IT'S DECEMBER WHAT?!?!?! . . .

When did July end, and why is it now only 23 days until Christmas?

While I was off gallivanting about town, going on hikes and non-sailing sailing trips, fervently attending baseball games, being kidnapped for ice cream, flying off to L.A., spending long nights and early mornings with the best of friends doing the funnest things in the world, autumn ended, I digested the turkey, we had our first snowfall, and now I have to buy Christmas presents.

It should be sooo easy. I only have to consider a few family members, a couple of kids, a handful of babies, a small bunch of friends and three coworkers. Simple, right? But noooo, it's never so simple. Because, you see, instead of being observant year-round of each giftee's every comment, every wish, every longing, every long pause by a store window, every expression of "I want," every repeated color or pattern in their wardrobe, I was ... well, I was doing all those things I said I was doing before I realized it was only 23 days until Christmas! And now, my weak powers of observation are kicking me in the butt.

I, like most people, want to give meaningful gifts to those I love. Sure, if you tell me you really need a pair of white tube socks, I will be MORE than happy to give them to you, but barring such an expressed desire, I like to be the giver of gifts of significance, something I can share with the receiver, something that binds us together in friendship or love, something that he or she will look upon or use or read or eat and think of me and our relationship fondly. Something like the Snoopy mousepad I received from Hooch that still makes me crack up everytime I look at it; or the annual dinner the ladies at NHF and I indulge in for hours of drinking, eating, laughing and sharing sex advice ... I mean, household cleaning tips; or the ceramic blue pig C gave me that is waaaay cuter than the blue pig I slapped -- errr, painted -- on his kids' nursery wall (it came out looking kind of Asian, but hey, that's me); or the Tiffany necklace I wear around my neck 24/7 since the moment my parents placed it in my hands.

I'm not concerned with cost. I will eat ramen noodles for the next 17 months if that's how long it takes for me to pay off a worthy gift. Or I will pour my whole heart into the inscription I pen into the front flap of a $10 novel before wrapping it up and handing it over. Or I will speak words of love and happiness to a batch of homemade cookies as they cool, then pat them gently in their containers knowing they will be gulped down appreciatively. No, cost doesn't matter and cost doesn't stress me out.

But I'm stressed out anyway!!! This year, in particular, I am stressed out for three reasons. First, time has flown and now I have no time. That is bad, even by Internet mail-order standards. My personality must be changing because I'm usually first or early for everything: free food samples, doctor's appointments, oil changes, completion of Christmas shopping. This year, I have not been the typical type-A nerd I have been in the past. What does this mean?! Who am I?! But before I delve into the wonders of my ever-changing cosmic makeup ... Second, because I have edited and edited and edited and pared down my Christmas list to the people I REALLY want to give to, the pressure is truly on to give truly amazing gifts to these few. I know THEY don't think this. But I do, and it's bugging me. Third, for some people, I feel a bizarre pressure to find THE most unique gifts in the world. So unique, in fact, that those who are not myself or the giftee will not know of the gift's significance, or even of the gift's existence. Where does such a thing exist? Can someone tell me? Rather, it's getting late, so can someone just tell me where I can order it from?!

So. Let the madness begin. I have mere days to delve into the dark depths of my ever-flagging memory to try to recall the special moments I have shared with people; to try to divine, using some weird little magic power hidden deep within me (and which I don't know about yet), what would make my beloveds the happiest, what would warm their hearts the most, what would make them never forget the times we shared together, what would emphasize for them my love and affection and devotion to the relationship, what they could actually use, what they would actually read, what would cause them to laugh, what would keep their interest, what would have them look fondly upon us.

And I'm telling you right now: amazon.com doesn't have it.