NEWS ALERT . . .

The world ain't perfect. Oy, it breaks my heart and tires me out.

Shrub cursed into the microphone, in that dumb voice of his. What a ... grrrr. After watching the news clip on the Internet, we just dissolved into gales of laughter, rolling around on the floor. Not because he's a funny guy. It was too tragic; we didn't know what else to do.

14,000 Iraqis died so far in 2006, because of the "conflict." Conflict. What a dumb word to describe a completely not dumb thing. Me wanting Italian and you wanting Japanese for dinner -- that's a conflict.

Another tsunami and hundreds dead in Indonesia. Some people just don't get a break. I hate when I find myself in the position of asking God, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?" I'm not being faithless; I know where my heart is. I'm just ... not understanding fully.

And I'm with Mabel -- so many people who don't know What they're missing, and don't take the time or care to try to find out. I don't understand how one can say "I need more" or "I need my life to change" or "I want to make things right" or "I want my life to be right" or even "I need God" ... then not do anything about it. It's not like saying "I want a manicure" but then failing to make time for your fingernails. Ignoring one's own soul and heart-yearnings ... it seems like such deadening, draining, life-ebbing effort. And don't even get me started on the people who don't even KNOW that they're missing something ... this past few months has felt like one-step-forward-two-steps-back, and I don't know quite what to do about the folks who are dragging me under with them. When can I kick the crutches out from under them? When can I step away and just leave them in the hands of God via prayer? Or do I have to, must I, am I called to, hold them up always?

Grey areas. I like them ... but not all the time.

My heart is so unsettled today, and I hate going into a care group night this way; Tuesdays are hard enough already. I have so many preconceived notions about how this evening will progress ... I hope to be proven false, but I also wonder if I'll sabotage myself and not allow God's grace to work around and in me. I try to be on my guard about these things ... but as prickly as I'm feeling today ... I wonder if a porcupine spine will shoot out of my back and stab someone in the eyeball.