WHEN IT RAINS . . .

I'm pouring. These are five questions from Jade Park, part of a questioning going 'round and 'round on the InterWebs. You want to be asked and you want to answer? Read on and follow the instructions at the bottom ...

1. If you could live anyplace in the world, where would it be, and why?

I would live in two places: first, I would live exactly where I'm living now (in terms of town, not necessarily this structure). My family, my friends, my church are all here, and they are the most important things in my sphere. My town is small but not too small, hip but not too hip, cute but not too cute, quiet but not too quiet. A 43-minute train ride takes me into Manhattan if I want something bigger, louder, open later. Yes, I'm afraid of change, so I wouldn't want to move to somewhere too different (or far away from all with which I am familiar) anyway. But I also strongly believe in being placed in particular places for a particular reason or reasons. I'm here now, and I love it, and I am increasingly looking forward to discovering what my purpose for being here is.

But I would also love to have a house -- a very small, tiny, simple one -- on Block Island. The peace, contentment, quiet, wonder and feelings of discovery I experienced there are intriguingly different than the peace, contentment, quiet, wonder and discovery that I also feel here at home. I suppose it's cliche to say this sort of thing now, but I love the simplicity of life on the Island. And of course, there's nothing better, for me, than to look all around me and see endless horizon. It makes me feel pleasurably small.

2. Describe a perfect day.

Working: Wake up alert and at peace. Put on a hot-sh*t outfit with shoes that are comfortable but also slightly clackety. Commute to some good tunes on my teeny-tiny Shuffle. Hearty coffee and a bowl of oatmeal. A productive day, focused, collaborative, helpful, purposeful, filled with kindness and laughs and accomplishment. Smooth commute back, napping slightly due to content exhaustion. A quick workout with no loud grunters around. A "we should try something different but we always get the same things" dinner out. Fruit and coffee back at home. Catching up on our shows, or just spending some quiet time reading and telling stories. Falling asleep, penguin-style.

Not working: Take time waking up, coming alert with more stories and "I had the craziest dream last night" anecdotes. Hearty omelettes that I can never reproduce on my own and compliments on making the best coffee ever. Walk in Rockefeller State Park, packed with conversation ranging from fluffily frivolous to weepingly serious. A stop at the Apple Store. (Really.) Reading, writing and silly magazine browsing at a local bookstore. Dinner in, sitting on the floor in front of the television, starting a marathon viewing of accumulated "Lost" episodes. Massages, music and falling asleep, penguin-style.

3. You have been on a journey towards personal fulfillment, and you have been detailing that, to some extent, on your blog. What, if anything, was the catalyst (or precipitating event) for this journey? Describe.

I'm growing up, plain and simple. And in growing up, progressing along in age, I'm trying to figure out how to take the rest of me -- my mind, heart, spirit, soul -- along.

For example, when I was younger, I was a huge hot-head. I never acted so much as I reacted. I would speak before I thought, judge before I knew, pontificate before I learned, preach before I discovered. I took and took, and hardly ever gave intellectually or emotionally, although the people-pleaser in me tricked folks into thinking I was generous, I really wasn't.

The past several years have been one long, protracted process of learning and accepting and accurately portraying the truth of who I am, of deciding to ACT rather than REACT. Why do children dying of AIDS in Africa really hurt my heart? What do I really think of the death penalty and abortion? Am I really being generous because I love people (or am trying to love people) or because I want them to like me and think nice things of me? Am I really living my life in a manner that is honouring to Jesus Christ, or am I fraud not just to people but to Him? Am I really a patriot? Do I really say what I mean and mean what I say, or am I full of it? How do I really tackle hard times? How do I really accept criticism and correction, whether spoken constructively or not? Am I really trying to be humble and put others before myself? Am I really pursuing justice and the increase of God's kingdom of peace and salvation?

