KATRINA AND THE WAVES . . .

One year later, the work continues.

So does our care.

So many things to never forget ... don't worry; we won't.

GUESS WHAT I AM . . .

I'm a freelancer.

Oh yeah. I always thought it was sort of glamorous when people said they were "freelancing." It sounds so ... independent. Adventurous. Mysterious. Beautiful. Free and clear with the wind blowing through your hair.

Of course, all those people I read and heard of were freelance PHOTOGRAPHERS, or freelance WRITERS, or freelance JOURNALISTS, or freelance SPIES. Still, the allure of the word still holds for me ... even if all I'm doing is helping a friend out with some legal stuff.

Oh yeah. I'm a FREELANCE ATTORNEY. Love it.

***

BRAINPOWER . . .

It is nice, thought, to use my brain in this way again. Not that I didn't enjoy coordinating large events and parties, or co-leading a Missions/Outreach Team at church all year, or helping Mabel lead the women's Bible study this summer, or any of the myriad random other things I have been doing with my time. But it's just different. This is, for better or worse, what I was created and trained to do. It's wonderful to feel that I'm fulfilling my destiny.

Of course, I'm plagued by self-doubt, as always. (What is it in me, or in any of us, that so prevents us from being satisfied with our skills and intelligence and training, and confident in how we use them?) It has been so long since I've researched, analyzed, critiqued, written, persuaded. I don't want to let my friend down with my FREELANCE WORK ... and God knows, I don't want to wake up the day after I hand it in realizing I'm not as sharp as I thought I was.

***

CLEANING HOUSE . . .

I can't clean my heart out, so I cleaned my house instead.

Well, not my whole house. The living room is still a shambles, and the kitchen ... I just don't know how I accumulate so much stuff in the kitchen. But my office ... it's getting there. It's only slightly neater than it was yesterday, only a tiny bit more organized, but I sincerely believe that every little bit counts.

I did have a moment, though, where I opened up my office closet, looked at the collection of stuff inside and thought, "it's going to take me a lifetime to go through this." So ... I closed the door and left it for another day. Basically, I need a dumpster outside my office window, into which I can just chuck things willy-nilly. I can be so lazy that the mere thought of having to CARRY garbage to the garbage can outside can deter me from cleaning.

For now, it's enough that my files are filed, and my papers are in their rightful place.

(Incidentally ... my heart is still not clean. I wish the Container Store had something for that which I am enduring ...)

***

FAST FORWARD . . .

You'll never hear me say this again, I'm sure ... but with Sunday seemingly impossible to handle ... I wish it was Monday already.

NO ORIGINAL THOUGHTS . . .

It's been hard to have any lately. Lots going on; simultaneously, nothing going on. Could I feel more schizophrenic? (And how do I know I'm not?)

***

Dr.G says I'm perfectly fine -- the blood does not lie! -- but that still doesn't explain the chronic joint pain, the fitful sleep (if any at all), and more recently, the bloody noses. Is this simply what it is to get older, even by a day, a week, a month, a year? Is this the body's way of simply shutting down, minute by minute? I'm not completely dismayed; I'm just sort of amazed at the circle of life -- that it begins, it goes, and then it ends, all in its own perfect rhythm. It's so perfect and beautiful, in a way, that it convinces me more and more of God's sovereignty each day. Even as I wipe my nose again.

***

B didn't write or call. Am I surprised? Neither did I.

***

I will be making some extra cash in the next few days. This is a VERY VERY GOOD thing. I've been wise so far, but the pinch is on. I'm surprised though ... I always thought I was the poor one in the gang. But Oprah is right -- there is no more middle class. We are ALL poor. Yikes.

Whether we are single, married, married with kids, whatever ... the money crunch is always on. Omma always told me that the number one reason couples fight is money. I believe it now. I can see how stressful it can be -- having to put food on the table for your family (or for yourself), having to put gas in your car, having to pay the bills, wanting to spend time with your friends but wondering "are we really going to order bad pizza again and pay $7 a person for it?!" That sucks.

