HO HUMDINGERS . . .

I really thought I'd hear word first. I really did. This really hurts a lot more than I thought it would. And I'm not particularly confident that I can bear up under it.

***

I've been so preoccupied with my silly self that I totally didn't even realize that Yul Kwon won the most recent season of "Survivor." I don't watch the show, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate a good win by a good winner. Represent, my brother.

***

I am selfish, I know, and so when I think about the myriad reasons to have children, one of the first that pops immediately to mind is this: they entertain me.

I just think life is a touch fuller when you have a two-and-a-half-year-old toddler picking a piece of lint off your carpet and insistently asking, "Whose IS this?!"

Or when a three-year-old girl waves you over to her and makes you bend down so she can whisper in your ear, "Why don't I share my food?" And when you respond, "I don't know, but you don't," she responds back, "Why?"

Or when a little boy playing under your brunch table tugs on your finger and states very cheerfully, "There are monsters under here, so your feet have to be careful, ok?"

Or when you make a one-year-old imitate everything you do, including opening his mouth wiiiiide when it's full of food so that everything in there falls out. And then, when his mother turns around to scold him, you slink away quietly.

***

I'm going on the trip of a lifetime in less than two weeks, and I'm just not ready.

I am so clearly not ready. Yes, I have the prayers and good wishes of dozens of people around me holding me up ... but me, for myself, I'm not ready. It's really wrong how unready I am ....

It's a terrible thing: the state I'm in physically, mentally and emotionally, all I can think about is landing back at JFK Airport on the evening of January 10th, going home and sleeping. Goodness, I anticipate that if no one and nothing woke me up or needed me to be awake, I'd sleep for several days without stirring.

The prospect both thrills and frightens me.

God help me.