As things around me change, I change. Most of my friends are married and have children; I don't. This changes me. Most of my friends are Christians, attending my church and intimately tied to my everyday life. This changes me. One of my closest friends has no fear about holding me accountable and pressing me up against the wall when I'm doing wrong, but then forgiving me without condition and holding me close so that I don't shatter. This changes me. My parents are getting older and I am seeing that one day, whether I'm married or not, I will have to take care of them. This changes me. I'm not in the employment situation I thought I'd be in by now, and I'm wondering if this is God's way of leading me to something different, something I've never imagined. This changes me. I have learned how to love deeply and selflessly, to want to spend my life with someone until death. This changes me. I have learned, slowly, how to be a good friend to some people in my life (still not so good with other people in my life), and they have reciprocated with so much grace and power and friendship in return. This changes me. I have been hurt and cast aside and left out and forgotten. This changes me. Growing through these changes necessitates me knowing myself, my identity, who I am and who I was created to be.

And so I guess this leads me to the ultimate catalyst: God. I just want to know Him better. I've been a Christian since I was 9 years old, and I consider this a miracle and a huge, HUGE grace, because I think I was spared a lot of heartache, troubles, hard times, pitfalls, damaging experiences. I know I'm lucky; I really, really know it. At the same time, I was telling a friend last night: I sort of wish I had become a Christian later in life. You know, after I had been through all those hard things. I feel like those people I know who became believers later in their lives, maybe teenage years and on, have a better understanding and appreciation of God's grace, sovereignty, the true meaning of salvation. They aren't spoiled by what I would view as relatively smooth sailing. They are more hard-pressed to take God for granted. Me, I take God for granted all the time, and it wasn't until last year, 2006, that I, for the first time, failed to hear the voice of God in my ears and in my heart. I don't believe He turned away from me -- I don't believe that God does that, not so coldly, anyway -- but I was made deaf to Him for a purpose. And now, having my ears attuned to Him again, having my heart being restored to him again, I don't think I'll ever take Him for granted either.

That was hard times, thinking that God had turned away from me. Even knowing theologially and intellectually that it could not be true and that that time, too, would pass, it was still really hard. I have a new appreciation for those who swim out of depression. But those growing pains, growing in my faith as well, changed me, too. I know what I could be missing, and I don't ever want to miss it again. I have resolved so many things for the rest of my life and the rest of my growth: read the Bible more so that I can know the One I believe in; be kinder to people even if they are not kind to me; think upon good and hopeful and helpful things; BE a helpful person; learn to be humble and receive correction; trust and believe God; pray more; care more about the world, with purpose and knowledge; be a good steward of my finances; go green -- take care of His Earth!; listen more, talk less; facilitate the growth of other people and be an encouragement to them; develop my skills, take care of my body and mind; the list goes on and on and on, as it rightly should.

4. I noticed that sometimes weeks go by without a blog post, and other times, you blog almost everyday. This makes me curious–what drives you to blog? What makes something blog-worthy? And what factors keep you from posting on your blog?

Ha-ha-, these questions make me laugh at myself and the foolishness that I am sometimes. The easiest question to answer is the last: I don't blog about things that will betray confidences, unless I ask permission first. I don't blog about personal things when I don't want people who are not my most trusted friends knowing about them. I also can't blog when I'm truly, deeply hurt, sad, depressed. Even the anonymity of the InterWebs does not feel safe to me, and written words are oft-misunderstood. When I need real comfort, counseling, advice, sympathy -- above and beyond that which would follow a mere venting or crying session -- I put down my computer and turn myself into a friend's hug.

(On the other hand, sometimes I blog and drop hints to get people off my back, to wickedly pique curiosity that I know I won't satisfy (this doesn't exactly fall in line with my "be kind to people" resolution, does it?), or -- on a less devious note -- just to get a happiness or bitterness off my chest that I know I can't let out fully but can't completely hold in either.)

