TO NOT BE TIRED . . .

Although I am 100% introverted, people don't usually exhaust me, not in a bad way. Sure, after a particularly social weekend, I feel the need to rejuvenate in silence, but it's never a bitter feeling -- I just view it as gearing up for spending more time with friends and family later on. Once in a while, however, people do exhaust me, in a bad way, and it takes every ounce of energy in me to fight the urge to become bitter and unforgiving, to give up on people and refuse to give them a second (or greater) chance.

I find that I'm most exhausted when I rely upon the words of someone, but then realize that when I act upon my reliance, the person didn't mean the words in the first place. They behave badly and ask for forgiveness and express thanks for anticipated grace, but then when an actual face-to-face moment comes, they behave just as badly as before. There is unexplained huffiness, a refusal to look me in the eye, a pointed distinction between the cheeriness shown to others and the sullenness shown to me. It's juvenile, actually, and reminds me increasingly of how spoiled brats behave when they don't get their way. I don't mind being caring and forgiving (although admittedly, the latter is very, very difficult for me) ... I do mind coddling someone who is out of diapers and is allegedly on their way to becoming a self-sufficient and productive member of society.

I guess I'm annoyed at the bad behaviour and the immaturity. After all, if you're going to talk about growing and maturing and learning how to behave better and love people better, then I feel you should at least TRY, and not complacently rely on people taking care of you and accepting your badness as it is -- that's just not fair AND it's false. And yes, I'm annoyed that people think they can do this -- perpetuate a cycle of apologizing and RECEIVING forgiveness, then taking it and running without giving effort to change in return. As it is, I'm starting to feel like the forgiveness is being forced out of me, because really, am I really going to say "no?" But I'm most annoyed -- hurt -- because I feel taken advantage of. People -- this person -- think (or know?) that they can treat me badly, manipulate me as a crying baby manipulates her mother, and still get hugs and care in return. But even babies realize that there comes a time when they don't need to cry so much, and they can start to take care of themselves. I don't know what adults' excuses are.

I have lost count of how many times we have gone through this cycle. "Are you mad at me? I'm so sorry if I did something to hurt you. I love you and think you're great, so please forgive me." "Of course I forgive you, and no, I'm not mad at you, and we're fine." And then ... the silent treatment. The huffing and puffing. The giving of short, curt answers to leading and inviting questions, asked in an effort to warm the path. The turning of the cold shoulder. The 'I'm going to laugh and joke with the person standing right next to you, but I will ignore you completely' behavior. It's like middle school ... except we're all about twenty years older and should know better. I'm sick of it; I'm sick of people like this.

I have grown a lot in the last year. I feel like I make a special effort on a daily basis to examine the bad things in me, and to correct them. I try to make eye contact with the person I would rather avoid. I try to truly forgive the person I would rather hold a grudge against. I try to smile when I would rather be grumpy and sulk in the corner. I try to be straightforward, and less passive-aggressive. I try to be sensitive to the needs and hearts of others when I would rather ask for sensitivity to myself first. I am nowhere near complete success in any of these things, or in any other aspect of my self that I'm trying to change for the better. But I give myself credit for trying. And I, for better or worse, wisely or not, expect the same of others. And I am continually disappointed by the unwillingess of some to grow and be stretched, and to let go of themselves and their own needs and to be humbled before people around them. I don't know how much more leeway I can give to such people; my patience is wearing thin.

I guess the power is in remembering myself. I am wretched, and mean, and selfish, and proud, and moody, and needy. I am so many more awful things than even that awful list contains. But I am covered by grace. I need to tap into that grace more and more, I guess, and instead of feeling anger against people, I should learn to feel pity for them, so that my heart is moved by compassion instead of bitterness.

Still. I can't help growling inside, and having fantastical visions of the can of whup-ass I would unleash upon people, -- this person -- if I could. A big loud "GROW UP AND GET OVER YOURSELF, WOULD YOU?" would suffice, I think.

Has anyone else been in this forgiveness doormat situation? What is one to do?