WANTING IT ALL . . .

The human condition -- what an insanely crazy thing. One day, I'm sitting here wanting "it" all, and wondering when "it" is all going to fall into my lap (if ever, although the optimist and faithful in me insists "it" will). The next day, when all the "it"'s start dropping from the sky, all I want to do is grab a huge golf umbrella, preferably made of aircraft-grade aluminum, and hold it over my head until the deluge stops.

I have a job interview next Friday, at the Women's Justice Center. If I do well, if I pass all the stages, if I decide that this is a position I would want to take for the two years that it is federally funded, then I'd be embarking on a totally new road. Where once I thought I'd be a litigator, I'd be going the road of advocacy -- something I've always said I would remain open to. I'd be committing myself to my physical community -- something I've always said I would do -- and I'd be establishing myself in a very particular world, a very particular segment of the legal world. I'd be helping people -- something I've always said I wanted to do. I'd be working with a team of very dedicated and singularly-minded folks -- something I've always said I valued in a workplace environment. I feel like my character, my words, my professed commitments are being tested. Do I stick to my guns (and a potential $30,000 pay-cut)? Stay tuned ...

While thinking about this new road upon which I might embark, it's interesting to think back over the last few years, where I've been since graduating with what is essentially a vocational degree, the work I've done, any impact I've made (if at all) in the lives of the people around me, the cases that I dealt with. I was incredibly blessed and I know it still. The work was always interesting, if aggravating at times. The people I worked with were vastly easy to love and care for. To live my faith in the workplace was never an issue, for I was surrounded by understanding, openness, curiosity and a commitment to diversity. Where I go from now ... the unknown is, actually, scary. I can pray and hope that the people I will work with in the future will be just as lovable and just as open to accepting who I am and Who I believe, that the cases will be as interesting and thought-provoking, that my time will be valued and I will be able to live my life. But if these things don't come to fruition, then what? Then what will come of my beliefs, the things I stand for, my personality?

And then ... I had lunch with an interesting lady the other day. We talked about all sorts of things, including the role of Christians in the workplace, in the marketplace, in the "real world." We talked about singleness and marriage and why both are great and why both suck. We talked about friends we have in common and why they are great. And then ... and then, I had a most unique experience. I felt like she spoke into my life, spoke truth into my heart, without even saying so outright. The questions she was asking me about myself, the stories she was telling me about herself ... so innocuous on the surface, but so deep and thought-provoking and heart-pulling just below that. I haven't been able to stop thinking and ruminating and crying and wrestling and laughing since ...

And then ... I discovered that two of the top guys from IJM will be teaching a short course at Regent College this summer. What I would give to take this course (and a handful of others that are just too, too tantalizing to pass up without a fight) ... Do I seek employment now, knowing that I probably won't have the luxury of taking a week's vacation this summer? Or do I live in poverty for a touch longer, just so I can indulge myself in Vancouver for a couple of weeks? (And speaking of travel, do I kidnap Charlie and make her go to London with me this summer, too?)

And then ... I spent a late night and an early morning with a good friend. Every time I thank him for kindness, or patience, or understanding, or generosity, or wise words, his response is the same: "it's not like that." Like what? And what is it like, then? There are things I am constantly learning about friendship, about friendship between two people who profess to place Christ and all of the ensuing grace and mercy and compassion and care in their midst. What does it mean for there to be unconditional love between two fallible individuals? What does it mean for politeness and forbearance to have no place in a friendship, and for every care that flows out to be a natural outpouring of the heart, instead of what norms demand? What does it mean for one to never get sick of the other, and for one to be able to receive from the other words that are always purported to be spoken in truth and clarity?

I have a quiet week coming up. Only two places I need to be: C.o.S.'s townhouse in Newton and Ems's apartment in Jamaica Plain. Then home to an uncharacteristically still home to end off a week that will be off the normal routine. That's fine ... I need time and space to think, anyway.