So the new resolve is on. I will (and must) be wiser about my cash flow; and I will (and must) help my friends be the same. (And is it terrible of me that I don't feel so bad and down-in-the-dumps about being the poor friend anymore? I don't want to MAKE people join me in my faux misery ... but it is sort of nice not being there alone.)

***

It was really dark when I came out into the living room this morning -- low clouds blanketed the sky. It felt so cozy; I sat with my coffee and stared out at the dark grey out-of-doors. But then, it started pouring like mad, and the sky lightened up. Now, I sit in a cottony haze of light grey, and my eyes almost sting from the brightness of the rainy sky. Cool.

***

What have I been learning lately, for one must always be learning something, I think .... Patience. Prayer. Receiving wisdom and truth. Receiving concern. Letting people take care of me. Focus. Who I am vs. who I must be. Obedience. Trust for today, faith for tomorrow. Decision-making. Personal resolve. Why being proud is not always good. That I am not always right. That God is strong, powerful, gentle, loving beyond imagination, purposeful, kind, merciful, and that He speaks loudly.

***

I feel like I've done this one a million times over, but it's still mildly entertaining ...

1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES?
White.

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Freakonomics, by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner. Madam Secretary, by Madeleine Albright is on deck.

3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
No mouse pad; just a PowerBook G4 trackpad for me, thanks.

4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Scrabble.

5. FAVORITE MAGAZINES?
Real Simple; People; SELF.

6. FAVORITE SMELL
Coffee in the morning; fresh clean B; kimchi jigae.

7. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP?
God; B; the weather outside.

8. FAVORITE COLOR?
To look at: red and orange.
To wear: brown and pink.

9. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR?
I don't like to look at royal blue, and I don't think I look that great in yellow.

10. HOW MANY RINGS DOES IT TAKE BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
Do I ever answer the phone? What the heck is voicemail for?

11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
Oh no, I ain't telling because (1) I don't want to jinx myself into NOT having children; and (2) I don't want tensions to arise from a potential name-steal.

12. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?
That which is hardest: to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul and mind, and to love my neighbour above myself.

13. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Neither.

14. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
Yes.

15. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
No.

16. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY?
Cool, particularly when there's lots of thunder and wind. Tornados, on the other hand ... VERY VERY SCARY.

17. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
Seriously? My mom's silver Cadillac DeVille. OH YEAH.

18. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE?
My paternal grandfather.

19. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
I don't drink so much anymore, but if I had to fall back on a good ol' standby, I'd say ... Black Russian.

20. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN & YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Scorpio. (That explains everything, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, I know.)

21. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
It's the best part!

22. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I can't possibly narrow my desires down! Professor of English Literature at Columbia University; federal prosecutor for the Southern District of New York; high school English teacher; events coordinator for an organization like World Vision; an international legal consultant for an organization like International Justice Mission; super-with-it-and-hip mother and wife ...

23. YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Dark brown with two very thick and wiry strands of white.

24. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
Oh yes.

25. FAVORITE MOVIE?
(Why do they ask me to choose just one?) If I must ... and I say this as the titles of all my other favorite movies flit across my mind's eye ... I'll go with "The Sound of Music."

26. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
Mostly, but I am realizing that I rarely use my pinkies. Poor neglected things.

27. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
Nuthin'.

28. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
Yankee baseball live. Yankee baseball on television.

29. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR?
That I will die with nothing to show for my life, and nothing to show for God.

30. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS?
I lifted it from Aunt Murry, whom I don't really know, but I hear she has kind things to say to TinyCricket, which makes her grade-A in my book.

31. FAVORITE CD?
What the heck is a CD? My favorite iTunes playlist is my "P&W Jams."

32. FAVORITE TV SHOW?
"Lost."

33. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD?
Ketchup for hamburgers, fries, eggs and Korean fried rice. Mustard for hot dogs and pretzels.

34. HAMBURGERS OR HOT-DOGS?
Definitely both.

35. FAVORITE SOFT DRINK
I don't usually drink a lot of soda, but 7-UP always makes me feel refreshed and nostalgic for my childhood, and it goes with everything.

36. BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN?
Nyack State Park & Beach with B; Block Island with the LOLs; Yankee games with Cheech; and most recently, Ithaca with the gang.

37. PJs OR NIGHTGOWN?
Errr ... I choose not to answer this question.

38. FAVORITE COMIC STRIP?
I don't read comics anymore, but I had a real faithful Calvin & Hobbes phase back in the day.

MEME ME MORE . . .

Thanks, Unlimited Mood for the list ... (instructions: highlight somehow -- bold, italics, capital letters -- what you have done) ...

I HAVE ...
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN (A SMALL ONE)
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. SAID "I LOVE YOU" AND MEANT IT
09. HUGGED A TREE
10. Bungee-jumped
11. VISITED PARIS
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. STAYED UP ALL NIGHT LONG AND SAW THE SUN RISE (TOO MANY TIMES TO COUNT)
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. GONE TO A HUGE SPORTS GAME
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten my own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. SLEPT UNDER THE STARS
20. CHANGED A BABY'S DIAPER
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. WATCHED A METEOR SHOWER
23. GOTTEN DRUNK ON CHAMPAGNE
24. GIVEN MORE THAN I CAN AFFORD TO CHARITY
25. LOOKED UP AT THE NIGHT SKY THROUGH A TELESCOPE
26. HAD AN UNCONTROLLABLE GIGGLING FIT AT THE WORST POSSIBLE MOMENT
27. HAD A FOOD FIGHT
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. HAD A SNOWBALL FIGHT
31. SCREAMED AS LOUDLY AS I POSSIBLY CAN
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. RIDDEN A ROLLER COASTER
35. Hit a home run
36. DANCED LIKE A FOOL AND NOT CARED WHO WAS LOOKING
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. ACTUALLY FELT HAPPY ABOUT MY LIFE, EVEN FOR JUST A MOMENT
39. HAD TWO HARD DRIVES FOR MY COMPUTER
40. Visited all 50 states
41. TAKEN CARE OF SOMEONE WHO WAS SH*T-FACED
42. HAD AMAZING FRIENDS (AND STILL DO)
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. WATCHED WILD WHALES
45. STOLEN A SIGN
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. TAKEN A ROAD-TRIP
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than I was actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. ALPHABETIZED MY CD'S
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. SUNG KARAOKE
59. LOUNGED AROUND IN BED ALL DAY
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. KISSED IN THE RAIN
63. PLAYED IN THE MUD
64. PLAYED IN THE RAIN
65. GONE TO A DRIVE-IN THEATER
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. TOURED ANCIENT SITES
70. TAKEN A MARTIAL ARTS CLASS
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. MADE COOKIES FROM SCRATCH
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. PERFORMED ON STAGE
85. BEEN TO LAS VEGAS
86. RECORDED MUSIC
87. EATEN SHARK
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand
90. BOUGHT A HOUSE
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. BEEN ON A CRUISE SHIP
94. SPOKEN MORE THAN ONE LANGUAGE FLUENTLY
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. SANG LOUDLY IN THE CAR, AND DIDN'T STOP WHEN I KNEW SOMEONE WAS LOOKING
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Written articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. BROKEN SOMEONE'S HEART
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. HAD MAJOR SURGERY (WHAT IS "MAJOR"?)
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. EATEN SUSHI
128. HAD MY PICTURE IN THE NEWSPAPER
129. Changed someone's mind about something I care deeply about
130. GONE BACK TO SCHOOL
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. READ "THE ILIAD" AND "THE ODYSSEY"
135. SELECTED ONE IMPORTANT AUTHOR I MISSED IN SCHOOL, AND READ HIM/HER
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. SKIPPED ALL MY SCHOOL REUNIONS
138. COMMUNICATED WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT SHARING A COMMON SPOKEN LANGUAGE
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written my own computer language
141. Thought to myself that I'm living my dream
142. Had to put someone I love into hospice care
143. Built my own PC from parts
144. Sold my own artwork to someone who didn't know me
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed my hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved my head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

What have you done?

NO MAN IS AN ISLAND . . .

Cliche, but true.

