SHEEP SAY BAAAA . . .

Speaking of sheep, which reminds me of sheep bloat: my stomach has been so weird lately.

Back to sheep. Sheep rhymes with sleep, but who needs sleep? Given the pattern of my nights, sleep seems to be much overrated in this world. Who needs sleep when you have a pile of books to read, darkened windows to stare out of, imagined shadows to follow, small thoughts to magnify into humongous mental dramas?

I'll tell you who needs sleep. I need sleep. I need sleep so bad, it hurts.

***

WEIGHTED . . .

So much inertia. I am a block of inertia. (Can one be a block of inertia, or is inertia actually the force that would move or not move the block? High school science seems so long ago ...)

Tonight, unlike most Sunday nights, I want the weekend to be OVER. O-VER.

No more sickness. No more sleeplessness. No more difficult thoughts to parse through. No more guilt to weigh. No more burdens to carry. No more worries to worry. No more grating voices to tolerate. No more hiding behind flippancy and sarcasm and the coolness of not caring. No more waiting for the right time. No more blaming somebody else, just to have someone to blame. No more regretting. No more snapping and ignoring and turning away. No more wishing and hoping and longing for the impossible (or even the improbable). No more wasting time. No more coy games. No more replaying history and creating "what if" conversations that will never come to fruition. No more playing forward conversations I wish would happen and intimacies I wish would develop. No more faking the smile. No more holding up the head on a neck too weary to be stable. No more losing focus and looking up to see that the moment has passed. No more pridefulness. No more of any of this bullsh*t.

I want the week to start and my inertia block or whatever it is to fall away. I want to be rejuvenated and focused at work. I want to be a good friend to those I love, and at least loving towards those I don't. I want to have hard conversations that will build us both up. I want to be honest without crying like a big baby. I want to be heard without being judged. I want to actually be IN the sunlight and not just stare at it through a window, or even worse, exit into the impending darkness. I want to give love without being questioned. I want to find love without hiding. I want to be happy for people without detracting from my own happiness. I want to feel joy even when I'm prostrate on the ground. I want to be healthy and strong. I want to be free of worry and anxiety and the stupidity of trying to exercise control over things I can't even put a leash on. I want to forget the weekend and everything preceding it, and start anew, putting on new lenses and new armor, pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside.

Thank God it's Monday.