CATCHING UP . . .

The bad:

- major writer's block: stemming from major heart blockage of different sorts

- a cough that's been lingering for over a month, and the accompanying realization that my body doesn't bounce back the way it used to (plus the nagging hypochondriacal worry of "do I have weak lungs?")

-an increasing tendency to want to withdraw from social activities and even NHF activities: my care group hasn't seen my face in months ... (and I don't think it has noticed)

- a severely depleted bank account, NO THANKS TO THE IRS: I have to daily remind myself that I love this country, that I would never want to live anywhere else (except maybe Kremenchuk), that I am a patriot, that I believe in the system, that I believe that my money is being used for someone's good, somewhere

- a long, tortured road to recovery: of the body, the soul, the spirit, the relationship

- the loss of a dear friend's father: one of those people who remain so fondly in my memory as a trusted friend to my parents, a careful surrogate guardian to Cheech and me, an integral member of an extended family that protected all of us when we most needed protecting and nurturing

The good:

- London, baby, London! Finally, a blissful four days in a city I've been dying to visit for my entire adult life. It was WONDERFUL.

- a job interview!

- a desire to write again!

- a desire to be part of community again! (Although, the childish whiner in me says I still want it on MY terms, even while knowing that it's WRONG as well as IMPOSSIBLE.)

- hearing God's voice again! Was it His silence or my deafness? Who cares! Radio transmission is BACK ON, my friends!

- a warmer-than-usual public sector job market: I'm throwing out so many fishing lines, SOMEONE has to bite, right?

- lively and rejuvenated spirit at NHF: we're all on the same page, and it's a wonderful, not-boring, enervating thing

- restored peace, restored intimacy, and ... restored hope?

My fingers still feel stiff while typing. My mind still feels sluggish while processing thoughts and feelings. My heart still feels defensive while trying to be open with who I am. I've been hurt, isolated, withdrawn, made to withdraw, insulted, embarrassed, angry, confused, lost. But I realized, as emotional and introverted as I may be by nature, I'm also cheerful and not content to mope, sulk or seek revenge for all eternity. I'd rather have a smile on my face and joy flowing out of my heart. Hokey, but true. So it's time to turn a new leaf and just LIVE.

Besides, the sun hangs in the sky longer and the breeze flies around me warmer. It's really hard to be bitter when I'm turning my face up to be shined upon.

Listening to: it's-so-bad-it's-good 80s tunes and Michael Hedges
Reading: "Team of Rivals," by Doris Kearns Goodwin and the Gospel of John