Driving up to Ithaca late on Friday night in the Bullet, we took a pit-stop at some totally dark, remote, podunk exit about two-and-a-half hours north of Poughkeepsie. I don't even remember the town's name ... if it even was a legitimately sized town. There were no lights on the highway on the stretch of Route 17 on which we had just been, and there were barely any lights illuminating the streets of the town in which we found ourselves. It was remote, deserted almost. (I still can't figure out why, though, there was a small group of young English/Scottish men sitting around a table in the McDonald's we stopped in, for coffee and bathroom breaks. How they and their charming accents found their way to this exit is still beyond me.)

As we left McDonald's and tried to navigate our way back onto Route 17, we paused the Bullet by a messy and seemingly deserted construction site so that Mabel could make some car adjustments. I freaked out. On both sides of the road, there was complete darkness; vague and ominous shapes loomed; no other cars or people were to be seen at that hour of the night. Endless shades of grey and black stretched out around and through the structures of the construction site. Even with the three of us safely ensconced in the Bullet, I was terrified.

In the moment, I chalked it up to too much television; "CSI" was to blame, Mabel said. But I think there's more to it. I am terrified of being alone. Even when I'm not alone, I'm terrified of being alone. Even when I'm in a group of three, the fact that we three are together alone in the wilderness of upstate New York somewhere terrifies me.

We people like to be independent. We like to be self-sufficient. We like to do things ourselves, ALONE. But the bottom line, I have concluded, is this: we are terrified of being alone, and being alone just is not good for us. Vast darkness, with no one by our side, with no potential human interaction, warmth, safety, protection, companionship, rescue on the horizon, is terrifing. We are not made to be alone; we are not made to be separated from people or from God. All of our enjoyment of independence and alone-ness and self-assurance flies out the window when we stand in a dark place with no voices to be heard and no lights to be seen. We are not made to be alone, and to think we can do anything on our own is a total lie.

THINGS I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT . . .

Okay, so you know how when some women give birth vaginally (how dumb am I that typing the word "vaginally" and knowing that who-knows-how-many-people are going to read it makes me blush and giggle?!), they tear in their perineum area? (And if you don't know what the perineum is ... well, you're just going to have to look it up for yourself because I'm sort of at the limit of my blushing here.) When I first learned of this phenomenon, I thought several things: "That sucks." "Ooh, that's gotta smart." "I hope that doesn't happen to me." "I bet that will happen to me." "The possibility of lifelong incontinence? The horror!" "Sucks to be the person having to sew THAT up."

But just now -- thank you EVER so much, Mabel -- I learned that women can also tear THE OTHER WAY.

Yes, I said THE OTHER WAY.

As in, NOT towards the back. As in, towards the front. Or more accurately, towards the TOP.

THAT REALLY REALLY REALLY SUCKS AND MUST SMART AN AWFUL LOT.

And of course, now I can't stop thinking about it, and how awful that must be, and the lifelong repercussions of such a tear, etc. etc. etc. It's only a matter of time before I go to Google ...

LOOP . . .

Portions of songs I have running through my head ... that I need to have running through my head ...

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord;
we will wait upon the Lord,
we will wait upon the Lord.

***

So call upon His name,
He is mighty to save,
This is our God.

MY TOWN . . .

I love being a tourist in my own town, and with a cousin here from the Motherland, I had the best excuse to whip out my camera and shoot away. From our one evening at the Empire State Building and Times Square ...

BLING . . .

I'm not a fan of the diamond engagement ring. I think I can appreciate the beauty (and even size? Although I think there is a point at which a really large diamond is just ... shiny) of my friends' engagement rings, but when I think about if and when I become engaged to be married, I just think don't a diamond would suit me. I'm just not a shiny kind of girl.

But this tromp l'oeil ring, by Edouard Larmaraud, does catch my eye, with its simplicity, and clean modern lines. What a hoot -- to enlarge a teeny diamond with a big hunk of glass! I just love how it slaps you right in the face with what is a reality for so many women -- the deep, bizarre desire to wear a huge diamond ring. "There!", this says, "here's your big fat diamond! (You just have to look at it through the glass first. Hee.)"