29. Paper clips are more useful than: staple-less staples.

30. If I do anything well, it is: by the grace, talents, skills, ability and intuition given by God.

31. And by the way: I'm not blind -- I believe in God and His promises, and I believe there will be a better day.

32. The last time I was high: it was on a Vicodin-based cough syrup, and I spent hours in nauseated agony. Never again.