Blogging is a weird thing. So much of it is driven by ego: I think I have something worth saying, and I think that someone, somewhere, surely must agree that I have something worth saying! I think my story about driving over a hotdog in the middle of the story is funny enough to tell. I think my list of favorite books or foods is interesting enough to set forth. I think my opinion matters. But for me, my ego is matched by curiosity and a desire for community (not in a creepy "I have no friends in real life so let me just 'get to know' people online that I'll never have to meet in person" way): if you love the same books and foods, that's fantastic! You disagree with me about the death penalty? Let's dialogue. You think I'm a raging right-wing conservative Christian? I think you're wrong, so let's talk about it. You too have been through hard times and massive growing pains? Please tell me how you got through it.

Lots of things are blog-worthy. Sometimes, I just want to tell someone something, but they're not home, so I post it online just to tell SOMEbody. Sometimes, I want to be part of the already-existing debate. Sometimes, I'm letting you know how quirky and weird I am, paying attention to things others may not care about (like my weird obsession with all things Mac). And other times, I just want to write stuff down, and I type faster than I write, so there.

The funny thing about timing: I do a lot of my best thinking in the shower and in bed, trying to fall asleep at night. When the shower is done, or when I've woken up in the morning, often I've forgotten what I wanted to say, what I wanted to blog, or I've lost the particular nuance of how I wanted to say and write it. Hmmm, my brain used to not be such a sieve ... in any event, if I can hold onto it, I type it. If I'm emotionally stable and feeling able to deal with being vulnerable, I type it. If I don't have to throw up walls of defensiveness and self-protection, I type it. If I'm not feeling lazy, I type it.

Otherwise, I just take a breather and wait.

5. What is the most fulfilling thing about being a lawyer? Why? And what is the least fulfilling? Why?

I like being in-the-know. I HATE not knowing things. And something about the legal field appeases this in me. As a lawyer, I have to keep up with the latest legal trends, current developments, new case law, expansions on old case law. And everything about the law translates into everyday life. My rights as a human being, a woman, a minority; my obligations as a daughter, a driver, a homeowner; my participation in a gym, a church, a legal community, a condo board. I can't escape the law and it can't escape me because I want to know and I have to know and I love to know. Being a lawyer helps me to KNOW.

But above this purely selfish motivation, I love being a lawyer because I have the power to do things to help people that not everyone has. I used to look at teachers, doctors, nurses and the like, and be SO envious that they could impact people so directly and be a mainline to healing, development, growth, learning, maturing, impact-ful assistance. I've come to a place where I see myself similarly. I have a great responsibility to uphold the Constitution, to protect rights, to advocate on behalf of others, to DO JUSTICE. That is a huge thing to me, something that still brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart swell and soar as it often does when I hear the national anthem: DO JUSTICE. Not everyone can do that; I can. That is fully filling for me.

The least fulfilling thing is that doing justice is hard. It's an irony really, to be called to do justice within a framework and system that isn't always just. I think the ideals are still there, and I think idealistic people still exist. But it's hard. For me, finding a job where I can really make the impact I dream of making has proven exceedingly difficult. And even if I were to get there, I might still encounter reluctant clients, corrupt judges, surly court staff, limited resources, obnoxious colleagues, evolving law that doesn't go in my client's favor. It's easy for me to pinpoint all the ways that I could be discouraged in my vocation.

But even the least fulfilling things can be redeemed, I think. I'm not just a lawyer, I'm a Christian lawyer. The law prohibits me from bringing the two together in certain ways. But the law does not prohibit me from praying over my work and for my day, caring about my clients, making an effort to be kind to those around me, working cheerfully and without complaining, and being thankful that I'm alive and able and skilled enough to make ANY of these efforts in my work life.

I knew since middle school that I would be a lawyer (or an astronaut, but as far as I know, my application to Space Camp is still pending). That conviction hasn't really changed, so it's hard to see my current status -- having achieved lawyer-hood -- as anything less than fulfilling.

***

Now keep it going!

1. Leave me a comment saying, “I too am an egomaniac.”
2. I respond by asking you five questions. You will answer them, because you like talking about yourself.
3. You will update your blog
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.