DON'T BOP MY SAUSAGE . . .

I just got done telling JW that I had nothing to write about, and I still don't, so I'll present something that someone else wrote . . . although it's so damn funny, I wish I had written it. Ladies and gentlemen, the best opening paragraph of any news story ever, with kudos to the Associated Press:

"In a bizarre scene during a popular mascot race at Milwaukee Brewers games, Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Randall Simon bopped a woman dressed as a huge Italian sausage with a bat and was booked for misdemeanor battery."

And the madness continues:
"It happened during Wednesday's human sausage races, when four people dressed as an oversized bratwurst, hot dog and Italian and Pollish sausages were racing past the Pirates' dugout. As they jogged by, Simon swatted the Italian sausage mascot, who fell. The giant hot dog stumbled over the sausage and also tumbled to the ground. . . "

The understatement of the day:
"'It was very strange,' Pirates outfielder Reggie Sanders said."

Two-snaps-in-a-circle to the writer who dared to use the following words and phrases in his or her story, and the editor who let them stay in:
"bopped"
"huge Italian sausage"
"human sausage races"
"the giant hot dog stumbled over the sausage"

Sigh. They don't write legal briefs like this, that's for sure . . .