Thursday, August 23


My conscience has been needled.

Several months ago, I was complaining and bemoaning a particular condition, a "state of things" that I disagreed with. This "state of things" prevented me from being a part of a community I had once been intimately tied into, and I spent a long time stewing in deep anger, resentment, and self-imposed loneliness. I finally worked and prayed through it, and I think God really did change my vision and my heart about the "state of things." By the start of this summer, I made my way back into the community I so longed for, and although I wasn't totally happy about the continuing "state of things," I just accepted it and trusted that God would bring me around, even despite myself.

Just about two weeks ago, I discovered that a miracle had occurred. The "state of things" didn't bother me anymore. In fact, when the "state of things" didn't exist temporarily, I even sort of missed it. And just the other day, the "state of things" made me really happy, and I was happy that my home was the place where the "state of things" could exist in peace and care.

And then today ... I embarked on a new adventure that has the side effect of eliminating the "state of things" completely from my life and from the community. I will likely never experience or be in the vicinity of the "state of things" again. I feel just terrible. Some would say that this is God dealing with the "state of things" once and for all, leading the rest of the community to focus on some other important things it needs to focus on right now. But I would say that I still feel badly. As if all my months of complaining and bemoaning struck a chord in the Lord's heart, exasperating Him to the point of saying, "FINE. You hate this 'state of things'? I'll just remove it from you. NOW, how do you feel?"

I know the Lord wouldn't do that, be exasperated with me and act out His will so crudely and make me feel this wretched. Nevertheless, my answer is: "I feel guilty."

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