MERRY CHRISTMAS . . .

I am so happy right now. Joyous, even. Eh, alright, let's not stretch it. We'll put aside the joy for a moment and I'll just settle for really, really happy.

Christmas was wonderful. I had really been anxious about it, for holidays in my household lately have been fraught with all sorts of topical land mines, the biggest mine being my unmarried status. No matter how the dinner conversation starts out, it always ended up at, "so really, there's NO ONE on the horizon?" Last time The Topic came up, there was even a discussion about my soon-to-fail eggs that might not produce any children at all if I wait any longer. It got to the point where I did not want to be with my parents, and did not want to spend any time alone with my mother, my best friend, my closest confidante for my entire life. Laughter was seldom heard, relaxation was a near-impossibility.

But God was gracious to our family this year, allowing peace to flow with ease between all of us, and filling our home with the best of days past. I was brought into the house in a flurry of hearty hugs, and settled in for a late dinner around the old kitchen table. We tossed jokes back and forth before deciding in a frenzy of childishness to open our gifts on Christmas Eve instead of waiting for Christmas morning. Everyone received exactly what they wanted, for the first time ever, I think. Then we snuggled under the heaviest Korean mink blankets to watch a DVD together -- the first time we had done that in years, easily. Cheech had an early morning to rest up for, so Omma, Appa and I sat up for another couple of hours chatting, easily, even about my unmarried status. They could not have been more understanding, more loving, more committed to making an effort to put me at ease. That's not something Korean parents often put their minds to -- putting their children's hearts at ease -- but I know that's what makes my parents different from most. They are truly special.

Today, we went to see "The Pursuit of Happyness" -- enjoyed by all (and the movie theater was so crowded! I never knew folks went to the movie theaters on Christmas Day!), before returning home for naps and an early dinner. Peace and aase all around.

I'm really grateful for this Christmas. I had really been dreading it, actually, anticipating the worst of the worst, and girding myself for the deepest of hurts, five people circling each other in isolated bubbles of resentment. But no. My family proves to me that if you try hard enough and love each other enough, then understanding and grace and love come easily, and peace doesn't cover as much as it lives and breathes.

Only one darkish cloud over the past two days ... I've been wondering if the withdrawal of love is punishment. Punishment for past sins, punishment for me not being a good enough person, punishment for all of my heart's deficiencies in caring and loving and understanding others. Maybe there is something to this thing called "karma." What goes around comes around, and Lord knows I've caused plenty of isolation and meanness and rejection to go around. Maybe now it's swinging back my way, and taking from me true love.

There are those who will say otherwise. I like listening to them, because they say things like, "This is a time that God is drawing you back to Him, to refine you for something better, to prepare you both for a better result." I hope that is true. I don't dare believe it, but I hope it. And I believe they are right, even if God's "better" and my "better" are not the same thing. Surely, He knows better, doesn't He? But still, I can't help this nagging thought that I am reaping what I have sowed. And that makes me sad. It makes me long for a sort of moral time machine, where I could go back through my life and right every wrong I've committed, heal the heart of every person I've wounded, restore every broken relationship and clear up every misunderstanding. Then maybe today, I wouldn't be abandoned and left cold.

Ah, well. I have long days and nights to torture myself with these thoughts. For tonight, I dwell on Christmas and my family, whom I love and who I know loves me.

Merry Christmas, everyone. May the joy of the holiday -- that is, the miracle and undying loving sacrifice of Christ, the power of God and the mercy of the Holy Spirit -- surround and protect you, and cause you to be happy.